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The Time Diary Draft 8

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 28 March 2013
Word Count: 3670
Summary: Big changes in this latest rewrite of the comic perils of time travel
Related Works: The Time Diary • The Time Diary Draft 4 • 

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


EXT: A view of swirling galaxies


VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
Once upon a time, in a parallel universe much like our own, it quite
suddenly ceased to exist at precisely 9.10pm England time, the Earth, in the
Milky Way.


THE UNIVERSE DISAPPEARS WITH A POP


VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
This is what happened 20 minutes before the big pop


CUT TO:


INT: DAVIDíS LIVING ROOM Ė NIGHT


DAVID, early 30s and dressed smartly in a shirt and wearing glasses, sits
on the end of a sofa writing in his diary. HANK,a similar age to DAVID but
much scruffier looking leaps onto the sofa, beer in one hand and switches on
the television with a remote. Music begins to blare out.


DAVID
Do you mind!


Hank observes DAVID writing in his diary with contempt


HANK
Not again, what are you doing now


DAVID
You know perfectly well what I am doing Hank


HANK AND DAVID SAY TOGETHER
Your making a time machine


DAVID
Yes, that is correct, so please do not interrupt me with your silly little
games


HANK
That is not a time machine! That is a time wasting machine. Why don't you
actually try living life instead of writing about your crappy life
(Hank mockingly mimics David writing)
"Today I got punched in the face by a 12 year old pupil at school. He made
me cry, so I told his mother. I'm a big stupid loser"


DAVID
I will have you know Hank that I lead quite the important life. I am a
revered educator and responsible for leading the next generation into
greatness. My life
matters, much unlike the waste that is yours and so mine should be
documented for myself and then others in the
future to relive through my written words.


HANK
Your life is shite mate! Your a LAB ASSISTANT in a comp school where the
kids hate
you and lets not forget all the other people who hate you, such as your ex
wife, your kids,
and most of all me, I fucking hate you. So, why would you want to relive
that? Youíre a
nobody who does nothing.


DAVID tries to answer back but finds himself lost for words as the truth is
so brutally given to him.


DAVID and Hank stop talking. Hank turns turns the music back up and DAVID
takes a deep breath and soldiers on with his writing.


(Time passes)


HANK
You know what you wanna do?


DAVID
(Groans)
What Hank?


HANK
Make a real time machine


DAVID gives Hank a contemptuous look, rolls his eyes and then continues with
his writing


HANK
No, look, Im serious.


DAVID firmly puts down his pen in annoyance and looks up from his writing
and turns to Hank


DAVID
Really? Well enlighten me then Einstein?


HANK
Well, you need to stop writing about getting beaten up by 12 year olds


DAVID
That only happened once!


HANK
Instead, write in your diary now, in big feck off letters.
(Hank emphasizes)
HOW TO INVENT TIME TRAVEL. IF TIME TRAVEL EXISTS
IN THE FUTURE, IT IS BECAUSE I
(Hank points to DAVID)
DAVID CARTER, INVENTED TIME TRAVEL!
You will then put your diary in the post and address it to the head
of the time travel department 100 years from today.


DAVID
Excuse me? What are you talking about?


HANK
Listen, if someone in the future can time travel, he can travel back to
tonight and show you how to make a real bloody time machine!


DAVID
And why would he do that?


HANK
Its dead simple. In 2013 time travel is invented by you, Mr Carter because
a time traveller travels back and gives you the instructions for a working
time machine.
(Maybe insert a cartoon animation of Hanks explanation)
In the future the time department receives your diary explaining how you
invented time travel, and they travel back in time to do as you instruct.
They give you the instructions, and you invent time travel. Its a paradox,
its an infinite loop with no start or end! Its Star Trek 4 rules!


DAVID
Star Trek 4?


HANK
Yeah, when Bones and Scotty gives a bloke in the 1980ís the details on how
to make an engine part, or something like that. Point is, he got the
information from the future, and they had that information in the future
because the man in the 1980ís invented it when he got given the details by
them


DAVID
Have you on the wacky pills again?


HANK
Just write it in your diary, trust me.


DAVID
(Guffaws) NO!


HANK
Write it in your god damn diary David!


DAVID
No Hank, its ridiculous. You're trying to make me look like an idiot!

HANK
Write it or Im gonna come and punch you in the balls when you're asleep!


DAVID
(scoffs)
Pardon!

HANK
(Mimics David but in a homosexual mannerism)
Pardooon!
(Hank carefully explains)
If you don't write that in your diary now, I'm gonna come in your room in
the
middle of the night, pull down your pants and punch you square in the love
spuds!


DAVID
Your actually insane! Have you moved onto crack now?


HANK
Insane am I!

Hank lurches/ pouches at DAVID in a ridiculous manner, trying to grab the
diary, however David refuses to let go. Soon Hank is attacking David in a
rather silly manner (think Step Brothers)

[Scene Fades out]

[Scene Fades in]


Hank is stood holding a hammer to a chinchillas head, whilst DAVID is
anxiously standing nearby


DAVID
Just put down Mr Wibbles, Hank


HANK
(Breathless)
Write it!


DAVID
Okay, okay. Iím doing it..


(Hank waves the hammer over Mr Wibbles head menacingly)


HANK
What are you writing, show me!


DAVID
Okay! Iím writing ďI, DAVID Carter, the inventor of Time Travel, bestow
this secret to you. I invented time travel because on Wednesday 13th March,
2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, here in writing, will come
to me on this date and at


HANK
Say 9pm,
(can see the time on digital clock 8:58)


DAVID
at precisely 9pm and tell me how to invent a working time machine. With
these instructions, I, DAVID Carter, will become the inventor of time
travel. Okay, are you happy now you utter mad man, now give me (a slight
cry) Mr Weebles


HANK
Do you swear to never destroy that page?


DAVID
Yes I swear


HANK
Swear it, or help me God I will wear Weeblyís ass as a slipper


DAVID
I swear it! I'll leave it in, if only to record what a complete nutter I was
forced to live with!


HANK
Okay, glad you've seen sense finally.


Hank tosses Mr Weeble to DAVID and watches the clock


The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm


Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time


9pm strikes and....nothing


DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.


HANK
No! You must tear out the pages!


HANK
give me Mr Weebles back!


David screams in a girly manner as Hank steps forward to grab Mr Weebles but
suddenly a flash of light knocks
Hank and DAVID across the room onto the floor As the pair look up, they see
a wormhole, a tear in space and time, open up right in front of them


(Production note: when filming, use a hair dryer to create a wind effect on
two leads)


DAVID and Hank are dumbfounded


A man (PHILIP) steps through the vortex into the living room. He looks like
a smarmy council worker from the 70's. Moustache and sideburns. He is
quickly
followed by another man with a notebook, his assistant


Philip looks bursting with pride as he approaches David and helps him
up off of the floor. Hank put his hand out for a help up but Philips happy
demeanour is replaces with a cold hard glare as he looks down his nose at
Hank (unnoticed by David), refusing
to offer a hand. Philip turns back to Dave, once again overly happy and
theatrically bows to him.
Philip also grabs his assistant Tony and forcibly makes him to bow too.


PHILIP
Lord DAVID Carter. What a marvellous pleasure, such an honour m'lord
My name is Philip Lawlor and I am from the department of Time Travel in the
year 2113.


HANK
Youíre fr....fr...


Philip once again fires a evil stare at Hank. Philip turns his back on Hank
and puts an arm around David


PHILIP
I am here at your request, as per the diary we received from you this
morning.


HANK (Butts in between Philip and David)
Ha! Ha ha! I told you DAVE! Ha ha, oh my God, Iíve invented time travel!
Who's a lunatic now? Wha ha ha ha


DAVID
Blimey. So, er...so you got the diary that I put in the post then Philip?


PHILIP
Quite and I am here, as you instructed my lord.

DAVID
So it really did work then? What I wrote in the diary.


PHILIP
Oh yes my Lord, it worked and it has changed everything. Mankind owes your
brilliance a debt that can never be repaid. Weíve gone all over time,
and space too and weíve discovered everything! For example, the big bang was
started by a Wolverhampton based gentleman called Trevor.


Cut to:


A white screen. Suddenly a time portal opens and we see Trevor walking out
into white space. He looks about smoking a cigarette with one hand and
eating a hamburger with the other. Maybe he has a force field helmet on?


TREVOR
Not much going on here
(Trevor shouts back into the portal)


Womans voice from inside the portal
Trevor, stop mucking about with the time machine and clean the dog shit off
the carpet


TREVOR
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming
(Mutters)
Miserable ol'cow
(Burps)

Trevor floats back into the time portal and the camera zooms in on the burp,
showing the chemicals now floating in the void


Cut back:


[Text: 13.82 billion years later]


Hank
Thats how we all got made?


Philip grits his teeth at Hank. Philip has a word in Tony's ear and his
assistant begins to usher Hank away from Philip and David


PHILIP
You're responsible for everything, you are the reason we are all here. In
the future you are revered as a God!


DAVID
A God!


PHILIP
THE God!


Hank pushes past Tony the assistant and rushes up to David and a disgusted
looking Philip


HANK
Hey! Hang on a minute. Him? A GOD!?


PHILIP
YES! it was his amazing insight that created us, he...


HANK
Bullshit!!!!


Philip wipes spit from his eye


PHILIP
Excuse me?


HANK
It was my idea, it was all my idea!


PHILIP
Your idea?


HANK
Yes, my idea, all of this is down to me. Not this loser here!


PHILIP
Is this true Lord Carter?


Hank
Stop calling him lord!


PHILIP
Are his claims true m'lord?


DAVID
Err, no. No!


[DAVID has a flashback to what Hank said earlier V.O Hank: Youíre a nobody
Youíre a nobody Youíre a nobody]


DAVID
Does he look like someone who could have create the universe? Look at him!


HANK
What! Donít you fucking dare, Iíll....


Hank picks up the hammer and steps towards Antony when another light erupts
in the room, once again knocking everyone in the room to the ground. A
second vortex opens


A small woman (MARIA SHORT) steps through the second vortex into the living
room. She is dressed in a suit also and is carrying a clipboard.
On her suit is a name tag which says:
a name tag that says TIME DEPARTMENT: Maria Daints


Philip quickly pops up, dusts himself off and steps forward towards Maria
with fury.


PHILIP
What on Earth are you doing here you foolish little girl? This is a
forbidden time zone!
I'll have you back out in the cold with all of the other disgusting plebs
for this embarrassment!


Maria drops her clip board and holds out a small white cube


TONY
She's a rebel sir!!!!!


The white box being held by Maria begins to glow and just before it fires an
almighty white light beam, Philip drops to the ground. The gun shot shoots
over his head and hits Tony,
disintegrating him instantly Maria then takes aim at a very scared looking
David
(Hank uses David as a shield)

The white box begins to flare up and she fires a white beam at David,
however Philip jumps forward to save David, blocking the beam with his arm,
which is blown away.

Philip lands on the floor and looks up at Maria with an animal like snarl


PHILIP
Rebel SCUM!


Philips eyes and mouth begin to glow a yellow/white and suddenly he shoots a
beam back at Maria


(the purpose of which is to hint that the time agency are more than mere
time
travels and posses advanced weaponry that a mere white collar worker should
have)


Maria jumps out of the way of this shot and retaliates with a successful
returning shot, disintegrating a howling Philip


Maria charges at David and holds the white cube in front of his face


MARIA
This is for humanity!


Maria goes to shoot but is blasted away by a red lazer beam that
comes from the darkened kitchen.


DAVID and Hank get up, bewildered by these events


The shadow man emerges from the darkened room


DAVID
Geezus. You're me!


FUTURE DAVID
How observant I was
(Says David with a wry smile, or insert a good wise crack)


Future David is slightly older looking, but more noticeable is that he is
brimming with cocksure confidence. If the young David has the bravery of
3CPO, older David
has the swagger of Han Solo as he approaches his younger self with a gun
resting on his shoulder



HANK (dusts ash off of himself)
Hey sadsack! Are you really a King you big dildo?


FUTURE DAVID
King of the World Hank!

(Future David holds up his gun and kisses it to emphasise how perhaps he got
that power)


HANK
Wellllllllll, good for you.........dick
(sarcasm)
So where the hell am I in all this?


FUTURE DAVID (Much more confident and arrogant)
I donít know, I left you in this shit hole to be rich, famous, and ruler of
all the fucking universe!


HANK
What! That should all be mine. This was all my idea!


FUTURE DAVID
Well its all in my diary Hank!
(Sniggers)
(F.David gets up close to Hank and whispers)
Whose the nobody now, aye?
(And punches him in the love spuds)


Hank looks on in shock and anger, lost for words.


DAVID
Why was she trying to kill me?


FUTURE DAVID
Because of what you become


DAVID
Which is what?



FUTURE DAVID
A God!


DAVID
Oh my God! How


F. DAVID
Time travel perks and a bit of charm
(David kisses his futurist gun as a hint)


HANK
You bastard, you total bastard! It was my idea! I should be the king of the
fucking world


Hank goes to strike Future DAVID with the hammer but Future DAVID puts a
force field around him and present day DAVID. Hank bashes at the force
field whilst Future David laughs at him


Hank screams momentarily until something dawns on him and he rushes over
grabs the diary


HANK
Whose laughing now you big ass dildo!


Future David stops laughing


SHOT of Hank rubbing out Davids name in the diary and writing in HANK
LAWLOR!


FUTURE DAVID
NOOOOOOOO


Suddenly Future David disappears and is replaced with an older version of
Hank, who is white haired and bearded and is wearing a robe and crown.


DAVID
How can time be changed like that?


Future Hank punches David in the balls and gives his younger self a big
thumbs up.


FUTURE HANK
How the fuck should I know, I'm just king of the mother fucking world
sucker. HA HA HA


F.Hank gives Hank a big double thumbs up and a huge cheesy grin, but a
second later his face quickly turns to surprise just before he disappears in
a
puff of smoke


Standing next to Marias time portal is a tramp looking F.David who is
holding
a white cube (like Maria had)


F. DAVID looks at F.HANKS ashes with delight, whilst Hank looks at them with
despair, then they look at each other.


Hank goes to run but F.David is too fast and quickly has him in a headlock
with
the weapon cube to his temple.


With glee, F.Dave is about to kill Hank when...


DAVID
STOP!


F.DAVID and HANK look up to see David holding the diary aloft with a lit
lighter
beneath it.


DAVID
Let him go 'me'.


F.DAVID
What are you doing your fucking moron!


DAVID
Let him go, you are not going to kill him


F.DAVID
I have to, he's fucked up all the forward projecting time lines.

DAVID
I don't care


HANK struggles but F.DAVID restrains him


F.DAVID
Really? Are you sure? Either you let me do this and then you become the most
powerful human in history, or he does!


DAVID
How about none of us do?


HANK
It must happen, you don't understand!!! YOUR CHOICE. US OR HIM


Here we see David struggling to decide what best to do, with the flames
fanning closer, then away, from the pages.
Hank uses this moment to kick F. David in the balls and breaks free. He
tries to get the cube out of his hand, but instead
just makes F.David drop it. Hank runs for it, but to get out of the house he
has to get past David (present)

F.David lurches for his weapon and fires at Hank, but Hank dives and he
misses, the shot however almost hits David. The shock of which causes
David to drop the diary on the floor.


As Hank is lying on the ground he see the weapon Maria used earlier. He
picks it up and see's a button on the side. He turns around and see's
F.David
stood over him with a manic look upon his face. F.David is about to finish
Hank off when Hank presses the button on the cube in his palm and it lets
off a white flared shot right up F.Davids ass, disintergrating him.


Present day Hank and David stand up next to his other and just stand for a
moment taking in all what has happened.


David
Hank


HANK
What


DAVID
You've just killed me


HANK
Well you killed me first!


DAVID
Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!


HANK
Because you are an asshole!


They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama


HANK
What you gonna do with the diary?


DAVID
I dunno.


HANK
Future dick said one of us had to be ruler


They both look at each calmly and then scramble, frantically looking for the
diary


They are both on there hands and knees when they bump into each other. Hank
pulls out
his cube weapon and points it at David


HANK
Where is it! Its mine, MINE! Give it to me or.............


David pulls out a cube, which belonged to Future David (which he picked up
when looking for diary)


They are both pointing the weapons at each other when they hear a crunching
nose. They stop and look
towards the table. The camera slowly pans into the darkness beneath the
table


The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and
David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing


DAVID and HANK
Mr Wibbles! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


THE CLOCK STRIKES 9.10PM

Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps


Hard cut to black


THE END


AFTER CREDITS FINISH


Meanwhile in another parallel universe:

8:59PM

The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm


Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time


9pm strikes and....nothing


DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.


HANK
No! You must tear out the pages!


DAVID
Goodnight Hank


FACE OUT


CUT TO:


The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank
punching him in the lovespuds as he laughs manically


THE END



A slightly different ending could be, this:

David
Hank

HANK
What

DAVID
You've just killed me

HANK
Well you killed me first!

DAVID
Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!

HANK
Because you are an asshole!

They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama

HANK
What you gonna do with the diary?

DAVID
I dunno.

HANK
Future dick said one of us had to be ruler

They both stand quiet again as their glaze fixes upon the diary on the floor in front of them.

They both make a jump for it and begin wrestling on the floor again (like at the start of the film)

Whilst they are fighting we see the diary getting pulled under the table.

The par seem to be stuck in a wrestling lock

SOME TIME LATER

Hank and David can hear a crunching sound

They both turn to look at the table, from where the noise is coming

The camera pans in to the dark space

The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing

DAVID and HANK
Mr Wibbles! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THE CLOCK STRIKES 9.10PM

Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps

Hard cut to black

THE END

AFTER CREDITS FINISH

Meanwhile in another parallel universe:
8:59PM
The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm
Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time
9pm strikes and....nothing
DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.
HANK
No! You must tear out the pages!
DAVID
Goodnight Hank
FACE OUT
CUT TO:
The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank
punching him in the lovespuds as he laughs manically
THE END






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Comments by other Members



The Bar Stward at 21:01 on 29 March 2013  Report this post
Any feedback would be appreciated, as we are hoping to shoot by the end of the month, and the script is still be chopped and changed quite a bit at the moemnt

GaiusCoffey at 14:13 on 04 April 2013  Report this post
Hi,
Not sure I've got time to read the whole thing yet - I will try to get to it later, but I have a lot on.

Just noticed this though on the opening:
Once upon a time, in a parallel universe much like our own, it quite
suddenly ceased to exist at precisely 9.10pm England time, the Earth, in the
Milky Way.

Are you missing a word somewhere? Doesn't quite make sense to me as written.
G

The Bar Stward at 14:23 on 04 April 2013  Report this post
Thanks, I hope you do get to read it later, I will very much value your opinion

In regards to the opening scene, I think you are referring to this:

England time, the Earth, in the Milky Way.


I agree, but I'm kinda stuck how to better word it. However, using fiverr, I paid a voice over person to record it (£3, unbelievable what you can get online) and it sounded fine, because of the way he used pauses and expression.

billy p at 22:50 on 04 April 2013  Report this post
Hello Scott,

Just a thought, but that opening might read better if you dropped the first 'in' and the first 'it'. Like this;

"Once upon a time, a parallel universe much like our own, quite
suddenly ceased to exist at precisely 9.10pm England time, the Earth, in the
Milky Way."

You could have added GMT instead of England time, and maybe even The Solar System in a Galaxy known as The Milky Way!

I've read it through once, and what I immediately noticed was the lack of contractions in the speech. For example:


HANK
Not again, what are you doing now


DAVID
You know perfectly well what I am doing Hank

should read: 'I'm doing'.


HANK AND DAVID SAY TOGETHER
your making a time machine

Should read: 'you're making'

DAVID
Yes, that is correct, so please do not interrupt me with your silly little
games

Should read: 'that's correct' etc.

I thought, at first, it was just the way the character spoke, but I think it goes throughout the dialogue. It's probably not important as you are writing the script for your own use. But it's just an observation.
I'd like to read it again and comment some more if you'd like, I will say, it reminded me of a cross between Peepshow and Bottom, -no bad thing!

BTW -they could be brothers, a quick remark about 'mum' would give them a reason to be living together.



The Bar Stward at 23:04 on 04 April 2013  Report this post
Hello Billy

Please feel free to make as many comments as possible, good and bad, they are all very helpful.

The dialogue is going to be addressed at the next table read. Out of the group of us, I'm best at putting together stories, but there is another one who is far better at wittier, funnier lines, so I'm hoping that he'll make some good suggestions for the characters speeches.

For the next draft, I am also thinking of making some changes to the beginning to help pick up the pace. Maybe the script needs to dive into the action even quicker, and then use a flash back to fill in the blanks. It could start with the voice over (good suggestions by the way, I think I will use those in the update) and when it says 20 mins earlier, it cuts straight to Hank holding the Chinchilla hostage and shouting at David to write in the diary. Hank mutters that its a stupid idea that isn't gonna work. So we cut out the beginning, but later when David says to Maria that it was all Hanks idea, Hank says, 'How was it?' (or something to that effect) and it flashes back to Hank briefly explaining his idea on how to invent time travek using the Star Trek parodox. So I wouldn't be cutting out the start, just jumbling it up a little so that there's not a long talky part at the beginning

The Bar Stward at 23:51 on 04 April 2013  Report this post
Maybe the voice over says

"20 minutes earlier"

And we see Hank sitting down on the chair and staring at David writing in the diary. And its quite boring as we just see David writing

(Voice over)
"Actually lets skip this bit and try 15 minutes earlier"

Hank and David are fighting for the diary

'Give it to me!'

No!

stop writing about your boring life and write what I told you to!!!

No!


(Voice over)
"Okay, lets try 10 minutes earlier, as that goes on for quite a bit" (Hank and David stuck in a wrestling grapple)


And it cuts to Hank holding the chinchilla, making David write, what he writes, which explains the idea without Hank having to explain it all in detail. So it cuts out the waffle, and its quite funny, and fast paced from the start

billy p at 09:33 on 05 April 2013  Report this post
This sounds much better. Pacier and funnier.

Just an idea -After the end credits, instead of the punch in the lovespuds, the voice-over returns saying something like;

"On reflection, I decided humanity wasn't ready for time travel just yet..."

CUT TO MR WIBBLES (The Voice)

"Goodbye"



The Bar Stward at 11:06 on 05 April 2013  Report this post
Ha, thats good. I'll run it by the group


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