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The Time Diary Final Draft

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 07 April 2013
Word Count: 3041
Summary: This is a new edit, to help pick up the pace by rearranging the events
Related Works: The Time Diary Draft 8 • 

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

EXT: A view of swirling galaxies

Once upon a time, a parallel universe much like our own, quite suddenly ceased to exist. When this happened it was precisely ten past night at night, in England, on the planet Earth, which was in the Milky Way.


This is what happened 20 minutes before the big POP



DAVID, early 30s and dressed smartly in a shirt and wearing glasses, sits
on the end of a sofa writing in his diary. HANK,a similar age to DAVID but
much scruffier looking leaps onto the sofa, beer in one hand and switches on
the television with a remote. Music begins to blare out.

Iím trying to write in my diary!

Hank observes DAVID writing in his diary with contempt (Close up, followed by a master shot)

Actually, lets skip forward five minutes


Hank and David are fighting in the poor pathetic way two middle class men might fight in a wrestling manner. David seems to be hugging his diary as Hank tries his best to steal it from him. Hank gets David in a headlock

Give me the diary!!


Stop writing about your pathetic boring life. Youíre a nobody! Write what I told you to!

I wonít!

Write it or Im gonna come and punch you in the balls when you're asleep!

Your a loon!!!!

[Hank tightens his grip on David's neck]

(Voice over)
Okay, lets skip forward another five minutes, as that goes on for quite a bit


Hank is stood holding a hammer to a chinchillas head, whilst DAVID is
anxiously standing nearby

Voice Over
Ah, this is what I was looking for. So here is what happened 10 minutes before the big Pop, on the Planet Earth, in England.

Just put down Mr Wibbles, Hank

Write it!

Okay, okay. Iím doing it..

(Hank waves the hammer over Mr Wibbles head menacingly)

What are you writing, show me!

Okay! Iím writing ďI, DAVID Carter, the inventor of Time Travel, bestow this secret to you. I invented time travel because on Thursday 26th September, 2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, in my notes for future generations, will come to me on this date and at

Say 9pm,
(can see the time on digital clock 8:58)

at precisely 9pm and tell me how to invent a working time machine. With these instructions, I, DAVID Carter, will become the inventor of time travel. Okay, are you happy now you utter mad man, now give me
(a slight cry in his voice)
Mr Weebles!!!

Do you swear to never destroy that page?

Yes I swear

Swear it, or help me God I will wear Weeblyís ass as a slipper (Alternatively, as Antony wishes to say) Swear it or I'll smash in his teeny little face!

I swear it! I'll leave it in, if only to record what a complete nutter I was forced to live with!

Okay, glad you've seen sense finally.

Hank tosses Mr Weeble to DAVID and watches the clock (no chinchilla shall be harmed in the filming of this production!)

The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm

Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time

9pm strikes and....nothing

See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.

No! You probably rip the page out in a minute! That's why it didn't work!

Hank picks up the hammer

give me Mr Weebles back!

David screams in a girly manner as Hank steps forward. Hank goes to hit Mr Weebles on the head, but as the hammer is just an inch from the chinchillas head (filmed in reverse and sped up, no harm to actual chinchilla) suddenly a flash of light knocks Hank and DAVID across the room onto the floor As the pair look up, they see a wormhole, a tear in space and time, open up right in front of them

(Production note: when filming, use a hair dryer to create a wind effect on two leads)

DAVID and Hank are dumbfounded

A man (PHILIP) steps through the vortex into the living room. He looks like a smarmy council worker from the 70's. Moustache and sideburns. He is quickly followed by another man with a notebook, his assistant

Philip looks bursting with pride as he approaches David and helps him up off of the floor. Hank put his hand out for a help up but Philips happy demeanour is replaces with a cold hard glare as he looks down his nose at Hank (unnoticed by David), refusing to offer a hand. Philip turns back to Dave, once again overly happy and theatrically bows to him. Philip also grabs his assistant Tony and forcibly makes him to bow too.

Lord DAVID Carter. What a marvellous pleasure, such an honour m'lord. My name is Philip Lawlor and I am from the department of Time Travel in the year 2113.

Youíre fr....fr...

Philip once again fires a evil stare at Hank. Philip turns his back on Hank and puts an arm around David

I am here at your request, as per the instructions in the diary we received from you this morning, and here are those instructions for time travel.

Philip hands David a scroll, which David places in the diary and puts on a coffee table besides him

(Butts in between Philip and David)
Ha! Ha ha! I told you DAVE! Ha ha, oh my God, Iíve invented time travel! Who's a lunatic now? Wha ha ha ha

Blimey. So, er...so in the future you get my diary then Philip?

Quite, tomorrow you will put it in the post with the instructions that it will be delivered to my departments at 9am, September 26th 2113 and so I am here my lord.

Wow, so the idea works then?

Oh yes my Lord, it worked and it has changed everything. Mankind owes your brilliance a debt that can never be repaid. Weíve gone all over time, and space too and weíve discovered everything!

[Frame freezes]

Voice over
Philip is quite right. For example, you may be interested to know that the big bang was started by a gentleman from Wolverhampton, England, called Trevor.

Cut to cartoon animation:

A white screen. Suddenly a time portal opens and we see Trevor pocking his head out. He looks about smoking a cigarette with one hand and eating a hamburger with the other.

Voice over
During his lunch break one day, Trevor decided to have a look at what was around before the big bang, which you can see, was not a lot

Not much going on here
(Trevor shouts back into the portal)

Womans voice from inside the portal
Trevor, stop mucking about with the time machine and clean the dog shit off the carpet

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming
Miserable ol'cow

Trevor floats back into the time portal and the camera zooms in on the burp, showing the chemicals now floating in the void, that multiple as the time on a clock rapidly grow, and the cartoon ends with a big bang

Cut back:

[Text: 13.82 billion years later]

You're responsible for everything, you are the reason we are all here. In the future you are revered as a God!

A God!

THE God!

Hank pushes past Tony the assistant and rushes up to David and a disgusted looking Philip

Hey! Hang on a minute. Him? A GOD!?

YES! it was his amazing insight that created us, he...


Philip wipes spit from his eye

Excuse me?

It was my idea, it was all my idea!

Your idea?

Yes, my idea, all of this is down to me. Not this loser here! He's stolen it all from me! You bastard David

Is this true Lord Carter?

Stop calling him lord!

Are his claims true m'lord?


[DAVID has a flashback to what Hank said earlier V.O Hank: Youíre a nobody, Youíre a nobody, Youíre a nobody]

....No, NO! Does he look like someone who could have create the universe? Look at him!

What! Donít you fucking dare, Iíll....

Hank picks up the hammer and steps towards David. The same as with the chinchilla, Hank goes to hit David on the head with the hammer but as the hammer is an inch from Davids head, another light erupts in the room, once again knocking everyone in the room to the ground.

A second vortex opens

A small woman steps through the second vortex into the living room. She is dressed in a suit and is carrying a clipboard. On her suit is a name tag which says: TIME DEPARTMENT: Maria Daints

Philip quickly pops up, dusts himself off and steps forward towards Maria with fury.

What on Earth are you doing here you foolish little girl? This is a forbidden time zone! I'll have you back out in the cold with all of the other disgusting proles for this embarrassment!

Maria drops her clip board and holds out a small white cube

She's a rebel sir!!!!!

The white box being held by Maria begins to glow and just before it fires an almighty white light beam, Philip drops to the ground. The gun shot shoots over his head and hits a shocked Tony, disintegrating him instantly. Maria then takes aim at a very scared looking David
(Hank uses David as a shield)

The white box begins to flare up and she fires a white beam at David, however Philip jumps forward to save David, blocking the beam with his arm, which is blown away.

Philip lands on the floor and looks up at Maria with an animal like snarl

Rebel SCUM!

Philips eyes and mouth begin to glow a yellow/white and suddenly he shoots a beam back at Maria

(the purpose of which is to hint that the time agency are more than mere time travels and posses advanced weaponry that a mere white collar worker should have)

Maria jumps out of the way of this shot and retaliates with a successful returning shot, disintegrating a howling Philip

Maria charges at David and holds the white cube in front of his face

This is for humanity!

Maria goes to shoot but is blasted away by a red lazer beam that comes from the darkened kitchen.

DAVID and Hank get up, bewildered by these events

The shadow man emerges from the darkened room

Geezus. You're me!

How observant I was
(Says David with a wry smile)

Future David is slightly older looking, but more noticeable is that he is brimming with cocksure confidence. If the young David has the lack of bravery of 3CPO, older David has the swagger of Han Solo as he approaches his younger self with a gun resting on his shoulder

Hank, feels immense anger at Future David, as that is the man who he feels has stolen what should be his.

Your a GOD! I should be a God, not you, it was all my idea!

Hank tries to punch F.David but his punch is easily deflected and Hank crashes to the ground

(looking up at F.David)
Oh, I see you've done very well for yourself, haven't you! You big king dildo?

Oh I'm a king alright
I'm King of the World Hank!

Wellllllllll, good for you.........dick
So where the hell am I in all this?

(Much more confident and arrogant)
How should I know? I left you in this shit hole to be rich, famous, and ruler of all the fucking universe!

That should all be mine.

Well it was all in my diary Hank!
(F.David sniggers and gets up close to Hank and whispers)
So whose the nobody now, aye?
(And punches him in the balls)

Hank looks on in shock and anger, lost for words.

What are you doing here

To stop her from killing you, me

But why was that woman trying to kill me?

Because of what you become

Which is what?

A God!

Oh my God! How

Time travel perks and a bit of charm
(David kisses his futurist gun as a hint)

You bastard, you total bastard! It was my idea! I should be the king of the fucking world

Hank goes to strike Future DAVID with the hammer but Future DAVID puts a force field around him and present day DAVID. Hank bashes at the force field whilst Future David laughs at him

Hank screams momentarily until something dawns on him and he rushes over grabs the diary

Whose laughing now you big ass dildo!

Future David stops laughing

SHOT of Hank rubbing out Davids name in the diary and writing in HANK LAWLOR!


Suddenly Future David disappears and is replaced with an older version of Hank, who is white haired and bearded and is wearing a robe and crown.

How can time be changed like that?

Future Hank punches David in the balls and gives his younger self a big thumbs up.

How the fuck should I know, I'm just king of the mother fucking world sucker. HA HA HA

F.Hank gives Hank a big double thumbs up and a huge cheesy grin, but a second later his face quickly turns to surprise just before he disappears in a puff of smoke

Standing next to Marias time portal is a tramp looking REBEL DAVID who is holding a white cube (like Maria had)

REBEL DAVID looks at F.HANKS ashes with delight, whilst Hank looks at them with despair, then they look at each other.

Hank goes to run but REBEL DAVID is too fast and quickly has him in a headlock with the weapon cube to his temple.

With glee, REBEL DAVID is about to kill Hank when...


REBEL DAVID and HANK look up to see David holding the diary aloft with a lit lighter beneath it.

Let Hank go.

What are you doing your fucking moron!

Let him go, you are not going to kill him

I have to, he's fucked up all the forward projecting time lines.

I don't care

HANK struggles but REBEL DAVID restrains him

Really? Are you sure? Either you let me do this and then you become the most powerful human in history, or he does!

How about none of us do?

It must happen, you don't understand!!! YOUR CHOICE. US OR HIM

Here we see David struggling to decide what best to do, with the flames fanning closer, then away, from the pages. Hank uses this moment to kick REBEL DAVID in the balls and breaks free. He tries to get the cube out of his hand, but instead just makes REBEL DAVID drop it. Hank runs for it, but to get out of the house he has to get past David (present)

REBEL DAVID lurches for his weapon and fires at Hank, but Hank dives and he misses, the shot however almost hits David. The shock of which causes David to drop the diary on the floor.

As Hank is lying on the ground he see the weapon Maria used earlier (Maybe Maria always came through, because regardless who was the future King, both of them were bastards and corrupt, or perhaps they are in a time bubble, at the centre of string universes, point is, her weapon is still there) Hank picks up Maria's cube weapon and he see's a button on the side. He turns around and see's REBEL DAVID stood over him with a manic look upon his face. REBEL DAVID is about to finish Hank off when Hank presses the button on the cube in his palm and it lets off a white flared shot right up REBEL DAVID ass, disintegrating him.

Present day Hank and David stand up next to each other and just stand still for a moment, taking in all what has happened.



You've just killed me

Well you killed me first!

Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!

Because you are an asshole!

They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama

What you gonna do with the diary?

I don't know?

Future dick said one of us had to be ruler

They both stand quiet again as their glaze fixes upon the diary on the floor in front of them.

They both make a jump for it and begin wrestling on the floor again (like at the start of the film)

Whilst they are fighting we see the diary getting pulled under the table.

Hank and David stop fighting as they can hear something....a crunching sound

They both turn to look at the table, from where the noise is coming

The camera pans in to the dark space

The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing



Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps

Hard cut to black



(Voice over)
Meanwhile in another parallel universe at 8:59PM

Both DAVID and Hank are back when they were waiting for the clock to strike 9pm

9pm strikes and....nothing

See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.

No! You must tear out the pages!

Goodnight Hank



The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank
punching him in the lovespuds as he laughs manically


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Comments by other Members

billy p at 19:56 on 08 April 2013  Report this post
Hello Scott,

The only slight quibble I've got is when Hank says, " No! You must tear out the pages!"
It sounds like a command, although I understand what he means. Maybe if he says it in the past tense, even though he means it will happen in the future?(Or have I got it all completely wrong? This time-travel lark is a bit confusing).

I'm looking forward to seeing this. Where will we be able to see it?


The Bar Stward at 23:07 on 08 April 2013  Report this post
We just had a table read tonight and funny enough, the point you raised was also one of the main points raised there. So we might change it to something along the lines of 'You probably rip the page out!' We'll try a few lines on the day.

I'm doing a final draft tonight, but its hardly any different to the above draft, except we are cutting out the entire part where it cuts back to how it was Hanks idea, when he talks about Star Trek 4. We feel it isn't needed.

The Bar Stward at 23:09 on 08 April 2013  Report this post
Once I've done that, I'll storyboard it as soon as possible, but I have a trip which is going to interrupt doing them this week, so from storyboarding, to actually getting it filmed, and also doing the special effects (plus we're gonna animate the bit in the middle with Trevor starting the big bang with his burp) It will probably be middle of summer by the time it is finished, and I'll post up a link online for you to see

billy p at 23:13 on 08 April 2013  Report this post
I'll look forward to that!

The Bar Stward at 23:32 on 08 April 2013  Report this post
So did you like the overall story, did it make sense, all the future selves, and alternative future selves?

billy p at 18:31 on 09 April 2013  Report this post
Sorry to leave you hanging, I logged off straight after my last comment!
Yes, I do like it and followed it no problem. Another point though, sorry;

(Much more confident and arrogant)
How should I know? I left you in this shit hole to be rich, famous, and ruler of all the fucking universe!

This sounds a bit like David left Hank so that Hank could become rich and famous. Maybe something like 'in this shithole so that I could be rich, famous etc.'

The Bar Stward at 18:50 on 09 April 2013  Report this post
Yep, your completely right about that line and it will be said as you mentioned during the shoot. The only slight change Im gonna make now is at the begining of the film, I will show a shot of some photo frames, showing Hank as best man at Daves wedding, and also them two together under a divorce party banner, plus one or two other growing up together photos and at the very start I'll have Hank throw David a beer. Yes, they argue, but in the way close friends can. The reason Im doing this is so that it lends weight to when David has to decide whether to save Hank or let the future happen where he is a God/King

The Bar Stward at 14:22 on 12 April 2013  Report this post
I'm story boarding this now, and the sfx guys are prepping the special effects set up. So we're looking at filming the start of May

The Bar Stward at 15:17 on 12 April 2013  Report this post
Question: Is the hammer too harsh?

billy p at 16:53 on 12 April 2013  Report this post
I see what you mean, but it's hard to think of something else.
You could take the ridiculous route and use a spatula or maybe a succession of beer bottles. You could even get to a point where Hank needs another weapon but the bottles are all smashed, and he curses himself for not drinking more(Probably a bit late in the day to that far). But the beer bottle could work.

The Bar Stward at 17:07 on 12 April 2013  Report this post
The shot is going to be, every time Hank goes to hit someone, it gets within an inch of their head and then a time vortex knocks him over (we'll get this shot by filming it in reverse, no danger of anyone getting hurt, plus you'll get a nice dead stop)

So the beer bottle couldnt work because it needs to be same object and he never actually hits anyone. The spatula could work. I'm trying to think of a funny object which is heavy enough to be threatening but still silly

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