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Driftwood
Posted: 13 April 2013
Word Count: 42
Summary: Flash Poetry Challenge for Week 197
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DRIFTWOOD
Awoken from last nights intoxication - again
dazed, confused, all at sea,
alone in alcoholic masturbation
and a glass empty of full
stimulation, now sunk by consumption
that cured, waves of assumption -
has left me ugly,
and washed up, again.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 10:45 on 13 April 2013
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It has a feel of driftwood.
I didn't quite get my head round:
.......... waves of assumption -
has left me ugly, |
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I was trying to figure out which meaning of assumption and whether the 'has' should be 'have'?
I loved
and the last two lines are just right.
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 Dave Morehouse at 12:22 on 13 April 2013
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Hi Heath. From what little I have seen of your work I must say that I think you are at your best in these short, tightly written, poems. Yes, I like the sense of aimless bobbing through a repetitive life this poem relates to the reader. Like Oonah, I think there is an issue with "assumption". I also feel the poem is stronger without it due to those final wonderful lines. It seems to me that you have trimmed this down to its present form. I like that. Perhaps I can suggest one final trim so it looks like this?
Awoken from last nights intoxication - again
dazed, confused, all at sea,
alone in alcoholic masturbation
and a glass empty of full
stimulation, now sunk by consumption,
has left me ugly,
and washed up, again.
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Or maybe even further.,.
Awoken from last nights intoxication - again
dazed, confused, all at sea,
alone in alcoholic masturbation
and a glass empty of full
stimulation
has left me ugly,
and washed up, again.
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I don't know for certain. What are your thoughts? Cheers, Dave.
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 Flyswat at 14:22 on 13 April 2013
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Thankyou both Dave and Oonah. You were both correct, sort of, about 'assumption'. I struggled with the grammar and use, but knew what I was trying to do. The consumption of the alcohol was to cure whatever feelings or outlook that might seem repetitive thus creating waves of assumption rather than calmness. I think I was trying to be too clever in linking the two. You might understand the construction, or lack of, if I told you the original sentence was 'Awoken from last nights intoxication, has left me ugly,
and washed up, again'.
Oh, and yes, I debated 'has' and 'have' for what seemed like hours, Oonah. And I'm still not sure!
Thankyou
Heath
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Nella at 16:34 on 13 April 2013
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I'd go for "have" - I think it makes sense that way. Clever, the way you incorporated both of the prompts!
Robin
<Added>
I think if you left out the dash after "assumption" it might work better, because then you'd have "waves of assumption have left...", and it would be clear that it needs to be "have". If you get what I mean...
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 Artista at 18:15 on 13 April 2013
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Heath, I really like this poem, it flows well and is succinct. I think Robin, Dave and Oonah have given you excellent advice.
Jo
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 crowspark at 09:31 on 14 April 2013
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Hi Heath. Nice, tight poem with a great title. I agree with the advice given.
Bill
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