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The Time Diary: Draft 12

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 22 April 2013
Word Count: 3408
Summary: Sci fi comedy adventure about the perils of time travel
Related Works: The Time Diary • The Time Diary Draft 4 • The Time Diary Draft 8 • The Time Diary Final Draft • 

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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

EXT: A view of swirling galaxies

Once upon a time, a parallel universe much like our own, quite suddenly
ceased to exist. When this happened it was precisely ten past night at
night, in England, on the planet Earth, which was in the Milky Way.


This is what happened 20 minutes before the big POP



DAVID, early 30s and dressed smartly in a shirt and wearing glasses, sits
on the end of a sofa writing in his diary. HANK,a similar age to DAVID but
much scruffier looking leaps onto the sofa, beer in one hand and switches on
the television with a remote. Music begins to blare out.

Can you please turn that down, Iím trying to write in my diary!

Hank observes DAVID writing in his diary with contempt

Hank has a flash back to all the previous nights where Davids writing has interrupted his fun (playing guitar, playing Xbox, even a house party)

Cuts back to Hank looking at diary with contempt. Hank crushes the can in his hand. The camera focuses in on diary and Titles fade in

Cut to wide shot of Hank looking at David with distain. Hank watches David for a moment, with glaring eyes, and then suddenly lunches for the diary and just before he reaches David, the frame freezes

Ha-hum(clears throat) lets skip forward five minutes


Hank and David are fighting (poorly) in a wrestling manner. David seems to be hugging his diary as Hank tries his best to steal it from him. Hank gets David in a headlock

Give me the diary!!


Stop writing about your pathetic boring life. What have you got to write about? Youíre a nobody!

(Break to wrestle a bit more)

If youíve wanna write something interesting, Iíve got something much more interesting to put in your diary than stories about of your sad life!

It ainít gonna happen David! Get off!

No, Iíve got a great idea so you better write it down or Im gonna come and punch you in the lovespuds when you're asleep!(this and try improving some threats)

Your a loon!!!! (Improv some insults)

[Hank tightens his grip on David's neck]

(Voice over)
Okay, lets skip forward another five minutes, as that goes on for quite a


Hank is stood holding a hammer to a chinchillas head, whilst DAVID is anxiously standing nearby

Voice Over
Ah, this is what I was looking for. So here is what happened 10 minutes before the big Pop, on the Planet Earth, in Birmingham, England. (If Hank, Maria, Philip and Tony have brummy accents, its makes sense)

Just put down Mr Wibbles, Hank

Write it!

Okay, okay. Iím doing it..

(Hank waves the hammer over Mr Wibbles head menacingly)

What are you writing, show me!

Okay! Iím writing ďI, DAVID Carter, the inventor of Time Travel, bestow this secret to you. I invented time travel because on Wednesday Thursday 26th September, 2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, in my notes for future generations, will come to me on this date and at

Say 9pm,
(can see the time on digital clock 8:58)

at precisely 9pm and tell me how to invent a working time machine. With these instructions, I, DAVID Carter, will become the inventor of time travel. Okay, are you happy now you utter mad man, now give me
(a slight cry in his voice)
Mr Weebles!!!

Do you swear to never destroy that page?


Swear it, or help me God I will wear Weeblyís ass as a slipper
(Alternatively, as Antony wishes to say) Swear it or I'll smash in his teeny
little face! (Try other improvs)

I swear it! I'll leave it in, if only to record what a complete nutter I was forced to live with!

Okay, glad you've seen sense finally.

Hank tosses Mr Weeble to DAVID and watches the clock (no chinchilla shall be harmed in the filming of this production!)

The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm

Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time

9pm strikes and....nothing

See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.

No! You probably rip the page out in a minute! That's why it didn't work!

Hank picks up the hammer

Give me Mr Weebles back!

David screams in a girly manner as Hank steps forward. Hank goes to hit Mr Weebles on the head, but as the hammer is just an inch from the chinchillas head (filmed in reverse and sped up, no harm to actual chinchilla) suddenly a flash of light knocks Hank and DAVID across the room onto the floor As the pair look up, they see a wormhole, a tear in space and time, open up right
in front of them

(Production note: when filming, use a hair dryer to create a wind effect on
two leads)

DAVID and Hank are dumbfounded

A man (PHILIP) steps through the vortex into the living room. He looks like a smarmy council worker from the 70's. Moustache and sideburns. He is quickly followed by another man with a notebook, his assistant

Philip looks bursting with pride as he approaches David, like a giddy fan meeting a rock idol

Philip theatrically bows to David only. Tony does not bow but begins to scribble on his note pad and takes photo

Do not be afraid

Philip offers his hand and helps David up off of the floor. Hank put his hand out for a help up but Philips turns his back on him and walks David away

Hey, do I get a hand?

Philip tries to ignore Hank. Maybe try some improv here. Perhaps Hank tries to get Philips attention and Philip is trying to tell Hank to fuck off without David noticing. Philip is no longer a sinister character. Instead he holds David is huge esteem, whilst he consider Hank as a nobody.

Philip turns back to Dave, once again overly happy

Lord DAVID Carter. I can express enough what a marvellous pleasure, such an honour this is m'lord. My name is Philip Lawlor and I am from the department of Time Travel in the year 2113.

Youíre fr....fr...

From the future m'lord. Yes. I am here at your request, as per the instructions in the diary we received from you this morning, and here are those instructions for time travel. (Should we film a flash back here? Show a quick snippet scene of Philip receiving the parcel from the postman (or post robot) and him opening it. Over the top of this you would hear Philips explanation)

Philip hands David a scroll, (Tony gets close up and starts do big blinks at at Philip and David)

Donít mind my assistant here, he is documenting this historic event. (we see a POV clip from Tony, who has terminator style computer vision. He has a camera/computer built into his head or perhaps he is wearing computerized contact lenses. As he is from 100 years into the future, I dont think people will have normal cameras, Iíve already read about computer lenses now and google glasses are coming out soon too)

(Butts in between Philip and David)
Ha! Ha ha! I told you DAVE! Ha ha, oh my God, Iíve invented time travel!
Who's a lunatic now? Wha ha ha ha

Blimey. So, er...so in the future you get my diary then Philip?

Quite, tomorrow you will put it in the post with the instructions that it
will be delivered to my departments at 9am, September 26th 2113 and so I am
here my lord.

Wow, so the idea works then?

Oh yes my Lord, it worked and it has changed everything. Mankind owes your
brilliance a debt that can never be repaid. Weíve gone all over time, and
space too and weíve discovered everything!

[Frame freezes]

Voice over
Philip is quite right. For example, you may be interested to know that the big bang was started by a caretaker in the Birmingham time department called Geoffrey Evans, whilst on his lunch break

Cut to cartoon animation:

Text: 15 billion years agi

A white screen. Suddenly a time portal opens and we see Geoff pocking his head out. He looks about smoking a cigarette with one hand and eating a hamburger with the other.

Not much going on here
(lets off burp cloud from mouth. It floats in air)

Womans voice from inside the portal
Geoff, what are you doing mucking about with that time machine! Go clean the dog shit off the carpet

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming
Miserable ol'cow

Geoff disappears back into the time portal and the camera zooms in on the burp cloud, showing the chemicals now floating in the void, that multiple as the time on a clock rapidly grow, and the cartoon ends with a big bang

Cut back:

[Text: 13.82 billion years later]

You're responsible for changing everything, you are are worshipped like a God!

A God!

Hey! Hang on a minute. Him? A GOD!?

YES! it was his amazing insight that created the ability to travel through time and space. This has transformed the world! This man is the most amazing human in history!


Philip wipes spit from his eye

Excuse me?

It was my idea, it was all my idea!

Your idea?

Yes, my idea, all of this is down to me. Not this loser here! He's stolen it all from me! You bum sucking bastard David!

Is this true Lord Carter?

Stop calling him lord!

Are his claims true m'lord?


[DAVID has a flashback to what Hank said earlier V.O Hank: Youíre a nobody,
Youíre a nobody, Youíre a nobody]

....No, NO! Does he look like someone who could have come up with such an amazing idea? Ha ha ha

Of course not. Ha ha ha

Look at him!

(Cut to Hank picking his nose)

(Hank waves his bogey finger at the pair, Philip particularly is aware of
Donít you fucking dare, Iíll....

Hank picks up the hammer and steps towards David. The same as with the chinchilla, Hank goes to hit David on the head with the hammer but as the hammer is an inch from Davids head, another light erupts in the room, once again knocking everyone in the room to the ground.

A second vortex opens

A small woman steps through the second vortex into the living room. She is dressed in a suit and is carrying a clipboard. On her suit is a name tag which says: TIME DEPARTMENT: Maria Daints

Philip quickly pops up, dusts himself off and steps forward towards Maria with fury.

What on Earth are you doing here? This is a forbidden time zone! I'll have you fired for this embarrassment! (maybe improv funny places in time he could have her demoted to inspecting)

Philip is still ranting when Maria drops her clip board and holds out a small white cube

She's a rebel sir!!!!!

Here Becky should swap her angelic look, for a demonic, kick ass personia. Like how the woman does at the start of Pulp Fiction in the dinner

The white box being held by Maria begins to glow and it suddenly fires an almighty white light beam. The beam travels through a shocked looking Philips eye and continues onto to blast Tony (who was stood behind him) to smithereens.

A shocked Hank and David watch Tonys notepad and pen hit the ground in front of them, followed by a pile of dust. When they look back up they see Maria stood in front of David, holding the white cube in front of his face

No, please! Iíve done nothing wrong!

Not yet......not ever

A light on the cube indicates it is charging back up

Hank, HELP!

Hank however is already slopping off, and makes a sprite for the kitchen to save himself, however, just as Maria goes to shoot, a lazer blasts over the fleeing Hanks shoulder (from the darkened kitchen) and hits Maria dead. Also there should be a flash from the kitchen to demonstrate another portal

DAVID and Hank get up, bewildered by these events

The shadow man emerges from the darkened room. Smoke billows out

Geezus. You're me!

How observant I was
(Says David with a wry smile)

Future David is slightly older looking, but more noticeable is that he is brimming with cocksure confidence.

Hank, feels immense anger at Future David, as that is the man who he feels has stolen what should be his.

Your a GOD! I should be a God, not you, it was all my idea!

Hank tries to punch F.David but his punch is easily deflected and Hank crashes to the ground

(looking up at F.David)
Oh, I see you've done very well for yourself, haven't you! You big king dildo?

Oh I'm a king alright
I'm King of the World Hank! Most powerful man in all of time

Wellllllllll, good for you.........dick
So where the hell am I in all this?

(Much more confident and arrogant)
How should I know? I left you in this shit hole so that I could be rich, famous, and ruler of all time and space!

That should all be mine.

Well it was all in my diary Hank!
(F.David sniggers and gets up close to Hank and whispers)
So whose the nobody now, aye?
(And punches him in the balls)

Hank looks on in shock and anger, lost for words.

What are you doing here?

To stop her from killing you, me. You tend to remember stuff like this happening

But why was that woman trying to kill me?

Time travel tends to disproves a lot of old bollocks


Ha, youíll find out soon enough, life is going to be amazing

Oh my God!

Yeah, so get yourself a new diary, cos youíve got a lot to write about

The two Davids laugh with happiness at how brilliant their lives will/has become

You bastards, you total bastards! It was my idea! I should be the king of the fucking world

Hank goes to strike Future DAVID with the hammer but Future DAVID puts a force field around him and present day DAVID. Hank bashes at the force field whilst Future David laughs at him

Hank screams momentarily until something dawns on him and he rushes over grabs the diary

Whose laughing now you big ass dildo!

Future David stops laughing

SHOT of Hank rubbing out Davids name in the diary and writing in HANK


Suddenly Future David disappears and is replaced with an older version of Hank, who is white haired and bearded and is wearing a robe and crown.

Force field disappears

How can time be changed like that?

Future Hank punches David in the balls and gives his younger self a big thumbs up.

How the fuck should I know, I'm just king of the mother fucking world sucker. HA HA HA

F.Hank gives Hank a big double thumbs up and a huge cheesy grin, but a second later his face quickly turns to surprise just before he disappears in a puff of smoke

Standing next to Marias time portal is a wounded, tramp looking FUTURE DAVID who is holding a white cube (like Maria had)

REBEL DAVID looks at F.HANKS ashes with delighted relief, whilst Hank looks at them with despair, then they look at each other.

Hank goes to run but REBEL DAVID is too fast and quickly has him in a headlock with the weapon cube to his temple.

REBEL DAVID is about to kill Hank when...


REBEL DAVID and HANK look up to see David holding the diary aloft with a lit lighter beneath it.

Let Hank go.

You donít understand!
(R.D fires up the weapon ready to shoot)

Let him go, Iím not going to let you kill him
(the flames begin to fan the diaries pages)

I have to, he's fucked up all the forward projecting time lines.

I don't care, you can't just go around killing people, even if it is Hank!

HANK struggles but REBEL DAVID restrains him

This bastard uses time travel to unleash his tyranny across time and space. He unleashes chaos, misery, death and destruction in order to feed his greed and vanity.
(As R.D says this, we see shots of the future, destruction, people in rags next to ruins, and finally Hank sat on a throne of bones laughing manically)

(Stops struggling)
(Hank looks impressed)

He has to be destroyed now so that the original time line will be restored and his becomes the aborted reality. Its either you or him!

How about none of us?

David starts to burn the diary. Rebel David panics. He lets go of Hank to stop Present David

STOP! You donít realise what will happen!

Hank uses this moment to kick REBEL DAVID in the balls. He tries to get the cube out of R.Davids hand, but instead just makes REBEL DAVID drop it. Hank jumps on the floor and grabs the cube, but rebel David stands over Hank and tries to pull the cube from his hands. Hank presses the button on the cube, but Rebel David moves Hanks arms away from him. The shot misses rebel David but almost hit Present David. The shock of which causes P.David to drop the diary on the floor.

Rebel David turns to look at David, fearing he had been shot. Hank takes this moment to take his shot at Rebel David, who is stood over him. Hank presses the button on the cube in his palm and it lets off a white flared shot right up REBEL DAVID ass, disintegrating him.

Present day Hank and David stand up next to each other and just stand still for a moment, taking in all what has happened.



You've just killed me

Well you killed me first!

Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!

Because you are an asshole!

They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama

What you gonna do with the diary?

Destroy it. I wish you never came up with that infernal time travel idea. It causes nothing but disater (a play on a quote from Back to the Future)

Fuck that! Iím gonna be King of the mutha fucking world! Whereís the diary?

Hank points the gun at David

Youíre joking right?

Hank fires up the weapon

(Stutters) I dropped it right........

They look down and its not there, but they hear munching from under a table

They both kneel to look under the table, from where the noise is coming

The camera pans in to the dark space

The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and
David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing



Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps (the burp also what causes the end of the universe, as a burp started it)

Hard cut to black



(Voice over)
Meanwhile in another parallel universe at 8:59PM

Both DAVID and Hank are back when they were waiting for the clock to strike

9pm strikes and....nothing

See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.

No! You must tear out the pages!

Goodnight Hank



The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank punching him in the lovespuds as he laughs manically


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Comments by other Members

The Bar Stward at 10:36 on 22 April 2013  Report this post
I've also given thought about cutting the very beginning, indtead starting from the chinchilla scene

billy p at 15:12 on 23 April 2013  Report this post
I think cutting the beginning would work. It makes a weirder start. A couple of things:

Okay! Iím writing ďI, DAVID Carter, the inventor of Time Travel, bestow this secret to you. I invented time travel because on Wednesday Thursday 26th September, 2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, in my notes for future generations, will come to me on this date and at[/quote]

Need to lose the Wednesday.

[quote]Here Becky should swap her angelic look, for a demonic, kick ass personia. Like how the woman does at the start of Pulp Fiction in the dinner[/quote]

Who's Becky? Is this just a reference to the person playing Maria?

Also, it occurred to me; Would you have to explain how the Future David and Hank came to live to be 130? They would have to become Timelords or discover the secret of eternal youth out in space, or something.


Don't know what happened to the quote boxes, they work when they feel like it!

The Bar Stward at 15:34 on 23 April 2013  Report this post
Hello Billy

I want to cut the begining but we're gonna film it anyway and see it with and without in the edit. I think it would be good to come straight in with the chinchilla scene

Yes, my mistake, Becky is the person playing Maria

Future David doesnt need to come from the same time as Philip, he has the ability to time travel from the present day forward, he can go throughout time.

Billy, I know you've been reading all the drafts, what do you think of the overall changes. I've cut out all the sinister time agent stuff cos it no longer made sense, what I'm concentrating more on is how Hank feels he has this idea stolen from him. Philip is now just a fan meeting his idol, and its this idolism that winds Hank up even more.

billy p at 16:51 on 23 April 2013  Report this post
I thinks best as it is now, (with the Chinchilla beginning). It's not a long piece, and should concentrate on the two characters rather than complicating the plot too much.

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