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The Time Diary: Draft 15

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 24 May 2013
Word Count: 3340
Summary: The perils of time travel


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


EXT: A view of swirling galaxies




VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
Once upon a time, a parallel universe almost identical to our own suddenly ceased to exist. (pause for Sound effect POP) When this happened it was precisely ten past nine at night, in England, Earth.




THE UNIVERSE DISAPPEARS WITH A POP




VOICE OVER NARRATIVE
This is what happened 20 minutes before the big POP




CUT TO:

INT: Living room

Two men are facing each other. A scruffy 20 something holding a chinchilla and a hammer, and the man opposite him, same age but more smartly dressed.


DAVID
Just put down Mr Wibbles, Hank




HANK
(Breathless)
Write what I told you to in your diary NOW!





DAVID
This is ridiculous, just give me




Hank gestures the hammer at the Chinchilla




DAVID
Okay, okay. Iím doing it..




(David backs off and sits down and begins writing in the diary)


David
See, Iím writing, you happy now




HANK
READ OUT WHAT YOUR WRITING!




DAVID
Okay! Iím writing ďI, DAVID Carter, the soon to be inventor of Time Travel, bestow this secret to you. I was able to invent a working time machine because on Thursday 26th September, 2013, a time traveller, as instructed by me now, in my notes for future generations, will come to me on this date and at




HANK
Say 9pm,
(can see the time on digital clock 8:58)




DAVID
at precisely 9pm and tell me how to invent a working time machine. With these instructions, I, DAVID Carter, will become the inventor of time travel. Okay, are you happy now you utter mad man, now give me
(a slight cry in his voice)
Mr Weebles!!!




HANK
Do you swear to never destroy that page?




DAVID
Yes




HANK
Swear it, or help me God Iíll not only wear Weeblyís ass as a slipper right now but Iíll also come into your room in the middle of the night and punch you in the nuts



DAVID
I swear it! I'll leave it in, if only to record what a complete nutter I was forced to live with!




HANK
Okay, glad you've seen sense finally.




Hank tosses Mr Weeble to DAVID and watches the clock (no chinchilla shall be harmed in the filming of this production!)




The hand on the clock ticks down to 9pm




Both DAVID and Hank become fixated on the time



(Possible line to add in. We can record and decide later if it is needed or not)



David
If Time travel was invented in the future, why would they give it to you to invent?


Hank
Because its a paradox obviously. The people in the future got time travel from me, who invented it in their past, now shut up, its almost nine!




9pm strikes and....nothing




DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.




HANK
No! You probably rip the page out in a minute! That's why it didn't work!




Hank picks up the hammer




HANK
Give me Mr Weebles back!




David screams in a girly manner as Hank steps forward. Hank goes to hit Mr Weebles on the head, but as the hammer is just an inch from the chinchillas head (filmed in reverse and sped up, no harm to actual chinchilla) suddenly a flash of light knocks Hank and DAVID across the room onto the floor As the pair look up, they see a wormhole, a tear in space and time, open up right
in front of them



(Production note: when filming, use a hair dryer to create a wind effect on
two leads)




DAVID and Hank are dumbfounded




A man (PHILIP) steps through the vortex into the living room. He looks like a smarmy council worker from the 70's. Moustache and sideburns. He is quickly followed by another man with a notebook, his assistant



Philip looks bursting with pride as he approaches David, like a giddy fan meeting a rock idol


Philip theatrically bows to David only. Tony does not bow but begins to scribble on his note pad and takes photo


PHILIP
Do not be afraid


Philip offers his hand and helps David up off of the floor. Hank put his hand out for a help up but Philips turns his back on him and walks David away


Hank
Hey, do I get a hand?

Philip tries to ignore Hank. Maybe try some improv here. Perhaps Hank tries to get Philips attention and Philip is trying to tell Hank to fuck off without David noticing. Philip is no longer a sinister character. Instead he holds David is huge esteem, whilst he consider Hank as a nobody.


Philip turns back to Dave, once again overly happy



PHILIP
Lord DAVID Carter. I can express enough what a marvellous pleasure, such an honour this is m'lord. My name is Philip Lawlor and I am from the department of Time Travel in the year 2113.




David
Youíre fr....fr...




PHILIP
From the future m'lord. Yes. I am here at your request, as per the instructions in the diary we received from you this morning, and here are those instructions for time travel. (As Philip is saying this, we swipe to a sequence of shots showing the letter. A human hand puts it on a shelf/ we see web appear/ a robot hand takes it off of the post shelf, knocks on the time department door (door plaque) and delivers it to Philip)




Philip hands David a scroll, (Tony gets close up and starts do big blinks at at Philip and David)


PHILIP
Donít mind my assistant here, he is documenting this historic event. (we see a POV clip from Tony, who has terminator style computer vision. He has a camera/computer built into his head or perhaps he is wearing computerized contact lenses. As he is from 100 years into the future, I dont think people will have normal cameras, Iíve already read about computer lenses now and google glasses are coming out soon too)



HANK
(Butts in between Philip and David)
Ha! Ha ha! I told you DAVE! Ha ha, oh my God, Iíve invented time travel!
Who's a lunatic now? Wha ha ha ha




DAVID
Blimey. So, er...so in the future you get my diary then Philip?




PHILIP
Quite, tomorrow you will put it in the post with the instructions that it
will be delivered to my departments at 9am, September 26th 2113 and so I am
here my lord.




DAVID
Wow, so the idea works then?




PHILIP
Oh yes my Lord, it worked and it has changed everything. Mankind owes your
brilliance a debt that can never be repaid. Weíve gone all over time, and
space too and weíve discovered everything!



[Frame freezes]


Voice over
Philip is quite right. For example, you may be interested to know that the big bang was started by a caretaker in the Birmingham time department called Geoffrey Evans, whilst on his lunch break




Cut to cartoon animation:

Text: 15 billion years agi


A white screen. Suddenly a time portal opens and we see Geoff pocking his head out. He looks about smoking a cigarette with one hand and eating a hamburger with the other.



GEOFF
Not much going on here


Womans voice from inside the portal
Geoffrey, where are you!

GEOFF
Iím on my lunch break Marion, I mean Boss


Marion
You know you shouldnít be mucking about with the time portal!
Go fix the bog on level 2 now! Theres a unflushable shit in there!

GEOFF
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming
(Mutters)
Miserable ol'cow
(lets off burp cloud from mouth. It floats in air)




Geoff disappears back into the time portal and the camera zooms in on the burp cloud, showing the chemicals now floating in the void, that multiple as the time on a clock rapidly grow, and the cartoon ends with a big bang




Cut back:




[Text: 13.82 billion years later]




PHILIP
You're responsible for changing everything, you are are worshipped like a God!




DAVID
A God!




HANK
Hey! Hang on a minute. Him? A GOD!?




PHILIP
YES! it was his amazing insight that created the ability to travel through time and space. This has transformed the world! This man is the most amazing human in history!



HANK
Bullshit!!!!




Philip wipes spit from his eye




PHILIP
Excuse me?




HANK
It was my idea, it was all my idea!




PHILIP
Your idea?




HANK
Yes, my idea, all of this is down to me. Not this loser here! He's stolen it all from me! You bum sucking bastard David!




PHILIP
Is this true Lord Carter?




Hank
Stop calling him lord!




PHILIP
Are his claims true m'lord?




DAVID
Err,



[DAVID has a flashback to what happened before the chinchilla incident at the beginning of the film]

CUT TO:

Hank is looking at David writing in his diary with distain


HANK
Why donít you give writing in that thing a rest?


DAVID
Itís important, Iím documenting my life for future generations, and for myself too. Ifs a bit like having your own time machine.


HANK
Time machine eh! Look, Iíve got a better idea for what you can write in your diary, because lets face it, who wants to read about your pathetic life, your a nobody, a nobody, a no body, a nobody (fades out)


CUT BACK TO:



DAVID
....No, NO! Does he look like someone who could have come up with such an amazing idea? Ha ha ha


PHILIP
Of course not. Ha ha ha


DAVID
Look at him!


(Cut to Hank picking his nose)


HANK
What!
(Hank waves his bogey finger at the pair, Philip particularly is aware of
this)
Donít you fucking dare, Iíll....




Hank picks up the hammer and steps towards David. The same as with the chinchilla, Hank goes to hit David on the head with the hammer but as the hammer is an inch from Davids head, another light erupts in the room, once again knocking everyone in the room to the ground.



A second vortex opens




A small woman steps through the second vortex into the living room. She is dressed in a suit and is carrying a clipboard. On her suit is a name tag which says: TIME DEPARTMENT: Maria Daints




Philip quickly pops up, dusts himself off and steps forward towards Maria with fury.




PHILIP
What on Earth are you doing here? This is a forbidden time zone! I'll have you fired for this embarrassment! (maybe improv funny places in time he could have her demoted to inspecting)




Philip is still ranting when Maria drops her clip board and holds out a small white cube




TONY
She's a rebel sir!!!!!



Here Becky should swap her angelic look, for a demonic, kick ass personia. Like how the woman does at the start of Pulp Fiction in the dinner




The white box being held by Maria begins to glow and it suddenly fires an almighty white light beam. The beam travels through a shocked looking Philips eye and continues onto to blast Tony (who was stood behind him) to smithereens.




A shocked Hank and David watch Tonys notepad and pen hit the ground in front of them, followed by a pile of dust. When they look back up they see Maria stood in front of David, holding the white cube in front of his face



David
No, please! Iíve done nothing wrong!



MARIA
Not yet......not ever


A light on the cube indicates it is charging back up


DAVID
Hank, HELP!


Hank however is already slopping off, and makes a sprite for the kitchen to save himself, however, just as Maria goes to shoot, a lazer blasts over the fleeing Hanks shoulder (from the darkened kitchen) and hits Maria dead. Also there should be a flash from the kitchen to demonstrate another portal




DAVID and Hank get up, bewildered by these events




The shadow man emerges from the darkened room. Smoke billows out




DAVID
Geezus. You're me!




FUTURE DAVID
How observant I was
(Says David with a wry smile)




Future David is slightly older looking, but more noticeable is that he is brimming with cocksure confidence.


Hank, feels immense anger at Future David, as that is the man who he feels has stolen what should be his.


HANK
Your a GOD! I should be a God, not you, it was all my idea!


Hank tries to punch F.David but his punch is easily deflected and Hank crashes to the ground


HANK
(looking up at F.David)
Oh, I see you've done very well for yourself, haven't you! You big king dildo?




FUTURE DAVID
Oh I'm a king alright
(laughs)
I'm King of the World Hank! Most powerful man in all of time




HANK
Wellllllllll, good for you.........dick
(sarcasm)
So where the hell am I in all this?




FUTURE DAVID
(Much more confident and arrogant)
How should I know? I left you in this shit hole so that I could be rich, famous, and ruler of all time and space!




HANK
That should all be mine.




FUTURE DAVID
Well it was all in my diary Hank!
(F.David sniggers and gets up close to Hank and whispers)
So whose the nobody now, aye?
(And punches him in the balls)




Hank looks on in shock and anger, lost for words.




David
What are you doing here?




F.David
To stop her from killing you, me. You tend to remember stuff like this happening




DAVID
But why was that woman trying to kill me?




FUTURE DAVID
Time travel tends to disproves a lot of old bollocks




DAVID
What?





FUTURE DAVID
Ha, youíll find out soon enough, life is going to be amazing




DAVID
Oh my God!




F. DAVID
Yeah, so get yourself a new diary, cos youíve got a lot to write about



The two Davids laugh with happiness at how brilliant their lives will/has become




HANK
You bastards, you total bastards! It was my idea! I should be the king of the fucking world




Hank goes to strike Future DAVID with the hammer but Future DAVID puts a force field around him and present day DAVID. Hank bashes at the force field whilst Future David laughs at him




Hank screams momentarily until something dawns on him and he rushes over grabs the diary




HANK
Whose laughing now you big ass dildo!




Future David stops laughing




SHOT of Hank rubbing out Davids name in the diary and writing in HANK
LAWLOR!




FUTURE DAVID
NOOOOOOOO




Suddenly Future David disappears and is replaced with an older version of Hank, who is white haired and bearded and is wearing a robe and crown.




Force field disappears




DAVID
How can time be changed like that?




Future Hank punches David in the balls and gives his younger self a big thumbs up.




FUTURE HANK
How the fuck should I know, I'm just king of the mother fucking world sucker. HA HA HA




F.Hank gives Hank a big double thumbs up and a huge cheesy grin, but a second later his face quickly turns to surprise just before he disappears in a puff of smoke




Standing next to Marias time portal is a wounded, tramp looking FUTURE DAVID who is holding a white cube (like Maria had)




REBEL DAVID looks at F.HANKS ashes with delighted relief, whilst Hank looks at them with despair, then they look at each other.


(Note: Rebel David should look like heís been tortured. Future Hank knows what he is going to do and at some point has tried to detain him. David looks like heís been tortured. Eye patch. Missing teeth, scars)



Hank goes to run but REBEL DAVID is too fast and quickly has him in a headlock with the weapon cube to his temple.




REBEL DAVID is about to kill Hank when...




DAVID
STOP!




REBEL DAVID and HANK look up to see David holding the diary aloft with a lit lighter beneath it.




DAVID
Let Hank go.




REBEL DAVID
You donít understand!
(R.D fires up the weapon ready to shoot)




DAVID
Let him go, Iím not going to let you kill him
(the flames begin to fan the diaries pages)




REBEL DAVID
I have to, he's fucked up the forward projecting time line to an alternative passage.

(Alternative line, using Docs quote from Back to the future II)

I have to, the time continuum has been disrupted, creating an alternative future




DAVID
I don't care, you can't just go around killing people, even if it is Hank!




HANK struggles but REBEL DAVID restrains him




REBEL DAVID
This bastard uses time travel to unleash his tyranny across time and space. He unleashes chaos, misery, death and destruction in order to feed his greed and vanity.
(As R.D says this, we see shots of the future, destruction, people in rags next to ruins, and finally Hank sat on a throne of bones laughing manically as money falls around him cgi and possibly women at his feet)


Hank
(Stops struggling)
Really?
(Hank looks impressed)


REBEL DAVID
He has to be destroyed now so that the original time line will be restored and his becomes the aborted reality. Its either you or him!



DAVID
How about none of us?



David starts to burn the diary. Rebel David panics. He lets go of Hank to stop Present David




REBEL DAVID
STOP! You donít realise what will happen!




Hank uses this moment to kick REBEL DAVID in the balls. He tries to get the cube out of R.Davids hand, but instead just makes REBEL DAVID drop it. Hank jumps on the floor and grabs the cube, but rebel David stands over Hank and tries to pull the cube from his hands. Hank presses the button on the cube, but Rebel David moves Hanks arms away from him. The shot misses rebel David but almost hit Present David. The shock of which causes P.David to drop the diary on the floor.




Rebel David turns to look at David, fearing he had been shot. Hank takes this moment to take his shot at Rebel David, who is stood over him. Hank presses the button on the cube in his palm and it lets off a white flared shot right up REBEL DAVID ass, disintegrating him.




Present day Hank and David stand up next to each other and just stand still for a moment, taking in all what has happened.




(David)
Hank



(HANK)
What?



DAVID
You've just killed me



HANK
Well you killed me first!



DAVID
Yeah, but you shot me up the asshole!



HANK
Because you are an asshole!



They both stand quiet again for another pause to take in the drama



HANK
What you gonna do with the diary?



DAVID
Destroy it. I wish you never came up with that infernal time travel idea. It causes nothing but disater (a play on a quote from Back to the Future)



HANK
Fuck that! Iím gonna be King of the mutha fucking world! Whereís the diary?



Hank points the gun at David



David
Youíre joking right?



Hank fires up the weapon



David
(Stutters) I dropped it right........



They look down and its not there, but they hear munching from under a table



They both kneel to look under the table, from where the noise is coming



The camera pans in to the dark space



The camera cuts to the silhouetted back of Mr Wibbles (we can see Hank and
David looking at him) and we hearing the sound of paper tearing



HANK
Mr Wibbles! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



THE CLOCK STRIKES 9.10PM



Cut to Mr Wibbles eating last bit of paper and burps (the burp also what causes the end of the universe, as a burp started it)



Hard cut to black



THE END



AFTER CREDITS FINISH






(Voice over)
Meanwhile in another parallel universe at 8:59PM




Both DAVID and Hank are back when they were waiting for the clock to strike
9pm



9pm strikes and....nothing



DAVID
See! You're a complete lunatic! I'm going to my room to pack.



HANK
No! You must tear out the pages!



DAVID
Goodnight Hank



FADE OUT



CUT TO:



The camera creeps up to a David soundly asleep in bed, then we see Hank
punching him in the nuts as he laughs manically



THE END






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