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Diary of a random

by Nelly39 

Posted: 12 June 2013
Word Count: 1739
Summary: This is the opening of what could potentially be a bigger piece of work, it is about a girl who returns to Uniersity for her second year. I am struggling with the tense and whether I should present it in chapters or diary entries, as I realise they require different style's of writing. Any suggestions would be really helpful!


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Tuesday 20th September

So I’m back, the months of waiting are finally over, all I have to think about is that stupid hand drawn calendar, crossing of the days until my freedom, to laugh. Just standing on the doorstep of my home for the next 10 months made me smile; when I actually think about last year and how my life changed I feel overwhelmed. But as I said I am back and currently sitting in my musky smelling student room, waiting for my fellow reprobates to finish getting ready.

It will be interesting to see if any of them have had the urge to reinvent themselves over the summer… I always used to get this urge before returning to high school, I felt that there was something wrong with me that would wash away over the summer ready for me to start the new School year renewed. But inevitably on the first day of school I would walk through the door of my form room and deflate, the typical self-deprecating thoughts would re-emerge, and I would remember: like it would even be possible to change in a place where you have always lived with the same friends and family, who still call you that sickeningly childish name, which was acceptable until you turned thirteen and realised how much grief you could receive for it.

I am determined to enjoy every moment I am away from my home this year and be as memorable as possible. Never mind becoming a different person, I admit I saw the opportunity to reinvent myself last year and grabbed it with both hands, the feeling of freedom and lack of restraint was immense and I vow to never go back, the adrenalin rush is seriously too addictive.

Jayne of course was the first one back, book shelf already stacked and the course list already read; the girl’s commitment to the studying side of University life scares and shames me. Whilst waiting for the other’s to arrive we watched some soaps and caught up on what we had been up to over the summer. I tried to make mine sound exciting rather than the complete nightmarish haze that I wanted to forget; filled with 40 hour weeks and a parental lock syndrome in place. Jayne having the privileged life style she did seemed to have had a most enjoyable summer in Cannes with the rents. That is if your fun included visiting art galleries and quaint little towns with your parents and commenting on how everything was ‘just lovely’, I take the piss, but it secretly sounded amazing!

In the middle of Jayne describing, what seemed like a very contemporary exhibition involving inappropriate objects at Galerie de Cannes, Kate burst in. Every time I see her after long absences, I am sharply reminded of her exuberant personality and constant supply of energy. After settling down she filled us in on her two week holiday to the Costa Del Sol, according to her ‘a holiday isn’t a holiday without a romance and Pablo ticked all the right boxes’. Seriously, it is impossible to forget how insatiable this girl is. It is evident that she is reluctant to admit that she is still in touch with him, in an attempt to avoid myself and Jayne adopting the cock-blocking syndrome most friends inhabit when they hear the worrying signs of mind games and general male bullshit.

If it had been any other time I would have interrupted and said ‘Kate, please tell me you realise he is currently grooming his next holiday victim’ and ‘the swooning inducing dialogue has been developed over many summer holiday seasons, why can you not see through this!’, but it was the start of our second year and seriously, what harm could a holiday romance do? I realise this all sounds very harsh, and I should probably give him a chance but after hearing her parrot lines such as ‘your ex must have been a complete idiot to let you go’, ‘we just seem to click’ and my favourite ‘I have never felt this way before’, my mind was already made up and Paulo was marked as a grade A Muppet.

Wednesday 21st September

WHY… this seems to be the only word I can utter this morning, it is definitely relevant when considering the events of last night, fate can be such a bitch at times. Never mind the fact that I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller and punched in both eyes by Mike Tyson. Note to self - drinking triple vodka red bulls, will make a hypochondriac think they are having a heart attack.

Through my drink fuelled, and now hung over, haze I can remember deciding that we deserved a night out and as it was Wednesday where better to go than ____. The drinks were flowing, the music was pumping and there was some decent talent to scout. Despite the odd twisted ankle all was well with the world, until I heard the most unwelcome voice that had ever been invented by the almighty.
‘Lizzie’ was uttered by the boy whose name we must not utter, but to avoid being all Lord Voldermort about it lets just call him A. I found myself frozen in the middle of the dance floor thinking: is it seriously acceptable for him to approach me after a summer of ignored phone calls and texts? And as if he would be in the same club on the first night I venture out in my glorious return to my favourite city!

To cut the story short I didn’t hang round to find out what he wanted to say, but I can pretty much presume that it would be something along the lines of he misses me and thinks I look good; translation I forgot how well you scrubbed up and I need sex, answer = FUCK OFF. Safe to say I grabbed the girls and we moved on to less infected watering holes.

So here I am sitting here being philosophical, with an overwhelming feeling of emotional exhaustion. It’s been six months since things ended between me and A_ and I can’t help wondering… does thinking about what you think you feel make you think you feel more than you actually feel for someone? Confusing I know, I am positive that once someone leaves you build them up in your head to be something amazing and when you meet them again you just become disappointed; because it turns out that: no they are not the knight in shining armour you have imagined, who will rescue you from single life one day when you’re ready to depart its constant game playing and luscious freedom; they are not the person who will eventually see through all the walls of bullshit and see the real you and realise yes you are enough, you are the one for me, and you are fucking amazing… Does a man like this even exist? Because if he does I haven’t met him yet and I have kissed many, many bastard frogs!!

As I dragged myself to the living room / wall of kitchen, which is just rank can I say, to wallow in self-pity, both sofas are taken up by the culprits’ of my current state leaving me with the mouldy chair. I really had no energy to argue so I just grunted at them and collapsed in to the musky threadbare excuse for a chair that countless students have occupied; I shudder to think what the chair might contain. As it turns out it was 4 pm, which is quite shocking considering the hours I kept over the summer, but then again I am back to student life and don’t have my mother to witness my sloth like behaviour so fuck it. Time passed like it does with any hangover where it loses any sense of meaning, and the day was lost to crap DVDs I have seen a thousand times over and some seriously amazing grease food courtesy of Todd who had finally returned from his summer of god knows what to see us in our rough glory and immediately make a fast food run.

On his return I had no option but to relive the night before through the recollection of my friends. Despite my reluctance this is definitely a necessity, you have a limited time the day following the night before to laugh off cringy actions, otherwise you will end up alone in a darkened room repeating the cringy moment over and over until it becomes unbearable and the tears threaten.

‘What the fuck have you three hags been up to without me?’ Todd so eloquently asked ‘I am only late back by one evening and already you look like you have been dragged through a hedge backwards… dam you I’m jealous, anything juicy to report?’

Kate: ‘Well, if I can remember rightly there was a very lush Spanish looking boy at one of the bars, but he was nothing compared to my Paulo’ dramatic sigh (seriously this girl has issues)
Todd: ‘And who would Paulo be?’
Jayne: ‘Forget Paulo and Kate’s fan club, you would much more interested in hearing that A_ made an appearance last night.’
At this point I uttered a much deserved groan of self-pity and bury my face in a pillow. I have a hideous flash back of playing the ‘I’m ignoring you’ card and instead of walking out of the club in dignity I managed to trip over and land flat on my face, on a positive note I got man handled by the fit bouncer as he picked me up and showed me the rest of the way out.

The problem with me is that I forget where I am sometimes and totally loose myself in my thoughts, so it was no surprise for me to return to the world of reality and note all my friends staring at me in anticipation.
‘What?!’
‘Well… what happened?’ said Todd
‘Not much to report really he came, we left, the end’

The conversation that followed was the general slaging session reporting him to be: the biggest bastard on the planet, who should be sectioned, as he must have been mental if he thought he was allowed to speak to you ever again, never mind look at you. You have to love your friends, especially after a breakup.








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Comments by other Members



Account Closed at 21:06 on 14 June 2013  Report this post
Hi Nelly

I'll comment on this over the weekend. Thanks for uploading.



calliaphone at 15:18 on 15 June 2013  Report this post
Hi Nelly,

This piece has an easy, natural flow to it, which suits the informal attitude of the student-narrator (Lizzie, I think?), and gives us an impression of her slightly chaotic personality, even before she's started to fill us in on the details. I think there is room to slow down, though. There are parts (especially the breakfast scene), where the writing feels very compressed, and might benefit from a more detailed, leisurely approach, letting the action and dialogue unfold.

I particularly felt this whenever a new character was introduced. Instead of drawing rapid pen-portraits - of Jayne and Kate, the ex-boyfriend, even Todd - and telling us Lizzie's opinion of them ... why not let us see them for ourselves? You could let them tell her (and so tell us) about their holidays in their own words, rather than have the narrator summarise it for us. It would also give you more room to show us the relationships between the characters - what is said, and what is left unsaid, and the emotions that might be lurking between the lines. There are some complex relationships here - Lizzie admits that Jayne "scares and shames her", but they're still friends, so there must be more to Jayne than that (as her gossipy behaviour at breakfast later suggests). There is also a hint of jealousy from Lizzie towards Kate, "with her exuberant personality and constant supply of energy" - but also a desire not to deflate her or see her hurt. These are interesting conflicts, giving the characters real depth, and I would have liked to see them play out a little more each time before you move things on.

Both sections (Tuesday and Wednesday) have strong opening lines, which create a great sense of impact, and set up lots of questions to hook the reader in and keep them interested. At present, I think this works slightly better in the first section ("So, I'm back."), where we don't yet know anything about the character(s) and situation. In the second section ("WHY...?"), we already know about the night out and what happened, which detracts a little from the effect of the first line - there is less mystery for us to unravel as we read on.

One way of tackling this would be to lead off with the "WHY....?" moment on the Wednesday morning, then fill in the details of how she came to be in such a wretched state - sort of as an extended flashback that brings us up to date. That way, the reader's question of "what has happened here?" wouldn't be fully answered until we had learned about her return to uni, her reunion with her friends, and then with her ex on the night out.

Breakfast might then sit more comfortably as (part of?) a second chapter (which would also give you more room to develop it as a scene). This might be easier to make work if you end up running with a more conventional storytelling approach, rather than the diary form. But I wouldn't rule it out, even if you go with the diary approach. I know you were undecided about which form to adopt. I think each has its merits, but it's worth thinking about how story unfolds when told through a diary (where the narrator doesn't know what's going to happen to her character in the next chapter) compared to conventional narration (where everything has already happened before it has come to be written down, giving the narrator a different perspective on things).

Another point that occurs to me about diaries is that they can have a quite a confessional feel to them. This comes through in some places in your writing (particularly in that lovely moment where Lizzie reflects on the desire to reinvent herself before each School year, and the sad acknowledgement that, each time, "I would walk through the door of my form room and deflate." - which tells us so much about her hopes, and vulnerabilities, and ideas about herself). But at other points it drops into the background and you focus more on telling us the story (for example, on the night out). This is probably because you're experimenting with both approaches, and eventually you'll settle on the one you feel most comfortable with, and it will take over. So, in short, I wouldn't worry too much at this stage about which approach to use, just keep writing and see what comes to the fore.

Nelly39 at 09:06 on 17 June 2013  Report this post
Thank you both for your helpful comments and encouragement!

Manusha at 19:53 on 30 June 2013  Report this post
Hi Nelly,

I'm pleased to have the chance to read your story. I'll try to post a comment toady, but as others will attest I'm a bit slow, so please let me know if you plan to take this down in the next day or so.

Regards, Andy

Manusha at 22:37 on 03 July 2013  Report this post
Hi Nelly,

I enjoyed this. I liked the informal way it brings the reader close into her thoughts, and I think the way you’ve used long sentences brings a pleasing flow to the narration. In just one chapter you give the reader a good understanding of the MC, take us deep into her world, and in particular I really liked her humour and the way she describes things. ;

I am struggling with … whether I should present it in chapters or diary entries

I think this showed because for me it read as a mixture of both. Mostly though, from your use of dated entries, and the long sentences which are like a stream of thought rather than the usual prose of a story, it seemed you are favouring the diary style. As it stands, I felt it led to some confusion because I couldn’t settle on which style I was reading. I kept wondering whether she was retelling a scene or it was actually happening as she was narrating it. Just my opinion, but perhaps you need to decide on the style before going on much further. For what it’s worth, I thought the character’s narration suited the diary style and you do it very well. However, assuming you are aiming towards publication, I have no idea if a diary style story is in vogue at the moment and so can't judge whether it would be the best choice to attract an agent or publisher.

I have a few other points, but please remember that they are no more than one person’s opinion.

So I’m back, the months of waiting are finally over, all I have to think about is that stupid hand drawn calendar, crossing of the days until my freedom, to laugh.

I thought this was a really good opening line.

to laugh

But I’m not sure how this links to any other part of the sentence.

Just standing on the doorstep of my home for the next 10 months made me smile

Gosh, 10 months is a long time to stand on a doorstep – won’t she get tired? Then again, maybe she’s a tree and feels quite comfortable, hence the smile! Maybe it’s just me, but I read this as though she was predicting standing on her doorstep for the next 10 months and yet smiling about it in past tense as though it had already happened. That’s the tricky thing with ‘ing’ words, because they imply a continuous action they can end up giving quite a different meaning to a sentence than we originally intend. Maybe you could avoid the ambiguity with a little juggle and some punctuation: Just standing there, on the doorstep of my home for the next 10 months, made me smile

I always used to get this urge before returning to high school, I felt that there was something wrong with me that would wash away over the summer ready for me to start the new School year renewed.

For me, ‘I felt’ broke the flow of the sentence—in fact it is the start of a new sentence—and perhaps ‘feeling’ would allow it to flow better if you wish it to read as one. Also, the ellipsis preceding this, I think, is unnecessary. An ellipsis is best used to indicate a trailing away of speech or thought, or to indicate missing unquoted words in a quote. A full stop would do fine. To be honest, I’m not that any of the ellipses you’ve used are the best punctuation given their placement, and it seemed that you weren't too sure what the best punctuation would be and so defaulted to an ellipsis. Don't worry, you're not alone in that! Punctuation is a conundrum and no mistake!

But inevitably on the first day of school I would walk through the door of my form room and deflate, the typical self-deprecating thoughts would re-emerge, and I would remember: like it would even be possible to change in a place where you have always lived with the same friends and family, who still call you that sickeningly childish name, which was acceptable until you turned thirteen and realised how much grief you could receive for it.

This is a great example of how a long sentence (77 words, no less!), can have a wonderful narrative flow and draw the reader from one thought to the next. I’m not too sure about the colon though. I can see why you’ve used it, but to me, somehow it doesn’t quite read right. Perhaps it’s because of the first words that follow it.

I am determined to enjoy every moment I am away from my home this year and be as memorable as possible.

The first couple of times I read this I thought she meant she wanted to enjoy every moment away from home and for the year to be as memorable as possible, which meant it would need rewording. Then I wondered if she meant that she hopes to be as memorable as possible. Perhaps you could make it clearer which you mean.

the adrenalin rush is seriously too addictive.

I wonder if this would have more punch if it was a separate sentence.

Whilst waiting for the other’s

No need of the apostrophe in ‘other’s’.

If it had been any other time I would have interrupted and said ‘Kate, please tell me you realise he is currently grooming his next holiday victim’ and ‘the swooning inducing dialogue has been developed over many summer holiday seasons, why can you not see through this!’, but it was the start of our second year and seriously, what harm could a holiday romance do? I realise this all sounds very harsh, and I should probably give him a chance but after hearing her parrot lines such as ‘your ex must have been a complete idiot to let you go’, ‘we just seem to click’ and my favourite ‘I have never felt this way before’, my mind was already made up and Paulo was marked as a grade A Muppet.

This is one example of where I was unsure whether this was a diary entry relating recent events or it was happening now. I didn’t feel like I was in a particular setting, and the quoted speech, rather it being reporting as a to-and-fro between characters, made me favour that it was a diary entry. But at the end of it I remained unsure.

it was Wednesday where better to go than ____.

Sharley has already mentioned this, and I agree. I can't see any reason why the name isn't mentioned either.

Despite the odd twisted ankle all was well with the world,

I do like the humour throughout this story. I’d quote more of my favourite bits but the length of my crit would get too silly.

the most unwelcome voice that had ever been invented by the almighty

Capital ‘A’ for Almighty – it’s a proper noun.

both sofas are taken up by the culprits’ of my current state

No need of the apostrophe. It’s culprits, plural, not the possessive.

‘What the fuck have you three hags been up to without me?’ Todd so eloquently asked ‘I am only late back by one evening and already you look like you have been dragged through a hedge backwards… dam you I’m jealous, anything juicy to report?’

Kate: ‘Well, if I can remember rightly there was a very lush Spanish looking boy at one of the bars, but he was nothing compared to my Paulo’ dramatic sigh (seriously this girl has issues)
Todd: ‘And who would Paulo be?’
Jayne: ‘Forget Paulo and Kate’s fan club, you would much more interested in hearing that A_ made an appearance last night.’
At this point I uttered a much deserved groan of self-pity and bury my face in a pillow. I have a hideous flash back of playing the ‘I’m ignoring you’ card and instead of walking out of the club in dignity I managed to trip over and land flat on my face, on a positive note I got man handled by the fit bouncer as he picked me up and showed me the rest of the way out.

The problem with me is that I forget where I am sometimes and totally loose myself in my thoughts, so it was no surprise for me to return to the world of reality and note all my friends staring at me in anticipation.
‘What?!’
‘Well… what happened?’ said Todd
‘Not much to report really he came, we left, the end’


For me, this is possibly the closest it seemed to an actual, happening-right-now scene, but the names of the speakers followed by a colon also made it seem like the diary style. It's almost a cross between the two. I’m certainly no expert on the diary style story, but I would think that it might be best to make a clear distinction between the diary entries/reflections of the MC from scenes that are fully reported. Have you read books using the diary style? If not it might be an idea to do that, and if you have, have a look at how the scenes in the ‘now’ differ from the diary commentary of the MC.

As I said, I enjoyed this. I enjoyed the humour of the MC’s voice and the closeness to her thoughts that the diary style allows. I do, however, think it needs some more forward motion as far as the story goes. At the end of this chapter all I knew of the story was that the MC had returned to school and that she’d had a bad experience with ‘A’. For a first chapter, I think you will need more of a hint of where the story is heading to entice the reader on. I found the characters interesting, particularly the MC, but it’s good to give a clear hint to the reader that the interesting characters are going to do something interesting. Sort that out and I’m sure you’ll be onto a great story here.

I hope you can come to a decision as to how you want to write this, and I’m looking forward to seeing how you develop the story.

Regards, Andy

Nelly39 at 09:07 on 08 July 2013  Report this post
Hi Andy,

Thank you for taking the time to look at my work, your comments are very helpful! When i get a minute away from work I hope to work on it.

Nelly


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