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opus: earth

by Dave Morehouse 

Posted: 21 June 2013
Word Count: 81
Summary: I know it's late in the game but I revised and added two stanzas this morning. My apologies. For the song of the earth challenge


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REVISED

opus: earth

deep, deep within
miles below the surface we know
igneous fluids slurp
burble
liquescent fingernails
crevice claws
quartertones in Vulcanís song

the flare barely noticed
at 93 million miles
EM waves
bombard, build
bow at the poles
auroras sing to dawn

isobars narrow
over the Pacific
shunt swells westward
peaceful shoreline waits
shush, shush



ORIGINAL-
magma opus

deep, deep within
miles below the surface we know
igneous fluids slurp
burble
liquescent fingers
crevice claws
quartertones in Vulcanís song







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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 16:54 on 21 June 2013  Report this post
Not sure liquescent isn't overwritten, Dave but I liked the rest.

How about

liquid fingers claw through crevasses?

I like that fianl line.

tusker at 17:15 on 21 June 2013  Report this post
Well, Dave, you 'put in' a good one.

The vision of our inner planet is vivid in so few lines. Love the sounds in this poem too.

Jennifer

Dave Morehouse at 19:44 on 21 June 2013  Report this post
Ha, Oonah! I first wrote 'liquid fingers'. Great minds run in the same channels my mother would say. I changed to 'liquescent' because it sounded more 'slurpy and burbly' to me. I also liked the sound of 'liquescent' matched with 'crevice' in the next line. Thanks for keeping me grounded though.

Thanks, Jennifer. I tried to imagine where the Song of the Earth might originate and the poem just spilled out last night - after four days of drawing blanks.

Thanks again. Dave.

Artista at 08:45 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
I love your vision... And can see those molten fingernails seeking crevices in the rock. Great!
Jo

Dave Morehouse at 11:50 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
Thanks, Jo...and I like "fingernails" SO much better than "fingers". Tnanks again and consider it stolen. Cheers, Dave.

Artista at 14:53 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
Your welcome!
Jo

<Added>

I look forward to seeing the final version.

V`yonne at 15:56 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
You'll never persuade me about liquescent Dave. I loved
auroras sing to dawn

but I am not as keen on your final line in this vrsion. Maybe you could find a way to end on the above?

Dave Morehouse at 16:26 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
It would be easy to switch stanzas 2 & 3 since each stanza is a stand-alone phenomena. I may give that a go. I have been playing with Rainfall and Breezes stanzas also. I may try incorporating a couple more natural phenomena into this poem. 'Song of the earth' is starting to grow on me.

As far as liquescent is concerned I guess that's just water under the bridge.

V`yonne at 16:46 on 22 June 2013  Report this post
HoHo

crowspark at 11:03 on 23 June 2013  Report this post
Love that last stanza, Dave.

isobars narrow
over the Pacific
shunt swells westward
peaceful shoreline waits
shush, shush

and

EM waves
bombard, build
bow at the poles
auroras sing to dawn

At first I was hesitant about slurp, although accepting it might be an appropriate sound, but on re-reading I liked the first stanza very much.

Well done.


Nella at 10:05 on 24 June 2013  Report this post
I was never good at science, so this one is a challenge for me and I'm not qualified to comment. I agree with Oonah, though, that the last line is a little weak. Also the "shush, shush" as word choice seems to me at odds with the "slurp and burble", if that makes any sense at all.
Robin

Dave Morehouse at 18:18 on 24 June 2013  Report this post
Thanks Bill and Robin. I love going back to a poem after letting it rest for a while. (Usually on days when writer's block beats me down.) The WW archives keeps the comments and suggestions attached to the poem and I can look at it with fresh eyes and helpful suggestions. With 'shush, shush' I was trying to show the shore waiting for the sound of oncoming surf. I see I may need to rethink that. 'Slurp' rhymed with 'burble' but if it is confusing then it certainly isn't worth the rhyme. Thanks to both for your help. Dave


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