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Charon chapter 1

by scampmacmil 

Posted: 02 October 2013
Word Count: 892


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Chapter 1 Charon It begins 10/41

The Kommandant stood, relaxed at the edge of the ancient sandstone dock in Chania looking out over a black sea to the harbour mouth. He threw the stub of his glowing cheroot into the gently lapping Mediterranean. As he started to turn towards the sentries, clicking to attention at his Headquarters, the hiss from his cigar extinguishing was matched by another as the hunting arrow sped through the air to plunge deep into his chest.
Karl, the Kommandant’s driver and bodyguard, whirled round at the sound of the thud to see his charge crumple onto the jetty. He threw himself across the groaning body and screamed to the guards to fetch a medic and sound the alarm. The eerie wail of a klaxon was soon joined by others as the night cried a general alert. A squad of soldiers clattered down the steps. Some formed a protective cordon round their officer. Others dashed to shine their torches onto the water as Karl yelled out orders and pointed to where the attack had come from.
Two medics rushed down from the guard office closely followed by Feldwebel Brandt, the duty officer. One knelt and gently turned the Kommandant onto his side then onto his back. He winced as he saw the fast-spreading stain of dark blood welling through the uniform around the shaft of an arrow buried deep in the left breast. Ambulance now! he shouted then reached forward. It took all of his strength to slowly withdraw the well-embedded arrow. His companion pressed a thick swathe of bandage directly on to the wound and pushed down firmly .
The ambulance raced through the streets of the town led by two motor cyclists, each with a screaming siren. It swerved into the courtyard of the military hospital where the waiting team of Doctors and nurses grabbed the stretcher and rushed it in to the emergency surgery theatre. Over two hours later Dr Erich Rafael, Surgeon Commander, emerged looking drawn and grey-faced. His medic’s overalls were steeped with the blood of their Kommandant. Right Erich will he make it? asked the waiting officers. Gentlemen you have done well. Your Kommandant has lost a great deal of blood and the wound was deep. But he is a very fit man and because of the speed at which you and the medics responded to the attack I am confident he will make a full recovery although it will be some time before he will be strong enough to return to his duties.
More than one whispered a, Nazi un-approved, Goddt ser Danke.
Back at the HQ the operations room was a hive of furious activity. Officers barked out a stream of orders to their radio operators who sent messages out to the squads of soldiers hunting the assassin, Female secretaries placed red marker pins in the large scale map of Chania as squad after squad reported back that another block had been searched and cleared.
On the floor above, a group of SS officers were carefully examining their only evidence - the blood-stained, hunting arrow. One used a pair of surgical tweezers to carefully pick away the thin band of cloth tied tightly around the head of the feathered flight. As it came loose he saw writing on it.

‘Gruppenfuhrer look at this, it is marked with a name, Charon, and has a sign next to it.’
The Gruppenfuhrer examined the writing then turned sharply at the gasp of alarm from his deputy who had been peering closely at the arrow’s metal head with a powerful magnifying glass.

‘Goddt im Himmel, a hole has been drilled in this and it looks as if a wax has been used to seal in some liquid until the shaft struck. Radio the hospital now. Tell the surgeon in charge our leader may have been poisoned!

The surgeon dashed into his patient’s room and instructed the nurses to start emergency resuscitation. But he knew it was useless. It was obvious from the patient’s cold, waxy skin that the deadly toxin had done its work.
Across the bay, by the entrance to the harbour, a black figure slid out of the sea
and climbed up over the rubble of rocks which protected the foundation of the ancient lighthouse. It had been built by the Venetians during their long occupancy of Crete. In days gone by watchmen would keep a signal fire blazing in the cast iron brazier on its roof to signal the approach to Chania. Now a long shaft of white light from the searchlight on the platform high above the rocks probed the bay and the jetties. The Wehrmacht sentries did not think to look directly down below them to where the frogman removed a locking pin then pushed one of the sandstone blocks into the dark interior on greased rollers.
Charon climbed into his hideout, pushed the block back into place, removed the rollers and secured it again with the pin. He then pulled a thin plank of wood from a gap facing into the harbour and looked out at the increasing frenzy as the search for him mounted.
He slumped onto the cane bed, exhausted. Charon did not feel excited nor elated, just relieved that all the time he had spent preparing had been worthwhile. His campaign of vengeance had begun.






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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 20:12 on 06 October 2013  Report this post
Hello, Ian. Welcome to the group. I’m sure I’ll return to your chapter and comment more fully, but just some first impressions for now. My knowledge of the history of WWII isn’t great, so I wonder how much of the story is fictional. It’s set in Chania in Crete, of course, and the Germans were there, and there was resistance in Crete as everywhere else in occupied Europe - including well-planned assassinations.

The figure of Charon, though - is he based on a historical figure, or is he invented? The choice of name is convincing: a pseudonym which is the name of the ferryman of the underworld. Perfect. If he’s based on a real person, the story would become a historical novel; if he’s fictional, it’s the start of a thriller.

Your narration of events is pretty concise and fast moving. A lot happens in a page and a half or so. I think you handle it well - it’s very straight narration with few frills. (One ‘frill’ is a telling one - your short passage on the historic Venetian lighthouse; Venetian occupancy of Crete is now history, just as the Nazi adventure will soon be.).

I’m not sure the whole novel should be written in this way, and I don’t suppose it will be; there will be room for characterisation, for example, and dialogue. But I think your plain narration succeeds in this chapter. You may be criticised for having dialogue without punctuation and without taking a new line for a new speaker, but I think you’re right to do without these - it avoids slowing down the pace of events.

Corrections to your German! ‘Gott sei Dank’ and ‘Gott im Himmel’.

James.

scampmacmil at 22:26 on 06 October 2013  Report this post
James,
Thank you. I appreciate the corrections to my tiny knowledge of German.
Charon is a fictional character, I tell his tale in later chapters.
The invasion of Crete was the only large scale invasion by air in military history.
I have attempted to write a fictional thriller around the facts of that war, which I have researched, I think, carefully.
It was also the most powerful and united example of a civilian population resisting the German invaders than anywhere else apart from Russia. in WW"
I suspect that you may think my further chapters are are too terse tehrfore the concern about the length of my book ie too short at now 35.000 words
Thanks very much Ian





































































































Manusha at 21:38 on 07 October 2013  Report this post
Hi Ian,

Wow, that's a lot of white space after your reply! Did your return key get stuck? ;

Anyhows, I mean to say I've read your story and will post some comments tomorrow.

Regards, Andy

Manusha at 18:25 on 08 October 2013  Report this post
Hi Ian,

For a first chapter, you have some very good elements in the form of action and mystery right from the outset. In the very first para there is a big surprise and you also have an interesting setting. And guess what, I think I’ve discovered the solution concerning the brevity of your novel. Write more! Sometimes writers are accused of overwriting, but no one could accuse you of that. At the moment this reads more like the sketch of the scene rather than the finished version. I’m seeing that as a good thing because you can easily afford to fill out the scenes and develop the word count necessary for an adult length novel.

The Kommandant stood, relaxed at the edge of the ancient sandstone dock in Chania looking out over a black sea to the harbour mouth.

I wonder if you’re squeezing in a little too much for a first sentence. You have a great hook coming up in this para so I think that, like the Kommandant, you can afford to relax and spend a little more time to set the scene. Maybe something along the lines of: The Kommandant stood, relaxed at the edge of the ancient sandstone dock. He looked out over a black sea towards the harbour mouth. Around the edge of the harbour, the lights of the town of Chania reflected on the dark Mediterranean waves. Plus it would add a few extra words. ;

As he started to turn towards the sentries, clicking to attention at his Headquarters, the hiss from his cigar extinguishing was matched by another as the hunting arrow sped through the air to plunge deep into his chest.

The appearance of an arrow is unexpected in a wartime setting and is a great way of catching the reader’s attention. It adds an intriguing incongruity right from the beginning. Nicely done. I think this sentence needs a little more work though. To me, it reads that the hiss from the cigar is matched by a hiss from another cigar. Also, when using present participles it’s always worth checking to see if they have caused unintended meanings. Is it the Kommandant or the sentries who click to attention? The use of ‘extinguishing’ conveys that the cigar is still going out, but it would have gone out almost immediately on contact with the water and wouldn’t still be ‘extinguishing’ after he turned to his sentries, etc.

One knelt and gently turned the Kommandant onto his side then onto his back.

I’m thinking about the use of ‘gently’. Yes, it’s an adverb, and although it doesn't exactly fire up my world I think it's okay here. What I would like to ask though, is this the first word you thought of or did you give some consideration on its choice? Sometimes the first word that comes to mind is the best, but sometimes not. To me, ‘gently’ suggests a sense of affection, so perhaps something like ‘carefully’ is more appropriate for a medic. If you find yourself using adverbs have a think about whether that is the best option. It might be, but it could be approached differently with the use of verbs and nouns. They can add impact to even the most simple sentence and can often be more dynamic and make a bolder statement than relying on adverbs. An example: A medic knelt, and with a grimace of determination and a firm grip, he turned the Kommandant and laid him on his back. One last point: if he was lying on his front would that mean the arrow shaft has snapped?

Feldwebel Brandt

This is the only character mentioned by both first and surname. He doesn’t appear again in this chapter so I must assume he will in following chapters. He does, right?

He winced as he saw the fast-spreading stain of dark blood welling through the uniform

Hang on. I’ve been assuming that ‘He’ refers to the medic, but it’s just occurred to me that you might mean Feldwebel. If so I think you need to make that clearer.

Ambulance now! he shouted then reached forward.

I cannot see any good reason why you’ve decided to go against the conventions for writing dialogue here. If you wrote, he shouted for an ambulance, then fine, as that is indirectly reported dialogue. But this is directly reported dialogue. I don’t think having it in speech marks would slow the pace in any way. In fact I think it would draw the reader into the action of the scene and give it more impact. Also, this introduces inconsistency because in the second half of the chapter you use the accepted conventions for dialogue.

It took all of his strength to slowly withdraw the well-embedded arrow.

Is the medic doing this or Feldwebel?
A technical point; please bear with me on this! Apparently, an arrow wound has potentially more risks than a bullet wound. I don’t suppose a WWII medic would have much experience with arrow wounds, and whether he made the right choice in pulling out the arrow wouldn’t necessarily be salient to the story, but I think it does become salient when the more experienced Surgeon Commander congratulates the medics on their action. Pulling out an arrow would inevitably incur greater blood loss, as well as other possible complications (such as losing the arrow head in the wound), and it might be seen as a procedure that should wait until the causality was in hospital with greater medical resources to hand. I know it’s just a small detail, but attention to such details can add realism to a story.

Right Erich asked the waiting officers. Gentlemen you have done well. Your Kommandant has lost a great deal of blood and the wound was deep, etc.

I’m sorry, Ian, but this ‘dialogue’ really doesn’t work for me. It’s just confusing. To be very honest with you, if I was reading to judge whether this was a book I might want to read, at this point I’d put the book down and move on. I’d either be thinking, ‘Maybe this is really clever, but I don’t get it,’ or more likely, ‘This guy doesn’t know how to write.’ I beseech you, please don’t put your story at a disadvantage and simply write the dialogue in the usual way.
Also, ‘Right Erich will he make it?’ doesn’t sound much like the way a WWII German would speak. And did all the waiting officers ask the question at the same time? Perhaps you could attribute it to one particular officer.

a group of SS officers were carefully examining their only evidence

Just a thought, but perhaps you could use the full title of SchutzStaffel instead of SS. I remember a novel I read based in WWII Germany which used the full title and I thought it added interest and authenticity. It’s often written as Schutzstaffel, but I believe the spelling with two capital S’s is acceptable, and hopefully readers would make the connection, especially if there is mention of black uniforms (there is an issue as to whether they wore the infamous black uniforms in Crete, because they didn’t wear them everywhere after the start of the war, but I’m sure you’ve done the research).

The Gruppenfuhrer examined the writing then turned sharply at the gasp of alarm from his deputy who had been peering closely at the arrow’s metal head with a powerful magnifying glass.

This is a long sentence. Try reading it aloud to see what I mean. Perhaps you could add some punctuation or split it into two. Or even develop it into a few sentences. There are a few other places where I thought the sentences were rather long and perhaps you consider whether they could be split into two or more. Not that I’m saying there's anything wrong with long sentences. They can be really good for leading a reader from one point to another, then onto the next, but as a descriptive list of events they have the potential to become awkward.

‘Goddt im Himmel, a hole has been drilled in this and it looks as if a wax has been used to seal in some liquid until the shaft struck. Radio the hospital now. Tell the surgeon in charge our leader may have been poisoned!

This is a great twist of events. I think it could even deserve a little more build up. By build up, I mean adding a few more details of their examination – the feel of the shaft, the grain of the wood, etc – as they examine the arrow before they finally come to the shocking conclusion. Drawing the reader into small details can slow a scene down momentarily, like the slow motion in a film, before the story erupts into action again. Remember to add the closed speech mark at the end of this dialogue.

His campaign of vengeance had begun.

A first chapter needs to end on a page turner, and you’ve done that well by ending with an interesting hook.

A few last points:

I agree with James that it suits this chapter to be concise and fast moving, but I think the scenes could still be developed a little more without losing pace. You have an interesting setting that’s worth making the most of by adding a few more lines of description. By engaging the visualisation process of the reader you can draw them closer into the action.

I assume that following this chapter a central main character will emerge, whether it be Charon or an investigating officer trying to track him, or even someone else involved in the events. In order to elicit an emotional involvement from the reader there needs to be a central character they grow to care about.

Finally, and I believe this is essential for a strong story, I think you need to develop the character of the narrative voice. The narrator is like an another character whether he appears in the story or not. He is the storyteller in the way a director is the storyteller in a movie. In a film there are actors, a script, the settings, but the way the story is told is down to the director. In a novel, the narrator’s job is to describe events, characters and settings in an interesting way that remains sympathetic to the characters and storyline. In terms of narration, it might be helpful to think about what sort of character would be telling this story.

I think your story shows a lot of potential and I hope you develop it further. I look forward to reading more.

Regards, Andy


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