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Animation script: Memoirs of a Bar Steward SCRIPT

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 24 November 2013
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Related Works: Animation script: Memoirs of a Bar Steward cartoon • Cartoon script: The Barstewards draft 2 • Cartoon script: The Barstewards draft 3 • 

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The Bar Stward at 16:55 on 24 November 2013  Report this post
Advice please on whether the formatting of this script is correct, thank you.

Manusha at 14:02 on 26 November 2013  Report this post
Hi Scott,

I have to admit, to begin with I wondered what the heck this was all about! But once I'd looked through your other comments and your Facebook page it all clicked. Now that I appreciate the concept behind it I can definitely see this as the kind of bizarre comedy that runs along the lines of South Park or Family Guy (I used to have a serious addiction for Family Guy, in fact I'm still in rehab!). I think the characters look great and I'm sure that reading the script alone doesn't do it full justice, because a whole other level of comedy will be visual as well as the sound of the character's voices.

Story wise, I like the idea of them waking up in the aftermath and wondering what the heck happened (it reminds me of the film The Hangover, which I thought was hilarious). The fact that the CCTV footage doesn't reveal the whole picture is a great idea and I really like how Dad reveals the twist, with the so-called zombies turning out to be drunken Halloween revelers. And the postscript scene with the animals adds a good final moment of comedy.

Have you thought about having a female character? Maybe a long suffering girlfriend of one of the lads, or a barmaid. I think a female character is important for a wider appeal and adds balance to a group of male characters. She could be the sensible one who points out the problems with their daft ideas, but they go ahead and do it anyway. Her character could also add the element of the battle of the sexes, which is a classic theme in comedy.

As for the format, it did seem rather spaced out on the page which for me made it slightly harder to get into the flow of the action, but I haven't seen many scripts so can't say if this is what would be expected. There are a few minor typos, but as the final product is animation, I don't suppose that is the sort of problem it would be if the final product was the written word.

I really like this idea, and at the risk of developing a new addiction, I hope to get the chance to see it on our screens.

Regards, Andy

The Bar Stward at 14:12 on 26 November 2013  Report this post
Hello Andy

I'm glad you like it, I just started on the animatics (rough, limited animation to test the production before we start full animation) last night. It should be completed by the end of December

The Barstewards has a host of other characters, a gangster mother, a twisted sister, and Jacobs love interest Winky (she winks alot). In fact, if you look on our Facebook page, you can see them all designed on there. I really wanted to include them but none of those characters lent themselves to this particular episode and I didn't want to shoehorn them in. Barstewards first started out as a ebook (though that is more reality based) and the female characters are a big part of it.

This first short really is to introduce the lads, and with so much happening, there was no natural place for them to appear, but they are waiting in the wings if we ever get the show commissioned.

Catkin at 01:29 on 04 December 2013  Report this post
Hello Scott,

I'm afraid I have no idea if the formatting is right or not - I've never written a TV script. It's perfectly clear what is dialogue and what is action, though, which is the important thing.

Seems like a fully-formed concept with all the necessary elements in place. You have obviously put a lot of work into it. I'm sorry, but this is so far outside my range of experience that I don't have any useful suggestions or comments to add. I've never even seen South Park!

There are quite a few minor typos, and I think it would be a good idea to put a fine-toothed comb through it and correct them, just so your presentation looks ultra-professional in all respects.

Sorry I can't be more use.

The Bar Stward at 01:48 on 04 December 2013  Report this post
Thanks for reading. We're still tweaking the dialogue. Once its all concrete we'll go through and find those errors. Those aside, did you enjoy it?

Catkin at 10:55 on 04 December 2013  Report this post
did you enjoy it?

Um ... er ... well no, I can't say I actually enjoyed it, but I think that's because so, so much of this is going to be in the visual part. That's why I'm not a lot of use as a reader. It's much harder to imagine how an animation script is going to work in reality than it is to imagine how a live-action script will work.

What I did think was that it looks like a professional and complete thing, which is good and positive.

The Bar Stward at 11:07 on 04 December 2013  Report this post
Thats fair enough. You can see some of the preproduction artwork at https://www.facebook.com/TheBarStewards

Catkin at 12:48 on 05 December 2013  Report this post
Luckily, I can see that even without being a member of Facebook!

You're all very talented artists.

Wendy Mason at 15:24 on 17 December 2013  Report this post
I love the artwork, brilliant and I did start reading thinking 'what fun'. However I found the violence a bit too much for me. I'm more of a Simpsons than a South Park person, sorry.

I agree with the comment about typo's needing to be sorted, whats should be what's and noone should be no one etc.

When you started talking about zombies, zombies and then thought of the music needed I was away with the Cranberries, my favourite song ever.

Good luck with making this, I'm sure you will have great fun with it.

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