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by Keef 

Posted: 02 September 2014
Word Count: 279
Summary: Something oldish, just for the craic.

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“Listen sucker! You don’t intrude my personal time and space and not feel the pain!” He shouted as hate filled his voice, his gold shock with fear, making him look even more menacing.

“You waltz in here, I love to hate you punk, I love it sucker!” He turned his back, the muscle, the stature of this mean meat machine was evident, but he couldn’t walk away; he had to teach this one a real lesson in pain. He turned back to his enemy, the intruder; who was frozen still on the spot.

“It’s time sucker, I’m gonna love this, and you sucker, you’re gonna feel the pain.”  In one almighty swing, his fist slammed through his enemy sending him flying through the air and crashing into the wall, he hit the floor like a dropped sack of potatoes, broken in the middle.

“That’s what you get sucker, this is my space, that’s what intruders get sucker.” With out even batting an eye lid the man straightened his Mohawk up and sat back in the small flowery chair on the other side of the room, poured himself a glass of milk and went back to watching his favourite show, The A Team. 

After a few hours of back to back episodes the man heard a key in the door, he jumped towards his enemy to dispose of the body but it was too late. He’d been caught. The eyes of the woman standing before him filled with hate, how could he explain; he stared at her blankly.  Slowly she spoke.

“Norman, that vacuum cleaner was the only thing my mother left me, all I wanted was a clean lounge.”

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Comments by other Members

TassieDevil at 17:44 on 04 September 2014  Report this post

A short sharp piece with an unexpected twist ( even though I should have picked up on the A-team overused word).One thing -the gold shook instead of shock.

He certainly didn't seem like a Norman initially so that was an appropriate name. At the end, exaggerating his mundane nature. The alliteration mean meat machine worked well.

My only minor suggestions would be to make the destruction of his enemy occur immediately before he's found out - not hours later and also change his wife ( at least that was my inference) to his mother making him even less independent as a real person.

i always admire super short stories like this. A fun read.


Annecdotist at 15:09 on 06 September 2014  Report this post
I love the zaniness of this and it really made me smile. However, it was confusing initially as I thought there were two people speaking – I guess that might be what you want but perhaps you could achieve the same effect by having his enemy stay silent?
 I think the first bit of speech would work better if you were to cut the sentence that follows it: "He shouted as hate filled his voice, his gold shock with fear, making him look even more menacing."
 I don't think it adds anything as the spoken words clearly shows the emotion. However, if you do decide to leave it,  I'll just say that I didn't understand "his gold shock" or even if it were changed as Alan suggests "his gold shook" – his gold what, I'm asking.
 Another difficulty is that I can't quite imagine the mechanics of his defeating the vacuum cleaner with his fist: was it the dust bag punctured or what?
 The flowery chair (although technically you might need to say that it's covered with flowery fabric) and glass of milk were really nice touches to show his character.
 I don't think you need to say "the man";  "he" will do as you've used throughout.
 I agree with Alan about a shorter interval and perhaps making the woman his mother. But I have another problem there, would she really be so emotionally invested in a vacuum cleaner? I could see her being annoyed about the mess but inheriting the vacuum cleaner from her mother is a bit too zany for my liking – wouldn't she prefer a new one?

TassieDevil at 21:45 on 06 September 2014  Report this post
I forgot to add that I enjoyed the pun - BJ's reference to sucker and his antagonist being a vacuum cleaner. A nice, subtle touch.

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