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The Trolley Game

by MasterRevelation 

Posted: 27 January 2004
Word Count: 553
Summary: BBC Eastern Counties Radio's Night Shift programme with Sue Marchant had a story about a new supermarket trolley that guides you round by satellite. This ode was the result of that story. It won "Best Laugh" award in an open competition organised by BBC, County Library Services and Wickstead Park


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My wife said, "It's time you went shopping
Our food store is getting quite low.
And since I am busy this morning,
And you're doing nowt, you can go!"

She wrote me a list of essentials
Just as they occurred to her mind –
So I would be sure to remember
Those items that I had to find.

But when I arrived at the car park
It seemed like a circus parade!
With clowns and a band who were wearing
Smart uniforms covered in braid!

The reason for all this excitement
I found, as I walked to the door,
Was the launch of their "Satellite Trolley"
Which guides shoppers all round the store.

"All you have to do" said the lady,
"Is tell it the items you need
And then it will take you to find them
You'll find that it's simple indeed".

So I told it the things that I wanted
The cauliflower, carrots and greens
Eggs, sausages, pasta and Marmite;
Then tins of tomatoes and beans.

When all of my items were entered
The panel lights started to glow
And after a moment of buzzing
The screen displayed "All systems go!"

The trolley set off like a rocket
With me clinging on at the back
Just like a Frank Spencer disaster
Or a scud missile on the attack!

We just missed an elderly lady
(Who had to sit down with the shock!)
As it sped down the aisles, I noticed
It showed "45" on the clock!

The trolley was simply demented
It developed a mind of its own
And I shut my eyes and lamented
This trip to the shop on my own!

Like a dervish it danced down the aisles
As the satellite up in the sky
Continued to signal and guide it
To those things I wanted to buy.

Alas, when it found what I needed,
There was no way of making it stop
And the trolley just swept on regardless
On it's journey, at speed, round the shop.

This madness looked set to continue
As customers dived out the way
And I, though not very religious,
Now found myself starting to pray!

The security staff started to panic
And tried to get hold of my shirt
But the trolley evaded their clutches.
And the tannoy gave out "Red Alert"

The police were called out from their station;
They arrived with their lights flashing blue.
The SAS dropped from a chopper
(It was secret, so nobody knew!)

There were smoke bombs and tear gas aplenty
That rose up in the air like a cloud.
My eardrums were hurting and bursting
The noise was so terribly loud!

At last, in a trice it was over
The Trolley lay silent and dead;
While I was thrown up in a whirlwind
Ending up with my face in the bread!

The company were quite nice about it
They said I should get a reward
So they gave double points as a bonus
(The most, they said, they could afford)

But as I picked up all my shopping
To pay for it, round at the till
I have to say that I was shaking
And feeling decidedly ill!

So though the technology's marv'lous,
(Controlled by a satellite brain)
I must tell you that, having once tried it,
I will not dare use it again!






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Comments by other Members



Account Closed at 15:07 on 27 January 2004  Report this post
Very funny and a wonderful concept! Thanks for posting this one on such a gloomy day. Did me good.
Elspeth

MasterRevelation at 15:20 on 27 January 2004  Report this post
you are most welcome - I wanted to post a few but there is a one every two days limit!

anisoara at 16:06 on 27 January 2004  Report this post
I really enjoyed it too. When my b-friend comes home this evening, will have him come take a look at it, too!!!

Anne Marie

JohnK at 23:24 on 27 January 2004  Report this post
Hi Peter -
That is great! Humorous and clever.
You may be on to something, too,
because it takes an expert to
find the last few items on
the shopping list.

Keep it up - especially the way it
nearly all scans, and all rhymes.
(I think 'The most, they said...'
doesn't scan, but who cares?)

All the best, JohnK.

MasterRevelation at 02:12 on 28 January 2004  Report this post
funny thing about scanning - I can always make it scan when I perform it - but when I read it in my head I can see the flaws.

But since I write in one hit -- with rarely any revision - what comes out, stays out!



Mickey at 13:33 on 12 March 2004  Report this post
Hello Peter,

I really liked this as it's in exactly the same dopey vein as my stuff (no offence meant if you take all this seriously!) I was interested to learn that you write in one hit because so do I - the thought of 'working' on a poem is alien to me ... it usually just presents itself fully fledged in my mind. Perhaps it's because you are only two days my senior? I'm off to read more.

MIKE

<Added>

Ooops! I just read your profile again and see you take on commissions to write comic verse so, presumably you do take this seriously - sorry for the 'dopey' reference (it's how I describe my 'poetry')

MIKE

MasterRevelation at 15:57 on 12 March 2004  Report this post
The epithet, "dopey", is really
Exactly the one I would use.
So do not feel I am offended;
I really am hard to abuse!

We old farts who turn out the drivvel
Should offer each other support
And not let the serious poets
Allow us to be taken short.




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