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Unrequited Love for an Orthodontist
Posted: 30 April 2015
Word Count: 79
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She showed me things I’d never seen
like ‘life’ and ‘love’ and Listerine
The life we shared she took away
(although I’ve no more tooth decay)
The love I gave she threw right back
(but now I’m clear of dental plaque)
I’ll try to overcome my loss
(and now will always dental floss)
The life and love I’ll always treasure
now my breath is so much fresher
Cos what I thank her for the most is
Curing me halitosis
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 19:52 on 01 May 2015
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Hi Mike – Well, I’m not so sold on this one. The idea’s good but this presumably attractive orthodontist has no real presence. You don’t describe her. You (or the poem’s narrator) has a crush on her and we need to know why. We need a starry-eyed description of her looks. This would be in alternate lines, every other line being something dental.
There’s something (dare I say) quite intimate about being treated by an orthodontist, or optician maybe. (A podiatrist is some distance away.) So the patient can’t help observing, and might be very taken with what he sees. So he might want to paint a word-portrait – beginning perhaps:
She had auburn hair with a gorgeous sheen
She recommended Listerine
You could do lines about her eyes, her lips, her skin, her voice, the way she moved. And in between, stuff about decay, plaque, floss etc. The whole poem would amusingly say: She was doing a very professional job, I got a crush on her, I was a bit of an idiot.
Maybe your second stanza could stay as it is if you were to do a different first stanza (maybe a longer one). This could be more than a ‘silly poem’ (your own words), it could be a very good piece of humorous verse.
James.
Spelling - 'unrequited' not 'unrequieted'!
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 V`yonne at 16:45 on 12 May 2015
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Cos what I thank her for the most is
Curing me of halitosis
This made me smile (shows all her teef) but I think the ending doesn't really take it anywhere it hasn't already been. That could have been further up the poem. Maybe there's more write -- or maybe less. It depends how far you can take the joke without ruining it.
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Mickey 
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