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The Penrhos Branch Line

by nickb 

Posted: 27 October 2015
Word Count: 215
Summary: Revision 1 - does this make more sense?


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The cold facts are these:
It was built for coal, for iron,
from Tynycaeau Junction, North East
through Rhydlafer to the Garth Mountain,
for the dolomite quarry,
through Pentyrch Cutting and
Walnut Tree Tunnel,
jutting high brick viaduct
across the Taff to Penrhos,
for ships at Barry Dock,
for coal, for steam, for iron,
for smoke, for ash,
for money.
 
It is a stretch of muscle,
navvy strength in broken boots,
for shelter, for heat, for food,
effort in spades, slab sided
and cold cast, rivet and rail,
ballast and sleeper,
for piston, for steel, for shovel,
for the clatter of metal
and the steam whistle’s wail.
 
But now nettles blow
in this beautiful decay,
buttressed by a ragbag of brambles.
It is home for Ash, for Hazel,
for silence that puddles
in the trees’ shade each day.
In this short pause in eternity
we walk the exposed belly,
follow its grain to the end,
and back again, to the tunnel mouth
muzzled with moss.
The ballast is tombed in leaves,
a womb for woodlice, for ground beetles,
for Rosebay Willowherb, for Ragwort.
There is no history here.
We see only to the bend clotted with weeds,
but hear fat insects drone, thick as resin,
and the sudden rattle of a woodpecker
hollowing a nest.
 






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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 15:25 on 28 October 2015  Report this post
Hi Nick – You’ve done it. This is good stuff. Now the ‘for...’ pattern works very well, and the third stanza eloquently conveys what the place is now ‘for’. I especially like the specific names of wild creatures and plants - Rosebay Willowherb and Ragwort – which parallel and contrast with the specifics of the railway in Stanza 2 – rivet, ballast, piston.
 
The line
 
There is no history here
 
has more than one strength. It stands out as a plain statement in a stanza full of figurative language. Where it’s placed,it gives the impression of being a sudden insight that has occurred to the poem’s speaker in the middle of contemplating all that luxuriant growth. And it invites readers to complete its meaning: the remains of the past are covered up; man makes history and this is timeless nature, etc.
 
As I say, the whole thing is eloquent. The subject matter of Romantic nature poetry, in a modern voice. There’s one change I think is still necessary, and one maybe optional.
 
But now nettles blow
in this beautiful decay,
sapling growth and brambles slow our way.
 
‘Slow our way’ reads like a forced rhyme. Or put it another way, just at this point the poem briefly becomes a bit of a jingle. Your rhymes elsewhere in the poem are dispersed, there’s a light touch of rhyme which is just right. This is heavy. I’d suggest
 
saplings and brambles surge.
 
You still have the rhyme decay/ day, which would be picked up by readers but isn’t too blatant. I came up with one other alternative for that line – ‘brambles rush to close the path’ – but prefer the simpler one.
 
The optional change would be to replace ‘beetles’ with a more specific insect. ‘Beetles’ is quite general, so if you could find a particular (common) species, it would go with the named plants.
 
One of the best revisions I’ve seen in WW. If you can do this final editing by the end of the week, the poem will be up for selection for TLW. Oonah will contact you.
 
James.

nickb at 16:38 on 28 October 2015  Report this post
Hi James, I was wondering about the rhymes in the third stanza, I put them in to try and emphasis the shift in mood of the piece.  However, I take your point, it is a little forced, so I've changed that line.

Very difficult pinning down a particular beetle, there are thousands of them!  We get lots of Dor beetles here but they tend to be where animals graze, so I've gone "ground beetles" which seems to be some sort of classification at least.

Nick

James Graham at 21:24 on 28 October 2015  Report this post
The 'shift in mood of the piece' comes across clearly anyway. And 'ground beetles' will do very well! 


James.

V`yonne at 11:44 on 29 October 2015  Report this post
I would cut back on for a bit

for ships at Barry Dock,
for coal, steam, iron,
for smoke and ash,
for money.

It is like industrial hammer blows but you don't need so many to crack the nut. I think.

The plosives here help with that job but soften too

But now nettles blow
in this beautiful decay,
buttressed by a ragbag of brambles.

Just a thought here:

It is home for Ash
for Hazel,
for silence
that puddles beneath
the shade of trees.

I adore

In this short pause in eternity
we walk the exposed belly,
follow its grain to the end,
and back again, to the tunnel mouth
muzzled with moss.

By all means sub to TLWs


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