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How to go for a walk in the country

by bulldog 

Posted: 23 April 2003
Word Count: 5168


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Steve Hanson
In the 1920s Anthony Armstrong wrote a series of articles simply entitled... How To....... I would like to carry on in contemporary fashion and with due respect to A. Armstrong.
How to go for a walk in the country.
As one experienced in this most delightful and rewarding of pastimes, I would like to share a few simple guidelines to assist those that may be considering taking up this invigorating hobby.
First and foremost it is always more fun to walk with a friend, this enables one to blame someone else for getting lost, chased by bulls, sudden downpours(in the event of not taking waterproofs),or near tropical sunshine in the event of getting kitted out for inclement weather. A companion will always prove helpful in the event of actually getting caught by belligerent bovines as he will be able to distract said bull, call for help, farmers, ambulances etc. Walking in pairs also increases the amount of extra and needless equipment to carry, you will always find that two compasses, maps, vacuum flasks, first aid equipment, cheese and onion sandwiches and water bottles are much more cumbersome than just one set of said items.
The first thing one must decide on is “Where are we going to go” ? This is best achieved by buying an Ordnance Survey map, picking out a favourable landmark at the midway point and deciding on a suitable path there and back. At this early planning stage it is worth pointing out that the map will bear little or no relevance to the actual geography on the ground. After you have both disagreed on each others proposed routes and silently wished that the bull gets your companion first, argued about what time to set off, how far it is, and how long it will take, you will be ready for the next stage.
It is most important that one has the correct kit, gear, accoutrements to undertake a walk in the country, The following list is a basic guide and can be added to or ignored completely. Due to some immutable, inalterable law, you must have a pair of walking boots, these will be recommended to you by more experienced walkers, they will be too big (to allow for the heavy woolen socks that are recommended ditto), the soles will have the pliability of a lump of iron, they must rub your ankles and have a profusion of eyelets, buckles and straps for lacing them up. Experienced walkers will assure you that they will be fine when they are “ broken in” which is a meaningless statement. Next you need something to carry all your gear in, these are normally called rucksacks or backpacks or Bergens, it doesn’t really matter at this stage what you call them, the vital thing to remember is to get one with as many compartments, zips, attachments, velcro fastenings, and unexplained bits of nylon drawcord as possible. Do not worry at this stage which order to pack your kit in, whatever you are looking for will always be in the last compartment you look in. Waterproofs are a good idea, unfortunately everything that is priced less than £350. is only showerproof. , so you may as well get wet and invest the the money in a pub lunch. .
Do not be deterred at this stage if you do not look like other walkers you are likely to meet, the longer one has been a walker the more Christmas presents one is likely to have received, ie. Plastic map cases, high visibility vests, satellite navigation systems (which only tell you precisely how lost you are ), gaiters , gas stoves, woolly hats, pocket hand warmers, water purification tablets, etc which will be lovingly gifted from relatives to anyone who admits to enjoying walking; presumably because the outdoor shops don’t sell after shave or bath salts.
It is advisable to pack your backpack the night before and use a checklist of everything you are taking with you. The procedure is simple, it must resemble the captain of a jumbo jet doing his pre - flight checks: O.k. have I got compass, check. map, check, first aid kit, check, spare clothes, check, food (you will generally take enough food to feed you for a week) check, vacuum flask and brew kit, check, mobile telephone (in case you are in a part of the countryside that actually receives a signal) check, water bottle, check, emergency survival kit (normally a box of matches to use to light a fire when you are near exhaustion from rubbing two sticks together ), check, mess tins and knife fork spoon, gas stove and spare canister, check, tent, check, sleeping bag, check, thermal blanket, check, Knife outdoor variety, ( these can come in all shapes and sizes), check, S.A.S./ Ray Mears survival book, check and any personal items you might need like lavatory paper, soap, towels etc. etc .
By the time you have laid out your kit you will soon realise two things, 1, to get it all into your backpack ,it will have to have the internal dimensions of a barn, 2, actually picking the backpack off the ground may well be beyond the physical limits of the Strongest Man contestants. You will get plenty practice packing and unpacking, as mentioned before whatever you want will always be in the last place you look or at the very bottom of the pack, as you placed said item there as you thought that it would not be needed.


It is always recommended to eat a hearty breakfast before you set off, this serves a number of purposes; 1, it ensures at least one good meal that day, 2, it hastens the time when one will be “caught short” and in need of a public convenience, of which there won’t be any owing to being in the countryside at the time 3, it gives more time for the sandwiches that you have taken with you to become stale and the chocolate biscuits to melt.
You will now be ready for the big adventure itself. For your first few walks it is recommended that you walk from home. Driving the car into the country and planning a circular route from there is ambitious and you hardly ever make it back to the layby with a dry-stone wall on one side and an open field on the other that you thought you left the car at. Departing from home gives the neighbours plenty of opportunity to ask meaningful questions of you as you hobble past in your new walking boots, practically bent double under three hundredweight of “essentials” in your backpack.
A route should have been agreed with your walking companion and you proceed in the general direction. Vanity prevents any consultation with a map at this point. Upon reaching the open countryside it is best to orientate oneself between map and where you are on the ground, this is easily accomplished. For those not experienced in map reading the easiest way is to look for a prominent feature, find it on your map, use your compass to set a bearing and off you go, normally the prominent feature is nowhere near where you wish to go and generally a lot of hasty route reappraisal is conducted at this stage. Your compass will tell you where north or south is (the way the needle points) you must decide which is which and work out the difference between magnetic and grid north, set your compass by degrees to your destination and proceed. I f this sounds technical, it is a known fact that the second you get a map and a compass out of the labyrinthine confines of your backpack, some experienced walker will come along and help misdirect you completely.
The limitless joys of walking now begin, the joys of unspoilt countryside, at one with nature and the fresh air will all help to instill a sense of contentment and well being that should last right up to the moment that you find what is clearly a broken green dotted line upon your map (public paths for the uninitiated) does in fact resemble the Honduran jungle or better still resembles nothing at all. Usually when this happens the alternatives one is left with will always involve navigation of a barbed wire enclosed field with a lot of large cattle like beasts within, some with horns (these will be most interested in your presence) I f you have the courage to proceed, well done, normally a six mile detour round the perimeter of the fence suffices. Farmers do not actively discourage walkers WHERE THERE IS A RIGHT OF WAY,(HINT), instead they put up helpful notices like BEWARE OF BULLS or COWS WITH CALVES ARE DANGEROUS, it goes without saying that there will always be bulls or cows with calves in the field that you intend to cross. Under no circumstances cross farmland where there is no public right of way. Farmers and gamekeepers appear like magic and treat you as though you were leading a horde of rampaging Vikings. Another example of the generosity of human kindness will be found when a public footpath impinges upon someones property, my advice is to tolerate the ponderous sarcasm and derision that will normally be heaped upon you should an encounter take place and occupy yourself with thoughts of revenge for the next couple of miles, your companions bitterness and rancour will surprise you.

Let us suppose that you have chosen a pub as the midway point for your walk. You will generally find a few of your neighbours whom you last saw as you set off four hours since, finishing the last of the pub-grub. Always refuse the offer of a lift home as this is not in the spirit of walkers. Retire to the pub car park / beer garden with a glass of lemonade and eat your cheese sandwiches and melted chocolate biscuits. By the time the last of your neighbours have driven out of the car park, it will be raining. Don your showerproofs and continue. The rest will have stiffened all your leg muscles and the backpack will feel even heavier than it did when you set off. But at least there is the knowledge that you are on the homeward stretch of your journey.








Steve Hanson
In the 1920s Anthony Armstrong wrote a series of articles simply entitled... How To....... I would like to carry on in contemporary fashion and with due respect to A. Armstrong.
How to go for a walk in the country.
As one experienced in this most delightful and rewarding of pastimes, I would like to share a few simple guidelines to assist those that may be considering taking up this invigorating hobby.
First and foremost it is always more fun to walk with a friend, this enables one to blame someone else for getting lost, chased by bulls, sudden downpours(in the event of not taking waterproofs),or near tropical sunshine in the event of getting kitted out for inclement weather. A companion will always prove helpful in the event of actually getting caught by belligerent bovines as he will be able to distract said bull, call for help, farmers, ambulances etc. Walking in pairs also increases the amount of extra and needless equipment to carry, you will always find that two compasses, maps, vacuum flasks, first aid equipment, cheese and onion sandwiches and water bottles are much more cumbersome than just one set of said items.
The first thing one must decide on is “Where are we going to go” ? This is best achieved by buying an Ordnance Survey map, picking out a favourable landmark at the midway point and deciding on a suitable path there and back. At this early planning stage it is worth pointing out that the map will bear little or no relevance to the actual geography on the ground. After you have both disagreed on each others proposed routes and silently wished that the bull gets your companion first, argued about what time to set off, how far it is, and how long it will take, you will be ready for the next stage.
It is most important that one has the correct kit, gear, accoutrements to undertake a walk in the country, The following list is a basic guide and can be added to or ignored completely. Due to some immutable, inalterable law, you must have a pair of walking boots, these will be recommended to you by more experienced walkers, they will be too big (to allow for the heavy woolen socks that are recommended ditto), the soles will have the pliability of a lump of iron, they must rub your ankles and have a profusion of eyelets, buckles and straps for lacing them up. Experienced walkers will assure you that they will be fine when they are “ broken in” which is a meaningless statement. Next you need something to carry all your gear in, these are normally called rucksacks or backpacks or Bergens, it doesn’t really matter at this stage what you call them, the vital thing to remember is to get one with as many compartments, zips, attachments, velcro fastenings, and unexplained bits of nylon drawcord as possible. Do not worry at this stage which order to pack your kit in, whatever you are looking for will always be in the last compartment you look in. Waterproofs are a good idea, unfortunately everything that is priced less than £350. is only showerproof. , so you may as well get wet and invest the the money in a pub lunch. .
Do not be deterred at this stage if you do not look like other walkers you are likely to meet, the longer one has been a walker the more Christmas presents one is likely to have received, ie. Plastic map cases, high visibility vests, satellite navigation systems (which only tell you precisely how lost you are ), gaiters , gas stoves, woolly hats, pocket hand warmers, water purification tablets, etc which will be lovingly gifted from relatives to anyone who admits to enjoying walking; presumably because the outdoor shops don’t sell after shave or bath salts.
It is advisable to pack your backpack the night before and use a checklist of everything you are taking with you. The procedure is simple, it must resemble the captain of a jumbo jet doing his pre - flight checks: O.k. have I got compass, check. map, check, first aid kit, check, spare clothes, check, food (you will generally take enough food to feed you for a week) check, vacuum flask and brew kit, check, mobile telephone (in case you are in a part of the countryside that actually receives a signal) check, water bottle, check, emergency survival kit (normally a box of matches to use to light a fire when you are near exhaustion from rubbing two sticks together ), check, mess tins and knife fork spoon, gas stove and spare canister, check, tent, check, sleeping bag, check, thermal blanket, check, Knife outdoor variety, ( these can come in all shapes and sizes), check, S.A.S./ Ray Mears survival book, check and any personal items you might need like lavatory paper, soap, towels etc. etc .
By the time you have laid out your kit you will soon realise two things, 1, to get it all into your backpack ,it will have to have the internal dimensions of a barn, 2, actually picking the backpack off the ground may well be beyond the physical limits of the Strongest Man contestants. You will get plenty practice packing and unpacking, as mentioned before whatever you want will always be in the last place you look or at the very bottom of the pack, as you placed said item there as you thought that it would not be needed.


It is always recommended to eat a hearty breakfast before you set off, this serves a number of purposes; 1, it ensures at least one good meal that day, 2, it hastens the time when one will be “caught short” and in need of a public convenience, of which there won’t be any owing to being in the countryside at the time 3, it gives more time for the sandwiches that you have taken with you to become stale and the chocolate biscuits to melt.
You will now be ready for the big adventure itself. For your first few walks it is recommended that you walk from home. Driving the car into the country and planning a circular route from there is ambitious and you hardly ever make it back to the layby with a dry-stone wall on one side and an open field on the other that you thought you left the car at. Departing from home gives the neighbours plenty of opportunity to ask meaningful questions of you as you hobble past in your new walking boots, practically bent double under three hundredweight of “essentials” in your backpack.
A route should have been agreed with your walking companion and you proceed in the general direction. Vanity prevents any consultation with a map at this point. Upon reaching the open countryside it is best to orientate oneself between map and where you are on the ground, this is easily accomplished. For those not experienced in map reading the easiest way is to look for a prominent feature, find it on your map, use your compass to set a bearing and off you go, normally the prominent feature is nowhere near where you wish to go and generally a lot of hasty route reappraisal is conducted at this stage. Your compass will tell you where north or south is (the way the needle points) you must decide which is which and work out the difference between magnetic and grid north, set your compass by degrees to your destination and proceed. I f this sounds technical, it is a known fact that the second you get a map and a compass out of the labyrinthine confines of your backpack, some experienced walker will come along and help misdirect you completely.
The limitless joys of walking now begin, the joys of unspoilt countryside, at one with nature and the fresh air will all help to instill a sense of contentment and well being that should last right up to the moment that you find what is clearly a broken green dotted line upon your map (public paths for the uninitiated) does in fact resemble the Honduran jungle or better still resembles nothing at all. Usually when this happens the alternatives one is left with will always involve navigation of a barbed wire enclosed field with a lot of large cattle like beasts within, some with horns (these will be most interested in your presence) I f you have the courage to proceed, well done, normally a six mile detour round the perimeter of the fence suffices. Farmers do not actively discourage walkers WHERE THERE IS A RIGHT OF WAY,(HINT), instead they put up helpful notices like BEWARE OF BULLS or COWS WITH CALVES ARE DANGEROUS, it goes without saying that there will always be bulls or cows with calves in the field that you intend to cross. Under no circumstances cross farmland where there is no public right of way. Farmers and gamekeepers appear like magic and treat you as though you were leading a horde of rampaging Vikings. Another example of the generosity of human kindness will be found when a public footpath impinges upon someones property, my advice is to tolerate the ponderous sarcasm and derision that will normally be heaped upon you should an encounter take place and occupy yourself with thoughts of revenge for the next couple of miles, your companions bitterness and rancour will surprise you.

Let us suppose that you have chosen a pub as the midway point for your walk. You will generally find a few of your neighbours whom you last saw as you set off four hours since, finishing the last of the pub-grub. Always refuse the offer of a lift home as this is not in the spirit of walkers. Retire to the pub car park / beer garden with a glass of lemonade and eat your cheese sandwiches and melted chocolate biscuits. By the time the last of your neighbours have driven out of the car park, it will be raining. Don your showerproofs and continue. The rest will have stiffened all your leg muscles and the backpack will feel even heavier than it did when you set off. But at least there is the knowledge that you are on the homeward stretch of your journey.








Steve Hanson
In the 1920s Anthony Armstrong wrote a series of articles simply entitled... How To....... I would like to carry on in contemporary fashion and with due respect to A. Armstrong.
How to go for a walk in the country.
As one experienced in this most delightful and rewarding of pastimes, I would like to share a few simple guidelines to assist those that may be considering taking up this invigorating hobby.
First and foremost it is always more fun to walk with a friend, this enables one to blame someone else for getting lost, chased by bulls, sudden downpours(in the event of not taking waterproofs),or near tropical sunshine in the event of getting kitted out for inclement weather. A companion will always prove helpful in the event of actually getting caught by belligerent bovines as he will be able to distract said bull, call for help, farmers, ambulances etc. Walking in pairs also increases the amount of extra and needless equipment to carry, you will always find that two compasses, maps, vacuum flasks, first aid equipment, cheese and onion sandwiches and water bottles are much more cumbersome than just one set of said items.
The first thing one must decide on is “Where are we going to go” ? This is best achieved by buying an Ordnance Survey map, picking out a favourable landmark at the midway point and deciding on a suitable path there and back. At this early planning stage it is worth pointing out that the map will bear little or no relevance to the actual geography on the ground. After you have both disagreed on each others proposed routes and silently wished that the bull gets your companion first, argued about what time to set off, how far it is, and how long it will take, you will be ready for the next stage.
It is most important that one has the correct kit, gear, accoutrements to undertake a walk in the country, The following list is a basic guide and can be added to or ignored completely. Due to some immutable, inalterable law, you must have a pair of walking boots, these will be recommended to you by more experienced walkers, they will be too big (to allow for the heavy woolen socks that are recommended ditto), the soles will have the pliability of a lump of iron, they must rub your ankles and have a profusion of eyelets, buckles and straps for lacing them up. Experienced walkers will assure you that they will be fine when they are “ broken in” which is a meaningless statement. Next you need something to carry all your gear in, these are normally called rucksacks or backpacks or Bergens, it doesn’t really matter at this stage what you call them, the vital thing to remember is to get one with as many compartments, zips, attachments, velcro fastenings, and unexplained bits of nylon drawcord as possible. Do not worry at this stage which order to pack your kit in, whatever you are looking for will always be in the last compartment you look in. Waterproofs are a good idea, unfortunately everything that is priced less than £350. is only showerproof. , so you may as well get wet and invest the the money in a pub lunch. .
Do not be deterred at this stage if you do not look like other walkers you are likely to meet, the longer one has been a walker the more Christmas presents one is likely to have received, ie. Plastic map cases, high visibility vests, satellite navigation systems (which only tell you precisely how lost you are ), gaiters , gas stoves, woolly hats, pocket hand warmers, water purification tablets, etc which will be lovingly gifted from relatives to anyone who admits to enjoying walking; presumably because the outdoor shops don’t sell after shave or bath salts.
It is advisable to pack your backpack the night before and use a checklist of everything you are taking with you. The procedure is simple, it must resemble the captain of a jumbo jet doing his pre - flight checks: O.k. have I got compass, check. map, check, first aid kit, check, spare clothes, check, food (you will generally take enough food to feed you for a week) check, vacuum flask and brew kit, check, mobile telephone (in case you are in a part of the countryside that actually receives a signal) check, water bottle, check, emergency survival kit (normally a box of matches to use to light a fire when you are near exhaustion from rubbing two sticks together ), check, mess tins and knife fork spoon, gas stove and spare canister, check, tent, check, sleeping bag, check, thermal blanket, check, Knife outdoor variety, ( these can come in all shapes and sizes), check, S.A.S./ Ray Mears survival book, check and any personal items you might need like lavatory paper, soap, towels etc. etc .
By the time you have laid out your kit you will soon realise two things, 1, to get it all into your backpack ,it will have to have the internal dimensions of a barn, 2, actually picking the backpack off the ground may well be beyond the physical limits of the Strongest Man contestants. You will get plenty practice packing and unpacking, as mentioned before whatever you want will always be in the last place you look or at the very bottom of the pack, as you placed said item there as you thought that it would not be needed.


It is always recommended to eat a hearty breakfast before you set off, this serves a number of purposes; 1, it ensures at least one good meal that day, 2, it hastens the time when one will be “caught short” and in need of a public convenience, of which there won’t be any owing to being in the countryside at the time 3, it gives more time for the sandwiches that you have taken with you to become stale and the chocolate biscuits to melt.
You will now be ready for the big adventure itself. For your first few walks it is recommended that you walk from home. Driving the car into the country and planning a circular route from there is ambitious and you hardly ever make it back to the layby with a dry-stone wall on one side and an open field on the other that you thought you left the car at. Departing from home gives the neighbours plenty of opportunity to ask meaningful questions of you as you hobble past in your new walking boots, practically bent double under three hundredweight of “essentials” in your backpack.
A route should have been agreed with your walking companion and you proceed in the general direction. Vanity prevents any consultation with a map at this point. Upon reaching the open countryside it is best to orientate oneself between map and where you are on the ground, this is easily accomplished. For those not experienced in map reading the easiest way is to look for a prominent feature, find it on your map, use your compass to set a bearing and off you go, normally the prominent feature is nowhere near where you wish to go and generally a lot of hasty route reappraisal is conducted at this stage. Your compass will tell you where north or south is (the way the needle points) you must decide which is which and work out the difference between magnetic and grid north, set your compass by degrees to your destination and proceed. I f this sounds technical, it is a known fact that the second you get a map and a compass out of the labyrinthine confines of your backpack, some experienced walker will come along and help misdirect you completely.
The limitless joys of walking now begin, the joys of unspoilt countryside, at one with nature and the fresh air will all help to instill a sense of contentment and well being that should last right up to the moment that you find what is clearly a broken green dotted line upon your map (public paths for the uninitiated) does in fact resemble the Honduran jungle or better still resembles nothing at all. Usually when this happens the alternatives one is left with will always involve navigation of a barbed wire enclosed field with a lot of large cattle like beasts within, some with horns (these will be most interested in your presence) I f you have the courage to proceed, well done, normally a six mile detour round the perimeter of the fence suffices. Farmers do not actively discourage walkers WHERE THERE IS A RIGHT OF WAY,(HINT), instead they put up helpful notices like BEWARE OF BULLS or COWS WITH CALVES ARE DANGEROUS, it goes without saying that there will always be bulls or cows with calves in the field that you intend to cross. Under no circumstances cross farmland where there is no public right of way. Farmers and gamekeepers appear like magic and treat you as though you were leading a horde of rampaging Vikings. Another example of the generosity of human kindness will be found when a public footpath impinges upon someones property, my advice is to tolerate the ponderous sarcasm and derision that will normally be heaped upon you should an encounter take place and occupy yourself with thoughts of revenge for the next couple of miles, your companions bitterness and rancour will surprise you.

Let us suppose that you have chosen a pub as the midway point for your walk. You will generally find a few of your neighbours whom you last saw as you set off four hours since, finishing the last of the pub-grub. Always refuse the offer of a lift home as this is not in the spirit of walkers. Retire to the pub car park / beer garden with a glass of lemonade and eat your cheese sandwiches and melted chocolate biscuits. By the time the last of your neighbours have driven out of the car park, it will be raining. Don your showerproofs and continue. The rest will have stiffened your leg muscles and the backpack will feel twice as heavy as when you set off, but at least you have the comforting thought that you are on the homeward leg of your journey.














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Comments by other Members



Becca at 06:25 on 24 April 2003  Report this post
Bulldog,
Somehow this piece got in three times making it oddly surreal. It sounds like the voice of bitter experience. I liked the reference to the inevitable bull, bulls have always been there to greet walkers since time began. Is there more, or is it a one off?
Becca.

roger at 07:51 on 24 April 2003  Report this post

Been there, done that,and can assure others that everything Bullgog says is true. I would srongly urge anyone considering adopting this 'hobby'(pastime for the mentally deranged?)to collect car registration numbers instead.

Very good. Very funny. Very real.

giles at 12:23 on 29 April 2003  Report this post
Bulldog,
As I read this I thought of a book my wife and I had been given as a wedding present. It's called "Memoirs of Frank Patterson", who years ago produced wonderful pen and ink drawings for Bill Oakley, who wrote for the magazine "Cycling." So as I was reading this all these images came to mind, many of them recalling those times growing up when we used to take long walks after lunch on Sundays. Keep going with it!
Giles


Jibunnessa at 16:42 on 05 May 2003  Report this post
Hi Steve,

From what I read of your piece, it's quite gently amusing.

But, I actually found it difficult because of so much dense text and no spaces between paragraphs. This is not a criticism of your work. I just found it quite straining on my eyes. This is a shame, as I'd like to finish reading the piece. Also, as, if I'm having trouble, then perhaps there are others too. And, it would be a shame if some people were put off reading this.

Could you perhaps put some spaces between the paragraphs, and open it up a little?

I really would like to read this to the end.

---Jib

old friend at 15:59 on 11 September 2003  Report this post
Hello Steve,

Jib is spot on with suggestions for 'opening up' the presentation of your work. (By the way it is easy to remove two of the repeats' above... I also pressed the key twice with my first submission!)

You have chosen a most challenging task... to write something akin to a helpful Instructions Book in a style that will amuse and, hopefully, make people laugh out loud. This is very difficult.

The homage you pay to the 1920's Journalist, Arthur Armstrong, is seen very strongly in your work and also influences this piece. It has a 'stiff upper-lip' quality about it, the middle-class syndrome of William's world created by Richmal Crompton. Unfortunately the humour of that decade stays in the 1920's. Try re-writing this as Eric Sykes may have penned it. I know only Eric Sykes could do this but you'll learn a lot through this effort.

Nevertheless it is nice to read a well-written piece that isn't bursting with deep emotional tension and taut verbage. Thanks Steve.

old friend, Len



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