Breddus, this is a really interesting piece of writing. Lots of thoughts... Fantastic dramatic set-up, to have Tyrone on the edge, and Kim prepared to film him. In contrast to Shay's feelings, I felt the Mo/Winnie/Anne situation was less believable- it seems too extreme and not enoguh character development yet to be convincing. But the device of having Anne watching Tyrone and us seeing him fall from her perspective is great- you've obviously got a good instinct for stagecraft.
It feels like there's a huge amount of repetition in the Tyrone-Kim relationship- and although the dialogue has lots of brillaint moments, sometimes they're in danger of over explaining things. I'm also confused by who Sue is- preumably this is an error- and who Melanie is? Cyril is the child she aborted, yes, but a lot of people's names crop up who we never meet- and this can feel really confusing and distracting.
I also wanted to know more about exactly why Tyrone wants to die- I get a hint of despair at having lived the wrong kind of life, and feeling disgusted and ashamed of himself, but he also seems somehow not quite at the point of suicide- and he's so aware of the child watching him.
Have you got plans for this, or any further thoughts? and what draft is it? I think it's got lots of potential.
Hi Breddus,
I liked this, can see a lot of potential, Tyrone's character did interest me, I to wnated to know his story, what had brought him to this place. A couple of things to note, in the stage directions at the beginning of Scene 2, it says 'Anne the girl is never seen, but is looking out of the window' If she is never seen, then surely we can't know she looking out of the window? Also I have just had a script returned by the BBC's Writers Room suggesting that it is better to describe the characters accent in stage directions, than to write their dialogue as it would sound. I am not sure how widely this opinion is held, perhaps others could comment on it?
Either way, good work!
I think the accent question probably would refer more to say, if you had a character with a French accent, you obviously wouldn't want the dialogue to full of 'allo, allo moments, which is how it would, ow you say, come across- whereas here it seemed to me that patois that Tyrone and occasionally Kim slips into is much more than accent, it's a language and a dialect and it wouldn't work to simply say in the direction, Tyrone speaks with a Jamaican accent, or something similiar, because the dialogue needs to be spot on- I was interested in the places where he slips into standard English and where he's speaking in patois, and wondering how indicative this is of his state of mind and changes. But a good point to bring up.
Facinating tale. Really held the attention. In some ways a sad relection that the relationship between the two couples seemed to hinge on sex, or lack of getting it, and the effect of that lack upon the ultimate resolution of Kim and Tyrone's coupling and the unresolved, but necesary outside help required for Mo and Winnie.
Tyrone falling past the window, presumably watched by Anne, at the same time Mo is again accepting Winnie's explanation for her behaviour rounds off both stories.
Breddus 
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Anna Reynolds
