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News on fire

by Practicer 

Posted: 22 October 2019
Word Count: 94
Summary: For the take flight challenge


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There are no benches,

So where can  I sit?
In the entrance of the supermarket?
On a pallet with wood that has split?

Along the sky , lanterns are aglow
But only with the smoke of tomorrow´s shadow.
My flight and fight hormone are on street credit 

inside the shoes where my soles don´t fit.

The dizzy spiralling, looking up at narrows signs

The  shapes are featureless because of glaring sunshine


I must escape and return to our car. 

As the news at sun up,

Closed off , under control,
 Fire , Fire.






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Comments by other Members



Practicer at 18:09 on 22 October 2019  Report this post
I had a bit of trouble uploading it. The arrangement of the words went a bit wobbly. I missed some punctuation. I am still learning.
I beg your pardon.

V`yonne at 13:20 on 24 October 2019  Report this post
I like the uncomfortableness of

inside the shoes where my soles don´t fit.

and I like the original way you use rhymes.

I'm not sure I get the ending. I wasn't sure where the 'fire' came in.

Practicer at 08:31 on 25 October 2019  Report this post
Thankyou.
It was about a recent fire in China town. I was there  the the day before

V`yonne at 13:37 on 25 October 2019  Report this post
Okay. Maybe if you place some references in there. Sometimes one gets the flavour of a poem better from the setting. Try using Fire Fire as the title then cut some 'the's out

Along the burning sky like Chinese lanterns aglow
but only with the smoke of tomorrow´s shadow.
My flight and fight responses are on street credit 

inside the shoes where my soles don´t fit.

Dizzy spiralling,
looking up at narrows signs
shapes featureless because of glare

I escape and return to the car. 

News at sun up,
under control.


Now that is very close to your original but suggestions only which feel free to ignore. 
 

Practicer at 13:44 on 25 October 2019  Report this post
Thank you for the critique, I am grateful for the responses. 
This is a very helpful writers group.
I practice writing for about half an hour day.
It is a good feeling when something comes through the pen to work with.

crowspark at 17:26 on 27 October 2019  Report this post
Your opening gives tension and urgency:

There are no benches,
So where can  I sit?
In the entrance of the supermarket?
On a pallet with wood that has split?


The discomfort of:

inside the shoes where my soles don´t fit.


and:

The dizzy spiralling


The action re-ignited at the end with:

Closed off , under control,
 Fire , Fire.


Lots of energy here.
Thanks for sharing.
Bill

 


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