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5`3
Posted: 05 March 2004
Word Count: 52
Summary: i dont know..it just came (and i hate that it came this way...)
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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.
5'3
Libra
Lots of milk in her tea
makes me complete..
short hair.
spikes it
brown eyes
purple lipstick
despises me
blazer
to cover her big bum
made to iron at seventeen by her mum
(you see, i dont really know her)
black poodle
Black soul
fucking bitch
she took it all
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 tinyclanger at 00:18 on 06 March 2004
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Ouch! This hurts...in more ways than one.
Not sure if I'm getting it all but the mix of intimate comments that can only be made about someone very close, and the bitterness of loss/breaking up comes through so strongly. Touching juxtapositions which make it all the more heartfelt and aching.
Especially: "(you see, i dont really know her)"
painful..and very 'real'..
x
tc
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miffle at 10:19 on 06 March 2004
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Quite a contrast between the gentle first verse (cosy cups of tea, flakey horoscopes) and the last (black sting in the tail) - I like this.
A 'spikey' poem in idea, image and sound - 'spikes it' just sounds so 'spikey' to me, 'lipstick' too (with it's 'st' and 'ck' sounds!). Scratchy poem too...
'made to' resonates, I can feel resentment there.
'Purple lipstick despises me' - loved this phrase. Sense of a misfit, wanting to fit in.
'(you see I don't really know her)' - enigmatic, i read it as being embarassed by the things your mum 'makes you do' i.e. ironing a blazer!?
Last stanza, again enigmatic, deeply personal imagery. Again, scratchy pain - heard in 'ck' 'k' 'it' 'itch' sounds. Loved the use of colour in this poem.
Write on, miffle ;-)
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BorderBound at 12:47 on 06 March 2004
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:) thanks dudes,
(Miff, I think your my biggest fan on this, heh,
Your feedback always makes me smile!)
AND TC...
I'll take the hurt as a compliment...
I didnt think about the juxtapositions when I wrote it,
I love how people see different things in my work..
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olebut at 16:23 on 06 March 2004
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Border interesting poem
one thing that threw me was the 5'3" at the start and I wonder if it would have been better to write it as 'five feet three'
a couple more suggestions if I may
'lots' greats a bit 'loads' may work slightly better
and a comma after seventeen helps the flow
take care
david
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