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Love in Sharp

by gard 

Posted: 24 May 2004
Word Count: 168
Summary: playing around with this one still


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Love in sharp light

His scent is home made lemonade
His talk is orange and lime
and skin like juice and soft pulp
white pith and tart.

A sharp taste meets tension
in my mouth making my jaw ache
and tiny droplets of moisture
drip slowly around
dimpled surfaces on the washed fruit

I hold in my hand

the dimples and his chin......
spiky blunt hair tickles; ends the moment as we kiss.
He is silent just for a sip while citrus fruit
seems to squeeze from the sky.



V2

Love in sharp light

His scent is home made lemonade
His talk is orange and lime
and skin like juice and soft pulp
white pith and tart.

A sharp taste meets tension
in my mouth making my jaw ache
tiny droplets of moisture drip slowly
around dimpled surfaces on the washed fruit

I hold in my hand

the dimples and his chin......
spiky blunt hair tickles
the taste of marmalade as we kiss
citrus squeezing out of clouds.









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Comments by other Members



roovacrag at 05:46 on 25 May 2004  Report this post
Gard,perfect.
Don't alter this.
Makes the juices run.
I like something different and this is different.
Well done.
xx Alice

Nell at 07:29 on 25 May 2004  Report this post
Gard, this is stunning. I agree with Alice, it's perfect, play around no more!

Nell.

gard at 12:16 on 25 May 2004  Report this post
Hi roovacrag and nell

thankyou!

Taking out "the" though before tension (say that fast a few times ha ha)

G

joanie at 18:06 on 25 May 2004  Report this post
Hi, Gard. I liked this. It is full of all the senses..... taste, smell, touch, hearing, sight. Everything seems heightened, intense. Good one.
joanie

Lawrenco at 07:58 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
It`s another fine piece Gina .It`s great to have the female perspective,on how you reallllllllly feel about men.Has that subtle wit that certainly seems unique to you.
It all atributes to your style,that certainly for me is distinct.

gard at 12:01 on 26 May 2004  Report this post
Hi Lawrenco!

thanks

G

LONGJON at 22:02 on 29 May 2004  Report this post
G'day Gina,

What a marvellous association - they say that the senses of taste and smell are the strongest, you've capitalised on the power of rememberance that those senses produce brilliantly.

Well done

John P.



<Added>

Talk about association - after posting this I see that there is an ad in the column next to your poem, derived from Google, for citrus juicers!!!

J.

gard at 22:08 on 29 May 2004  Report this post
HI LJ!

thanks for your comment, oh yes I see it ha ha! Don't they have to ask my permission or is it a component of this website?

G

LONGJON at 06:08 on 30 May 2004  Report this post
Hi G,

Probably didn't ask 'cause they thought you might want some "injuicements'!!!

Sorry...

John P.

miffle at 10:16 on 30 May 2004  Report this post
Gard, Love the title and the idea of this. Love too the sound, especially the sound contrasts between words like: 'pulp' 'pith' 'tart' and words like 'blunt' and 'tickles', 'sip' and 'kiss'.

And the effect of all those very short tangy words: makes sound edible almost! And the poem left a sharp taste in my mouth! All those 't's, especially! Clever stuff!

'ends the moment' was an interesting line. Seemed to me like desire popped there (!?): stubble a turn off (!?). I found it comical to visualise :-)

Wasn't sure about the word 'while' (?). Love the last image but wondered if 'juice' might work better than 'fruit' (?!) You probably thought that too (?).

The 'kiss' feels a lengthy one (!): maybe just because the sound is long (!?). Feel that the kiss and the word 'kiss' is the pivot of the poem. A crescendo to it and then a tailing off.

Really enjoyed it. All the best, Miffle




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