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RLG6 - Destiny
Posted: 02 June 2004
Word Count: 105
Summary: My attempt!
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The moon lit a path towards the shore,
as though pointing the finger of guilt at me.
I loved him - nothing less and nothing more;
I was
helpless in the plan of what was meant to be.
The jagged hooks and claws of raging rocks
sent anger, hatred crashing down on me
as I strode on, oblivious, unseeing, on
my solitary journey of atonement to the sea.
Wavelets taunting, mocking, teased my toes
my knees, my fingertips and called me to be free.
The ocean drew me deeper, closer to its heart;
I was
helpless in the plan of what was meant to be.
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Comments by other Members
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 Account Closed at 20:47 on 02 June 2004
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I liked the repetition in this. The passive acceptance of what was meant to be. Sad. Maybe you could replace angry for the rocks as the noun anger comes just after or vice versa sent fury/rage?
Elspeth
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 joanie at 20:49 on 02 June 2004
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thanks, e.g. Yes you're right. I'll re-think now.
joanie
<Added>
I've changed 'angry' to 'raging' - I quite like the alliteration. Does that work better?
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Mooncat at 09:07 on 03 June 2004
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Hi Joanie,
I really liked this. It reads well and I love 'jagged hooks and claws of raging rocks' - brilliant!
All the best,
Marie
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miffle at 12:57 on 03 June 2004
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Loved: 'I was / helpless in the plan of what was meant to be'. The repetition works well, the line deepens the second time rather than flattening. All the best, Miffle :-)
<Added>
A suicide walk? I like the sense of drama below the surface of the lines.
Perhaps you could add more sensory detail to create a stronger sense of immediacy (?)gull squawk, salt air, squally showers... : though I do think it is already an atmospheric piece. And enigmatic too. Exploit these strengths!
Also I like the idea of the fragility of the human body and spirit in comparison with the strength, resilience of the sea.
Will you give it an alternative title in time? I think it deserves one!
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word`s worth at 14:45 on 03 June 2004
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Two suicides in one RLG line! I can't bear it!
Joanie,
Wavelets taunting, mocking, teased my toes
my knees, my fingertips and called me to be free.
This was a clever description of her moving deeper into the water - her feet, then the water up to her knees, then her fingertips...then...
Also liked the repetition of the last line in the first and last stanza. Made me sad, but I enjoyed it --- if you see what I mean.
Nahed x
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joanie at 16:45 on 03 June 2004
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Marie, Sue, miffle, Nahed, Alice... Thanks for responding. Glad you liked it.
miffle - yes, a suicide walk, but because the writer felt that she had to atone for her sin of simply loving him, by walking into the water. She felt that everything - the moon, the rocks, the waves were shouting out her guilt, and only one thing would make it right. (I think!) I'll think about your other suggestions, and a title; thank you.
joanie
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anisoara at 22:32 on 06 June 2004
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Joanie -
You've done well - to integrate a line of prose into poetry, and to set up a regular rhythm, not missing a beat. Love the circularity: "I was helpless inthe plan of what was meant to be."
Ani
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