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blood-
Posted: 05 July 2004
Word Count: 68
Summary: not sure this is finished. any criticism welcome. harsh as you like.
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blood-
rusted, throat-stalks
bend
like tired voices in dry grass.
sickening, thought's
stalled.
the stench of spent speech
clings,
it clings -
as memories of hopes linger in the skin of damp hospital sheets, and
dare not stir. i dare
not stir. i am apart,
but no further from you, this hour, than the stammering
of the unborn within
this perpetual decay of echoes.
we pray, nightly,
screaming.
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Comments by other Members
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 Ticonderoga at 11:31 on 05 July 2004
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This is astonishing; extremely disturbing in the way it takes you inside a situation/many situations; almost a universal song of the evils of human rights abuse of all hideous sorts. Very fine piece.
Mike
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roovacrag at 15:04 on 05 July 2004
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Strange,
Another great piece from you.
Every stanza complimented the other in the most bizarre way.
I loved it,will look for more of your work.
Well done.
xx Alice
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eyeball at 18:37 on 05 July 2004
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Dark and puzzling. Made me think of childbirth. (Not something I like thinking about) Sharon
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Okkervil at 20:19 on 05 July 2004
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Egad! Not sure what to say really. It's an excellent poem... the way it blends thoughts and reality- 'as memories of hopes linger in the skin of damp hospital sheets.' Yeah, it is disturbing, full of brilliant, horrible phrases. I shall now trail off and stare at something for a while.
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miffle at 20:37 on 05 July 2004
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Had a stuck/ static/ stale feel up to the word 'apart' - effect created I think through use of all those 'st' sounds...
Dark poem, somewhat puzzling... Oppressive feel... 'perpetual decay of echoes' no hope there...
'spent' reminded me of Shakespeare 'nought's had/ all's spent' i.e. sexual reference.
Wasn't sure about idea of sheets having 'skin'?
Seemed to relate to a love affair/ liason broken up...
'we pray nightly': hmmm... wondered who the 'we' was, did you want to leave it ambiguous? Could be 'the unborn'/ all people in the speaker's place...
Vivid piece, Miffle
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Rai15 at 22:22 on 05 July 2004
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I really liked this, and yet I can't explain why...
When I was reading it, I just saw an image of me, but a different side to my personality, standing in front of me reading it. Doubt that has any relevance to you, but hey nevermind.
It's very good, I feel, so well done.
-Rai-
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strangetantrum at 21:40 on 06 July 2004
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thanks all. wasn't very sure about this one. your comments are much appreciated.
i'm also not sure that sheets have skin but it just seemed right to me. i don't mind if it sits a little uneasily.
stuck / static/ stale feel? yes. i'm happier - well, less unhappy - with the second half.
thanks again.
steve
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Lawrenco at 23:34 on 07 July 2004
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It`s like the poem has a hinged dramatic effect of shock; a bit like a ghost train owah!I like it when something really common and ineffensive can sound so menacing!I like the way it doesn`t conclude.
<Added>
Sorry yes blood I meant see above.
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gard at 22:39 on 09 July 2004
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Hi strange tantrum
vivid piece. Thought the second "it clings" not necessary....the first having its own drama, just thought
G
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