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Alone
Posted: 30 May 2003
Word Count: 60
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The aching crush
of unrequited love,
hangs heavy
on the spring air.
The rejection of self,
brakes
the inert soul.
The shelf fills
with the unwanted,
as the blessed
make babes
under cover of
united duvets.
Tears of desolation
drop
from red ringed
swollen eyes,
onto
pale faced
cheeks of despair.
As Cupid's arrows
withdraw
broken hearts bleed
unseen red.
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 olebut at 09:53 on 30 May 2003
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pene this has much emotion I would however kill your word prog and take out the capital letter at the beginning of line 2 4 6 7 9 etc
Mr Gates has much to answer for , Word is a pain when it does that I think you can change the settings in options no doubt somebody will advise you how to do it
take care david
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 Ally at 16:03 on 30 May 2003
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Its easy to stop word from doing that. I can't tell you about other versions, I have 2000, but if you go to tools in the toolbar, then autocorrect, then uncheck the box 'capitalize first letters of sentences'.
Hope this helps
What it is also useful for is if you have words that you commonly misspell, you can add them to the list to be autmoatically changed - I often type the as teh, and I have added that to the list.
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fevvers at 20:22 on 30 May 2003
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Hi Pene
List poems are wonderful aren't they, especially for building up a kind of never-ending emotional drag for the the reader? And a good attempt here at that kind of poem, but I don't feel you've quite cracked it.
I hope you don't mind me making suggestions but I do have a couple to make and, of course, it's totally up to you to act on them. These are really just exercises you can try on your poem to see where it will go.
- How about using a character in the poem, rather than an omniscient narrator. This can be a she, he or an I, it can even be a name if you want it to be (I'm thinking of Eliot's Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock - but that is written in first person).
- Get the chracter to do something, go somewhere specific (Neruda's 'Lone Gentleman' went for a walk down a street and listed things he saw)
- Get the character to notice something specific, anything.
- Get the character to make some comment or realisation on the thing or the journey or themselves. (there's a bit of this in the lines from "tears of desolation.." - which doesn't mean to say you wouldn't want to re-draft these bits)
- Do all this in the most basic language you can think of (try to avoid abstract nouns and adverbs) - You've got this lovely diction in "the aching crush of love hangs heavy on spring air" (I've edited the words 'unrequited' and 'the' because I think you will be able to make the unrequitedness come out in the rest of the poem, and 'the' just isn't needed). Go with this diction! The most wonderful thing about poetry is it uses something so 'everyday' and makes it dance - you don't need 'babes' (which are like fairies and hang out in woods) when you can have 'babies' which are chubby and giggly and squidgy. Good language you see?
I would, though, be very wary of cliches. 'Being left on the shelf' is one, as is 'Cupid's arrow' and a 'broken heart'
I think you can come up with a lovely poem from this draft, what do you think?
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pene at 09:59 on 31 May 2003
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Thank you for all your comments I will have another go at this one.
Pene
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