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by tinalouise 

Posted: 24 August 2004
Word Count: 166

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I take,
I feed.
Your hate anger and greed,
Just fodder for my rhymes,
Nourishing the scribe,
Taking your diatribe,
Feeling your vibe,
Enriching my words with your insides.

Your emotions, alien devotions,
Twisted thoughts, addictions to potions,
Angst, suicidal thoughts and guns…
Just ammunition and potential PUNS.

Be my breakfast, dinner and lunch,
Give me something with a bit of crunch.

Thank you for the mere word ‘LAME’,
You fit so nicely into my game.
You are the prey who imagines he’s king,
The uninspired who knows,
Of his soul,
His goal,
His true life’s worth,
You simply tickle the nerves of my mirth.

One day you’ll be all burned out,
Wrung out,
And strung out.

And when your hot head hatred,
Grows colder,
And you have,
A chip-LESS shoulder...
...then I will take thee,
Drained of life’s bull.

When you are hollow and empty...
...I will find you FULL.

The true bright you,
Before my eyes,
Out of disguise,
And truly wise.

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Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 15:04 on 24 August 2004  Report this post
this is a very good piece; fabulous rhythm and pace to it; needs to be sung or rapped out; full of great ideas and humour. My only quibble would be with that 'thee' towards the end - bit of a sore thumb for me in the body of a poem that feels so modern. But, lovely work!



tinalouise at 15:07 on 24 August 2004  Report this post
Thank you so much Mike for making me feel welcome, I really appreciate your time. I only just got here and am working out where to start reading, I am sure I will get the hang of it all. Namaste

The Walrus at 19:57 on 24 August 2004  Report this post
Love the vitriolic, passionate sentiment of this piece and the finale of comeuppance.

Look forward to reading more.

The Walrus

tinalouise at 20:49 on 24 August 2004  Report this post
Thank you too oddly named Walrus:) I look forward to submitting more and will, once I join properly (finances put this on hold for the moment). I wrote a poem on July 4th 2004 and they have been falling out in a steady stream ever since - quite a suprise and an amazing pleasure. I never imagined poetry could feel this great. I found a site where poets critique eachother at lit.org which is nice. But I really wanted to join somewhere here in the UK. Thanks again and Namaste.

Lawrenco at 01:59 on 25 August 2004  Report this post

I wasn`t sure quite how to take this . I have read it through a few times.
It makes a change to have a predatory female.The kipling statement of the female of the spiecies is more deadly than the male.-certainly comes to mind.
Though to evalue it on this level would be underestimating its depth.It certainly works on many levels,and the finishing of the poem is not without compassion...I hope! Welcome to ww.Would be intrigued to read some more stuff.

olebut at 07:28 on 26 August 2004  Report this post
Tinalouise, so much controlled frustration verging on anger but a degree of pathos, resigantion and love come through from your poem. It is evident you have thought about the effect you are trying to create not just with the words you have used but also with the overall structure andlayout of the piece.I wwuld kill the upper case letters at the start of each line, excpet of course if preceeded by a full stop as i believe this convention spoils the flow of the poem although in causing that Jar adds to the anger, the roughness but on balance I think I would still get rid of them. ( It is a hobby horse of mine, you would not use upper case charachters in a novel at the beginning of each line so why do it ina poem? sorry rant over)

if they are flowing let em flow well done and welcome to write words

take care


aliyahsam at 10:40 on 26 August 2004  Report this post
a dramtic poem, full of emotions stirring in anger. or is it full of anger or same emotion. i do love it. keep on writing, as what david said, let the words flow, never hesitate to write anything on ur mind.

tinalouise at 00:10 on 27 August 2004  Report this post
Thanks for taking the time to comment, it is so wonderful to have the feedback :)

Patrick- 'predatory female'? Well that's a first! Actually, with hindsight, if I had realised I could only upload one piece of work until I join properly, I probably would have chosen something else. I write soft friendly things too. I have mentioned that this is all new and I am just playing whatever 'muses' me in any style that falls out. This was written after I submitted my first poem to a site last month and amidst great comments was one that contained simply one word...'lame'...then I wrote this. I am a pussycat really. All purr no growl.

David-Thankyou for the info, I was unaware of the capital letter thing, I really appreciate the help with getting it right. And thanks too for the kind welcome.

Yasmin-Thanks, as I have said, it wasn't so much anger as realisation that we are all at different points in our own evolution and this was a response to someone who had a long way to go!LOL

Lawrenco at 09:11 on 31 August 2004  Report this post
I really don`t know what I was thinking with that last comment .There is nothing predatory just compassion.(it was a difficult week.)
It`s beutiful poem of a womans love for a man that by the sounds of it doesn`t deserve it .He carries the hurt ,and builds a wall round him ,causing obvious unhappiness all round,I hope he came to his senses .

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