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Caught in the Silver Web
Posted: 09 September 2004
Word Count: 141
Summary: This is still work in progress! I am trying a new style of writing (well for me anyway!) Any comments and/or criticism welcome, thanks in advance for your time taken to read, Lottie :-)
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Part I
she's there
she's wrapped
in a silver mood
in a crochet web
of solitude
she's silent
she's watching
with a deathly gaze
her prey
she's cold
she's alone
abandoned by her mother
at the age of fourteen
she's lost
she's within
a twenty year old's
widows web
Part II
she has long black hair
cheeks blushed pink on pale skin
a face ready for war
her thick lashes coated twice
with mascara armour
emphasise sad loss in her blue eyes
she's hardened to the crowd
mourners consoling her with their guilt
no one really cared but him
her father was laid to rest today
she told me he never knew
she told me
Part III
"fifty pounds to suck cock"
she said
it was to pay her rent
I wept that night
after the first time
on her behalf
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 22:38 on 10 September 2004
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Lottie, I really liked this. The change of style in each stanza was effective, I thought.
I liked the repetition of 'she's' in the first lines and the 'mascara armour' - very significant; protection, bravado, brashness, but something to hide behind.
The last three lines are very poignant. Thay make me feel inadequate.
joanie
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 Lottie at 23:36 on 11 September 2004
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Joanie, thank you for your comments. This was supposed to be one poem but it's been split into three parts - a biography of a person I know. The last three lines are my personal empathy. Thanks again. Lottie :-)
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The Walrus at 20:07 on 12 September 2004
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This works really well Lottie. Am cameo of a person, a sad story - 'there by the grace of god...'
The Walrus
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lieslj at 11:28 on 17 September 2004
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Hi Lottie,
It is always brave to venture into new territory. You have made a fine start with this poem which attempts to express a young woman's desperation and abandonment. Those sentiments are clearly conveyed.
For my ear, the repetion of "she's" in verse one creates a lyrical feel which could be very effective in a ballad, but, is less effective in poetry. Lyrics and poetry have different aims and objectives (bear with me if I'm stating the obvious) and I think you have to decide which you are aiming at.
In the second section it is unclear what the war is about. Is she heading to Iraq, or is this an internal battle she has to fight. Perhaps you might try to sustain more images, like your mascara-armour symbol. That is tremendously evocative - I would like more like that.
The third section gives us a good sense of her defeat. I'm wondering though who the "I" is. The narrator having observed the sexual service, or having received it? It seems important to clarify.
Regards
Liesl
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Account Closed at 14:32 on 18 September 2004
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This is great stuff, and I think would be even greater if some of the biography was left out - thus making the poem more universal as well as specific. I fiddled around and came up with this attempt (sorry if I'm being too presumptuous, but I just got so involved in the whole poem and VERY excited about it!!):
Part I
she's there
she's wrapped
in a silver mood
in a crochet web
of solitude
she's silent
she's watching
with a deathly gaze
her prey spun down
within her days
she's cold
she's alone
(For Part I, I loved the rhyme in the 1st stanza so much, I thought there should be another one - just a suggestion though and can be thrown out easily!)
Part II
she has long black hair
cheeks blushed pink on pale skin
a face ready for war
her thick lashes coated twice
with mascara armour
she's hardened to the crowd
no one really cared but him
her father was laid to rest today
she told me he never knew
she told me
(For Part II, I just thought losing some of the outside "crowd" scenes pulls the reader's gaze to the main girl ...)
Part III is fantastic as it stands - absolutely love it!!! Almost a haiku pair and very downbeat.
Hope this isn't too annoying! I do love the piece!
LoL
A
xxx
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Lottie at 17:57 on 18 September 2004
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leisl and HollyB
Just to acknowledge your comments and thank you for your time.
I'm in a bit of a rush this evening but will get back to you soon :-)
Lottie :-)
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Lottie at 23:01 on 20 September 2004
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leisl
Thank you for your comments. It's always interesting to know how someone else reads/hears your poem. You mention that the first section sounds almost lyrical, this was not my intention. My intention was to get entice the reader into the story I wanted to tell.
The second section is about the war on herself /emotions - this was the section I am not completely happy with at the moment. It's great that a couple of people like the image regarding the "mascara armour" - I am going to use that to help redo this section - maybe a rewrite is in order here!?
The last section is basically how it is and my empathy towards the girl - is the narrator the girl? is the narrator just an observer? is the narrator her father who died? Personally I wanted to leave the end vague in order for the reader to come to their own conclusion.
Once again, thank you for your comments and time.
Lottie :-)
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Lottie at 23:09 on 20 September 2004
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Hi HollyB
Thank you for your comments and input in relation to my poem.
I'm not that great at rhyming - I've been told that some of my rhyming poems sound too forced, so I have given up on trying :-) Maybe I could give it another go.....if the words come naturally to me...
I mentioned about to liesl with regard to the second part, I'm not completely happy with it as a whole, hence being work in progress.
Your comment about how in its current version it takes the reader away from the girl is a good one, and I will endevour to amend that in a rewrite...
I wasn't too sure about the last section however that was how this piece started with those words......so I just had to keep them in somewhere :-)
I don't find your comments and input annoying at all - completely the opposite and very refreshing that someone is excited about what could be !!!
Thank you and best wishes,
Lottie :-)
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Ticonderoga at 13:37 on 25 September 2004
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It's all been said, but, I'd just like to add my admiration of the form and content - really quite a brave piece to write as a poem, even nowadays................it'll find its perfect form in its own good time!
Love & Mercy,
Mike
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nickyflower at 16:42 on 17 July 2008
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A brave poem that captivates. Part III grabbed me and shook me!
Enjoyed very much.
Nicky.
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