war by pene - WriteWords.org.uk

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war

by pene

Posted: 11 June 2003
Word Count: 56

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War is now upon us
a miracle we need,
to save our fragile planet
from the tyranny of greed.
Weapons of mass destruction
will make the warm earth weep,
chemical filled lungs burning
broken hearted souls yearning.
War's lost victims will fall
screaming in eternal sleep.
The universe is aching
perfect peace we all must seek.

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olebut at 16:40 on 11 June 2003 Report this post

again pene very thought provoking one minor suggestion

in line 10 would it work better if you inserted the word 'in'
so it reads

screaming in eternal sleep.

take care

david

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pene at 07:53 on 13 June 2003 Report this post

thanks David I have inserted "in" as you suggested and I agree it does fit better, many thanks
Love Pene x

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Agnieszka Ryk at 17:23 on 16 June 2003 Report this post

Hi Pene
Welcome to the Short Poems Group!
I think this piece has a very strong message and conveys it in a simple and universal manner - well done!
This may be a personal preference, but I find a few of the inversions of common word order a little jarring, particularly

perfect peace we all must seek

and

a miracle we need

I think the power of the poem would be increased substantially if this kind of stylized word-order could be replaced with something more natural. But that's just my opinion.

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