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by Carlton 

Posted: 29 October 2004
Word Count: 44

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I am intoxicated
by some exotic liqor
that saturates my soul
Enraptured by the
sweet aromas that percolate
from deep within your
whole existence

Juxtaposed as they are
with the elixir of passion
such universal panacea
that heals me, makes me whole.

Carlton Sorrento

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Account Closed at 13:23 on 29 October 2004  Report this post
Love the sense of mystery and desire here - and of things larger than ourselves. I did wonder whether it might "look" better without the initial capitals at the beginning of every line, but that's just a personal view.

I also wondered about making the last four lines into a separate stanza as the piece draws to its conclusion.

Another thought occurs - whilst the theme is universal, it might make it more "grounded" if there was one, maybe two, more specific images in it? - perhaps if the "sweet aromas" were described more specifically, or even the "elixir of passion"?

I also love the title - "Desire" - but was unsure as a result if you needed to add the word, "desire" to the poem itself at all, as the word might be redundant in the text, as it's already in the title?

Powerful stuff!



Carlton at 09:27 on 05 November 2004  Report this post

Thanks HollyB
I think I might have resolved the capitalisation issue, not too familiar with word and short lines on my pc. Mostly write on a pda, so not at all sure how to stop line capitalisation on that yet. I agree, the last four lines do make a separate stanza, and help to close . As it was , this one was written on the fly, directly on a table mat over dinner with a lady, so extra imagery wasn't on my mind at the time; any suggestions? Also, the title was added after, so yes the word desire could probaly be removed from the body of the piece.

paul53 [for I am he] at 13:18 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
Liked this.

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