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A Girl by the Carousel (Rev2)

by dryyzz 

Posted: 23 November 2004
Word Count: 1419
Summary: This one has been updated, considering comments made previously. I wanted to dump a lot of verb/noun modifiers without loosing atmosphere and feel. I hope I've achieved this, let me know if the baby's gone out with the bath-water. Any other comments or suggestions, as ever, will be gratefully recieved. Darryl


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Karl tucked his hands into his pockets and smiled. He watched as two giddy teenage girls, hair illuminated in flashing reds and greens, stumbled off the waltzer and onto the grass. Clinging together and laughing they walked a zigzag path towards the Funhouse.

With volumes set to maximum, forgotten pop hits crackled out over competing sound systems. Karl turned to continue his walk. The caramel scent of toffee apples gave way to that of hotdogs and fried onions.

By eight-thirty Karl felt a shift in the atmosphere. Earlier he’d had seen tiny children, faces smeared with candyfloss, hand in hand with parents who shared their smiles.

Now there were groups of youths with their hands clasping tins of cheap lager. Lips that formed constant sneers gripped cigarettes that grew brighter as night began to fall.

Karl was twenty-seven, still, he gave these youths a wide berth and avoided direct eye contact. Upon hearing a shout, he turned as one youth hit the grass. A general push and pull followed. Karl decided to leave.
He stopped to pull a pack of cigarettes from his jeans pocket. When he looked up, he saw her.

Karl knew that you couldn’t choose your family or your DNA. Consequently he had no choice in the immediate desire he felt for this woman; this woman who was so patently wrong for him.

Backed by a stampede of brightly coloured carousel horses, she stood talking to a man with a permanent scar running the length of his right cheek.

It was her hair that first entrapped Karl. A cascade of blue-black ringlets fell to a ‘V’ at the small of her back. As the woman turned, Karl failed to stifle a gasp.

My God, he thought, those eyes. Irises, pools of black, were indistinguishable from the pupils they surrounded.
The man she spoke to ran a hand through his spiked hair. The distressed leather jacket that clung to his shoulders bobbed as he shrugged. Karl watched as the man leant forward and cupped his ear in order to hear the woman speak. Karl felt a burst heat in his stomach. He imagined how the warmth of her breath might feel against his own ear.

Karl knew this woman was dangerous. It was her looks, but also her stance; the tilt of her hips and way the toe of her left boot pointed skyward; the way mischief played across her smile. He knew she’d be a journey with a tragic ending. But my God, he thought, what a ride.
Karl pretended to stand and watch the traditional carousel; calliope music provided a beat for the rise and fall of the pole-skewered horses.

The spiked-haired man’s expression changed. The hand he’d cupped to his ear was drawn away. Karl couldn’t interpret the expression, but anger was certainly present. As the woman laughed, the man backed away. It was almost as though he feared turning his back on her. She shrugged, raised her hand and gave a wiggle-fingered wave. The man hawked then spat onto the grass; he turned and walked away. The woman switched her gaze to the carousel horses.

As Karl’s watched her, he took in more detail. Knots of yellow metal bangles hung from each of her wrists. He saw the curve of her calf between skirt and boot.
The woman looked around and noticed his gaze. She smiled. Karl looked away. He hadn’t the guts to approach a woman like this.

He didn’t notice when she drew nearer. He jumped when she spoke.

“Hello Sir, are you looking for something easy to catch?” Karl frowned, but with her in such close proximity he couldn’t help but suck in every last detail. Her skin was olive and flawless, her teeth white. Subconsciously Karl drew a deep draught of breath up through his nose. The scent she wore reminded him of Christmas and of spices.

Karl’s eyes flicked away from the woman. The more he looked at her he could feel desire clouding his judgement. “A cold’s easy to catch, can’t say I’m looking for one of those,” he said.

As the woman smiled, Karl felt a sluice of adrenaline. He couldn’t believe how much he wanted her.

“Sensible man,” she said, reaching out and placing a hand on his upper arm. “What I had in mind was a game of chance. Win or lose, you’ll spend the night with me.”
Karl’s common sense screamed danger, but was drowned out by the thud and beat of desire.

“I’ve got no money,” he said. Feeling beads of sweat spring out onto the palms of his hand.

“Money is not necessary,” she replied. She took him by the hand and led him behind the carousel. It was dark there. The music was still audible but getting quieter.
She squeezed his hand. Pointing to a large modern caravan, she said, “This is my home.”

Inside, the woman led him to a room that contained a bed. It was made up with scarlet sheets. She lit a candle and a stick of incense, the room soon filled with a musky scent that complimented her perfume. She opened a rosewood jewellery box and withdrew a coin.
“It’s a simple game of chance,” she said.
She explained the game; Karl, yearning for her close physical proximity, understood the terms and accepted willingly.

She flipped the coin into the air; it spun, edges glittering in the candlelight. Upon catching the coin she slapped it onto the back of her wrist. “Your call,” she said.
* * *
Karl awoke, his body nestled spoon-like against the woman. He thought he must have at least an hour until the game reached completion, but checking his watch he found that just seven minutes remained. At the foot of the bed lay a dressing table; upon the table lay a handkerchief, beneath it, led the coin; its result still unknown.

Just after eight, a knock came at the caravan door. As the woman stirred, the door opened.

A large shaven-headed man wearing a leather jerkin entered the room. He gave Karl a polite nod.

“Leonora, it’s time,” he said.

For the first time Karl realised he hadn’t even known the woman’s name. And after a night of such heated intimacy, he hadn’t even thought to ask.

The woman, this Leonora climbed out of bed. The man tossed her a robe; she quickly put it on, tying the belt in a loose knot.

The man folded his thick tattooed arms across his chest.

“Leonora, it’s time for the gentleman to know the result of his game.”

She withdrew the handkerchief from the coin and sighed.

“It’s tails Karl. You lose.”

Karl felt numb.

The man smiled. He pulled a chromed revolver from a concealed holster. Approaching the bed, he flipped open the release catch he showed Karl the six empty chambers.

From his jeans pocket he pulled two brass-cased shells. Placing the two shells in the cylinder, he passed the weapon to Leonora. She snapped the cylinder shut and spun it with the palm of her hand. With care, she placed the weapon on the bed.

Karl felt a chill calm descend. He picked the revolver up and felt its weight; smelled the scent of gun oil.
The math was easy. Two bullets, six chambers; he had an almost seventy percent chance of survival.

He pushed the barrel into his mouth; it felt cold against his lips. He attempted to somehow quantify the night of pleasure he’d spent with Leonora. It had been nothing less than priceless, the game was a fair one.

The man and Leonora watched as his finger began to tighten around the trigger. He saw Leonora reach to cover her ears.

As the tension on the trigger increased, Karl had a sudden thought. He pulled the revolver from his mouth and placed it on the bed.

The shaven-headed man looked annoyed. “By choice or by force, you will take the forfeit. You agreed to the game.”

“I know, I know” Karl said, holding both palms up toward the man. “I just wonder if you’d be interested in a further wager?”

The man and Leonora exchanged a glance.

“I’m willing to hear you out. Explain your terms,” the man said.

“Double or quits. For another night with Leonora I’ll take the gun with four bullets now.”

Leonora nodded to the man.

“You’re a brave, brave man,” he said. He took the revolver from the bed and reached into his pocket for another two shells.

The Ends






















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Comments by other Members



juleschoc at 21:24 on 23 November 2004  Report this post
Please put'sneering lips clung to glowing cigarettes'....u are allowed some lieuway lol.

You've done a good job of being less expository e.g. 'he gave these youths a wide berth.'

Will have to print off the two and have a good look I think. But i like this story anyway. It made me want to read on and that's one of the most complimentary achievements I think.

Jules

Nell at 14:49 on 24 November 2004  Report this post
Darryl, It works well now. Love how you resolved the problem of the eyes and the hair - her impact is so much more stunning now.
One little thing - As Karl’s watched her... maybe you meant his gaze, but that wouldn't watch her either. 'As Karl watched her...' would be fine here. You could look at the middle section too and see if you could replace an instance or two of 'Karl' with 'he'. Great read!

Nell.

<Added>

And the fairground atmosphere is alive and well.

Dee at 12:50 on 27 November 2004  Report this post
Much improved, Darryl. I loved it the first time and it’s more streamlined now. But – isn’t there always a but – I spotted a few glitches:

distressed leather jacket
I think this should be distressed-leather, otherwise it suggests that the jacket is upset about something… mind you, I think I would be if I were on his shoulders… ;)

Karl pretended to stand and watch the traditional carousel; calliope music provided a beat for the rise and fall of the pole-skewered horses.
There’s something about this that stops me. It’s either superfluous or unfinished and I can’t decide which. I know what you’re saying but I get the feeling this is either added in to replace something else or you’ve trimmed away so much it’s been left too exposed.

The man hawked then spat onto the grass; he turned and walked away.
That ‘he’ in the middle is like a hiccup. Can I suggest simplifying it to:
The man hawked then spat onto the grass, turned and walked away.

yellow metal bangles I like the way you don’t say ‘gold’.

led the coin ‘lay’?

Approaching the bed, he flipped open the release catch he showed Karl the six empty chambers. Perhaps replace the second ‘he’ with ‘and’?

The first man is still a bit of a loose thread. We don’t know who he is or what they were arguing about. It may be irrelevant to what happens to Karl later but, if that’s the case, what is his relevance in the story?

Sorry if this is too nit-picking… it’s only because I think this story has great potential.

Dee


dryyzz at 08:01 on 29 November 2004  Report this post
Dee.
Thank you very much. As ever, I conceed where you've found something lacking or superfluous.
I've submitted this to one mag, but will more than likely tidy it further for any future sumittals.

The relevance of the first man is that he's been offered an opportunity to play the game, and quite sensibly refusues. I'm not sure how this works, but with this exchange, I wanted to confirm Karl's thoughts about how the woman was dangerous. Perhaps this fails, but that was the idea.

Thanks again Dee. Insightfull and eagle-eyed as ever.

Darryl


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