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Diazepam Five Milligram - Part 2
Posted: 18 June 2003
Word Count: 6
Summary: Personal. Please let me know what you think.
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nothing
then
naught
soon
everything now.
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 09:12 on 19 June 2003
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could you take out the word 'is' in each line and still keep the thrust of the poem?
I am a new comer to short poetry and have only ever written two ultra short poems both I have displayed on here 'The Beach' and 'Goodbye' so I ask as a novice.
i do understand the thrust of poem realtive to the subject though
take care
david
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Lisa at 18:08 on 19 June 2003
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Love it - you're right. Taking out the "is" really sharpens it up. Thanks
Lisa
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olebut at 18:17 on 19 June 2003
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lIsa
i have just re reread it and wonder if you like this also taken the capitals
out I appreciate it does change the meaning a lot but it sort of struck me
when re reading it or should that be re rereading it?
nothing
then
naught
too soon
everything
now.
take care
david
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Lisa at 19:03 on 19 June 2003
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Thanks for your thoughts - the poem is about the overwhelming - yet numb - emotional exsistence I experienced when taking Diazepam. It was for a short time but felt like an eternity. Very wierd experience.
There was no ability to comprehend the future clearly - to plan, to have ambitions. Neither was their any mental capacity to mourn the past. Everything was now - numb and yet vividly now.
The "too" you suggested before "soon", for me, takes away the sense of vague future (for want of a better term) and replaces it with a precise sense of needing in a more specific timeframe. Not really where I was coming from, but thanks for the suggestion.
I prefer it evolving into simply:
Nothing
then.
Naught
soon.
Everything now.
Although I like losing the capital letters - gives it a clean simplicity, which it does benefit from - the full stops provide a sense of finality to each statement which I quite like - hence keeping the capitals. What do you think?
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olebut at 19:13 on 19 June 2003
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Ultimately Lisa it is your poem and what you think is what is right all we can do is make suggestions as we see them.
personally i think you should drop the capitals or leave blank line after each full stop
Nothing then.
Naught soon.
Everything Now.
it is still a fine poem
take care
david
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 Anna Reynolds at 23:44 on 29 June 2003
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I loved this- it's utterly bleak and everything has been stripped away. If it had been a longer poem it would have lost the sharpness- it feels also as if it's about suicide. Really striking.
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Lisa at 17:24 on 30 June 2003
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Thanks Anna.
For me it was not about suicide but a bleak numbness - depression, essentially.
For some, those feelings may be interpretted as suicidal. For me it was a timelessness and lack of identity. Short lived but none-the-less all consuming at the time.
Thanks for your comments
Lisa
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Agnieszka Ryk at 09:05 on 01 July 2003
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Looking at the comments, was there an earlier version with 'is' in each line? I'd love to see that too to compare. I really like it as it is, although personally I could imagine maybe two or three more words there somewhere without losing the bleakness.
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Hilary Custance at 09:24 on 14 July 2003
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Lisa, I can't tell if this would work without the explanation and the previous poem. They are in my head and influencing the reading - whatever, so I think they should be kept together. joined with the other it is beautifully spare.
For myself the poem is lurking in these words of yours. 'There was no ability to comprehend the future clearly - to plan, to have ambitions. Neither was their any mental capacity to mourn the past. Everything was now - numb and yet vividly now.' Perhaps another poem, again very spare, could be added to the group dealing with this experience. Cheers, Hilary
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Lisa at 23:01 on 14 July 2003
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Thanks Hilary,
That's a very interesting thought. I'll think on evolving something from the explanation I had given.
Also thanks for your feedback on some of the rest of my work. Very much appreciated.
Cheers.
Lisa
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peterxbrown at 01:23 on 04 August 2003
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I love the evolved form with the leading capitals and broken phrases. The last (unbroken) line is a brilliant contrast and very strong. Perfection!
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