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Audiville Times small ads VI

by Audiman 

Posted: 07 December 2004
Word Count: 223

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Next minute for sale, be quick, next 60 seconds or it’ll be gone, will swap for quickie or badly done egg, no timewasters, £2.

Frost-free fridge-freezer, fragile, French, in fragments due to frightening freemason fracturing front, free fromage-frais, phone Franco, also dog named George, free.

Robertson’s jam golly badges wanted by avid collector, also Bernard Manning joke books, phone 01222 333333, ask for Akim Nbuku.

Roof slates, drainpipes, plus 250-foot of glittering bought in error due to horrendous typo, £2

Little-known children’s toys, Bob the Builder’s Merchant, with special VAT haggling feature, Beyblades by Gillette, Careless Bears, will injure your child, hence £1.70

Garage sale, this Saturday, 33-ft home cinema, horsebox, tunnelling equipment, human remains, a grenadier, wolf cubs, kids’ nuclear-fission game, 34 tons of pomegranates, all must go, owing to extended hospital stay.

Lilies by Slazenger, ill-advised cross-branding project, also Adidas-bred wolfhounds, no reasonable offer refused, or swap for Pepsi car.

Registered pet-sitter, I will sit on your pet, £4

Large tin of fish, bought in error, will swap for Sony radio tuner.

Embarrassed silence, to hire, suit dinner party, office cocktails, small fault, slight throat-clearing, three-year guarantee to destroy your social life.

Dates, most of April, May, June, August still available, also late September, 5th October, Thanksgiving, available individually or in lucky bag, enclose s.a.e and large cheque to cover administration.

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Comments by other Members

Account Closed at 19:59 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
These are killers, Audiman! There are traces of your previous small ads here but that makes them all the more funny. Have you ever thought of proposing these to a radio programme?


Audiman at 20:05 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
The radio show does not exist that...

Sue H at 20:13 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
Excellent! I particularly like the 250ft of glittering and the large tin of fish. Very funny!

crowspark at 21:24 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
If there were a competition to attract bizare adverts, www.ebaygollybadges.co.uk you would win it for you.
Very funny.

Elsie at 21:26 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
Love it!

Amos at 22:27 on 07 December 2004  Report this post
What is this!

Madness, utter madness! Made me laugh. Made me read it again, and then laugh some more!

It's the kind of nonsense you knock out on an e-mail to a mate... if you're a comedy genius.

Hassle somebody like th Guardian Weekend section because this stuff pisses on their so-called humour.

I liked it by the way.


Dee at 08:29 on 08 December 2004  Report this post
Very very funny, Audi.

I love the ‘glittering’ and the dog named George…

I’m sure you could persuade a paper or a magazine to run a series of these.


Audiman at 10:46 on 08 December 2004  Report this post
Cheers, folks. Missed one off, actually:

Ill-advised cross-breeding project - cobrador for immediate sale, please be quick.

Account Closed at 10:50 on 08 December 2004  Report this post
Beyblades by Gillette! LOL!

Jubbly at 20:41 on 09 December 2004  Report this post
This brilliant Audiman, really laughed loads. Do some reserch on Humour mags and submit but make sure you copyright first. Alternatively, I think a self published \Zine/Gazette could be your entree.

Great stuff


paul53 [for I am he] at 15:29 on 28 February 2005  Report this post
Excellent stuff.

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