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by CAN 

Posted: 21 December 2004
Word Count: 108

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Just Man.
Man errupted and corrupted
fullfiled pages of history told
only he who invented sword
in his hands pretends to defend
but evil pushed him to offend

Deism and unknown are no way
fellowers,technology is our abey
in which distances are reduced
to become one spot in univers
even nature becomes his subway
Inventions made world a tree
where branches raise high free
what sweet fruits she gives!

A bad worm fissured to feed
no choice to avoid she bleed
we fear one day there is no seed
collective hope we must feel indeed
Man is first and last real shade
whatever was his blood and creed

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Comments by other Members

old friend at 10:30 on 22 December 2004  Report this post

I am the last person to claim any abilities in commenting on Poetry. However you, as a Poet, have a responsibility to ensure that every single word you use is the 'correct' word and the one you want to use. I say this for I know that many Poets use either incorrect words in a 'correct' manner or correct words in an 'incorrect' manner, to achieve the visual or emotional reaction they are trying to convey.

However may I suggest that you read every single word for I make the following comments:-
'errupted' has only one 'r'.
'univers' should have an 'e' at the end.
I do not understand the word 'abey'.

May I just add that I thought this was very good and I can see 'where you're coming from'! I do hope some of our Poets on the WW site take a look and give their comments. Welcome to WW.


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