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Beanstalks and Lies

by scousekittykat 

Posted: 21 December 2004
Word Count: 802
Summary: The story of Jack and the Beanstalk from the Giant's perspective

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Beanstalks and Lies

It’s time to put the record straight. For too long mention the words ‘Jack’ and ‘beanstalk’ in the same sentence and all you’ll end end up with is a pack of lies. I’m sick and tired of it, I really am. So, here it is what really happened. Prepare yourself, there are a few shocks along the way.

Things had been going fairly well for quite a while. From my goose that laid golden eggs to the harp that played for me whenever I so wished, life was good. Of course, all that changed when that theiving brat, Jack, turned up on my doorstep. The first thing I knew of it was when my housekeeper comes stomping her way into my room, fretting her little head off.
“Master, master! Some young scallywag’s had it off with them there harp!”
I bolted out of bed after him, causing a mini earthquake as I did so. Pushing the fallen chairs and broken ornaments out of the way, I made for the door.

When I got outside there was no sign of him. Now, here’s a great example of a lie against me. The papers clamied that I was going eat him, me! Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m a strict vegetarian. Sure, I could smell that he’d been around, a horrid mix of sweets, mud and cod liver oil. And yeah, I shouted a few things, but only to scare him. The very thought of putting flesh in my mouth makes my skin crawl. Give me a nice tofu curry any day of the week.

Troll Security Limited were contacted immediately, there was no way I was going to allow that to happen again. Despite their lack of height and faces that resemble a run in with a baseball bat, these guys are the best there is and I knew it was the only way I would feel secure. They couldn’t fit me in straight away but I booked them anyway. What else could I do? I wasn’t about to have my bread and butter nicked as well was I?

I took to sleeping next to the goose, always on alert. Well, apart from the several times I fell asleep that is and I had to eat right? Neither was I about to wet my undies either. Anyway, I come back from visiting the little giant’s room and there he was, bold as brass, running out the door with my bird squawking under his arm! Who did he think he was, Robin bleeding Hood? With a roar of fury I ran after him, he wasn’t going to get away this time.

When I got outside I spied him heading for the cliffs. What was he going to do, chuck himself off? What’s the point in stealing if you then go and top yourself? My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw him next, scrambling down a bloody brilliant beanstalk! It put my prize winning sunflowers to shame, I can tell you! A mane of curly hair disappeared through the clouds and I made my mind up there and then, there was no way on Giantopia that he was pulling the goose over my eyes. However, rage soon evaporated to being bloody knackered once I started the descent. I really should have been going the gym more,but you know how it is. You fork out a bleeding fortune in membership then never go, it’s the most accepted way of losing (or rather not) weight. Sweat was running down my back when I heard it; an awful booming, creaking sound. I grabbed on for dear life as the plant began to tilt. The little bleeder had only gone and chopped the thing down with me on it! With an almighty scream, that was apparently heard through eight counties, I headed south towards the ground.

Jack made out afterwards that he’d actually killed me, Jack the Giant Killer they were calling him. He got quite a few gigs out of it and a lucrative sponsership deal with Ye Olde Cola. He could definately never complain about being poor again, not that that stopped him thieving, mind. Turns out he got a real buzz from stealing and he ended up doing two years in the slammer for armed robbery.

And as for me? I spent a month in hospital recupirating from my injuries. They had to give me an entire ward to myself, there was no way I was going to fit in one of them little poxy beds. It wasn’t all doom and gloom though. I got a book deal and a chat show from it and am now in the top ten of highest earners! Now if I could just stop wasting it on birds I’d be set!

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Comments by other Members

Nell at 08:09 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Hi kittykat, and welcome to WriteWords. This is a great idea, with lots of good lines - I laughed aloud at 'the little giants room'. We know immediately what's happening, what the story is about, yet I think I'd have liked to wonder for a bit before cottoning on. If the story began at 'When I got outside there was no sign of him...' the sentence about sleeping with the goose would come as a lovely moment of revelation, or at least a hint to be confirmed later, although you might have to adjust the title for that to work. Alternatively you could retain the parts about the housekeeper as they set the mood, but be non-specific about what has been taken. Just an idea - see what others think. A couple of typos below. This must be for adults with all the sweary language, yet it would work beautifully for children with a little adjustment.

theiving (thieving)

...that I was going (to) eat him...

...I really should have been going (to) the gym more...

definately (definitely)

recupirating (recuperating)

You could check the punctuation by reading aloud - there were a couple of commas that IMO might have been better as full stops.

I like the ambiguity of the last sentence!


Shani at 15:02 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Hi - I thought this was really funny and it's great to have a well known story turned on its head. I liked the pace of the writing.

DerekH at 15:25 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Hi ScouseKitty, I thought this was a nice angle to tell the story from. Good idea.

There are a few mistakes in there, I notice Nell pointed out some, I think it's well worth re-reading it and fixing the errors. I enjoyed it, and I think with a good polish it would be a wonderful take on the old tale.

All the best,


scousekittykat at 19:05 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Ah every one is so nice! I was expecting quite harsh feedback actually. While I am doing Creative Writing as part of my degree to have strangers critique my work was quite daunting. But I'm so glad you like it! Spelling has never been a wonderful thing for me so I might get others to read it before uploading. There is another story on the way although this is much darker. I hope you like that too!

DerekH at 19:24 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Yes everyone is very cool here. If you snoop around the site and comment on other people's work you will probably find you'll get lots more people reading your stuff and helping you out etc.

It's worth joing WW and getting involved...


Dee at 19:49 on 22 December 2004  Report this post

Kittykat, welcome indeed. This is a talented start. I can only echo what the others have said already. Nell has spotted the typos so I didn’t worry about noting them.

So many good lines but I particularly liked these:

Give me a nice tofu curry any day of the week.
Yummy… me too!

little giant’s room

Are you planning a series? Little Red Riding Hood from the wolf’s POV? Snow White by the wicked Queen?


Anj at 20:20 on 22 December 2004  Report this post
Scousekitty (love that moniker),

I can't add anything to other crits above, but loved this.

Favourite line - "Turns out he got a real buzz from stealing and he ended up doing two years in the slammer for armed robbery."

Serves the little b*****d right.


bjlangley at 08:52 on 23 December 2004  Report this post
Hi scousekittykat, this is a great concept, and there are some utterly fantastic lines in here, most of which have been highlighted already.

Welcome to the site, and I look forward to reading more.

All the best,


Tuppence at 23:14 on 01 February 2005  Report this post
loved it
used 2 make up stories or alter them in my own fashion when i was teaching

Tuppence at 12:22 on 05 February 2005  Report this post
s.d spelling
just read again brilliant!

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