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To Lowestoft - A Ballad

by Zettel 

Posted: 23 December 2004
Word Count: 589
Summary: Need some help folks. Thought I'd enter this for the BBC competition. But I've got to lose 2 stanzas. Any thoughts? And does it qualify as a ballad? Punctuation?


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To Lowestoft - A Ballad (Shortened)


From The Darkness
and the first bright rays
of every English day
Lowestoft has emerged
from its quiet anonymity
into a strange celebrity

Gone its history of herring girls and gulls
and stubbled stubborn weather-hardened men
snatching from the unforgiving sea
its sheening shimmering silver lode
sometimes paying nature's tithe of death
the market price of fish the sea demands

Deckie learners clad in suits of every hue
pink and lime and post-box red
yellow tartans peacock blue
would swagger proud the wind-chilled streets
drinking brawling back to the calling sea
don't mess with us - for this is what we do.

Fifty-thousand cran each year once streamed
in floodlit silver falls of light
boxed and iced throughout the night
defying nature's rotting hands of time
by road and rail the salty spoils dispersed
racing each to reach the fickle market first

Lowestoft also sold the friendly sea
sometime sunshine buckets spades and ice cream cones
Wakes weeks wanderers like northern swallows called
every year every week every digs the same
mum and dad and skirt-clasped knickered Grannies came
for beer, bingo, rolled up trousered men, and a pick-up football game

These steady strong withstanding Suffolk folk
No trace of sentimentality or voiced complaint
Seek new ways to share the simple beauty of their place
And from a proud hard-working honest yesterday
Carve a future from market forces granite face
For when The Darkness melts away.

Zettel

(Original)

From The Darkness
and the first bright rays
of every English day
Lowestoft has emerged
from its quiet anonymity
into a strange celebrity

Gone its history of herring girls and gulls
and stubbled stubborn weather-hardened men
snatching from the unforgiving sea
its sheening shimmering silver lode
sometimes paying nature's tithe of death
the market price of fish the sea demands

Deckie learners clad in suits of every hue
pink and lime and postbox red
yellow tartans peacock blue
would swagger proud the wind-chilled streets
drinking brawling back to the calling sea
don't mess with us - for this is what we do.

Fifty-thousand cran each year once streamed
in floodlit silver falls of light
boxed and iced throughout the night
defying nature's rotting hands of time
by road and rail the salty spoils dispersed
racing each to reach the fickle market first

As the ghosts of silent sepia pictured fleets
still berth disgorge and set sail again
a man remembers childhood's Sunday market trawl
to scavenge without let or cost his free bait
of wasteless herring to set a fish to catch a fish
from the beach with trace and lead to hook a private haul

Lowestoft also sold the friendly sea
sometime sunshine buckets spades and ice cream cones
Wakes weeks wanderers like northern swallows called
every year every week every digs the same
mum and dad the kids and even granny came
for beer and bingo cockles whelks and a pick-up football game

Now like a fortress the chain-linked steel clad market stands
Strictly ticketed tourists take the formal guided tours
the perfect white-sand beach deserted in the easting wind
remembers better crowded child-filled times
Professor Jingles' Punch, the new show on the pier
Rolled up trousered men and skirt-clasped knickered Grans

These steady strong withstanding folk
No trace of sentimentality or voiced complaint
Seek new ways to share the simple beauty of their place
And from a proud hard-working honest yesterday
Carve a future from market forces granite face
For when The Darkness melts away.

Zettel






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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 12:04 on 24 December 2004  Report this post
There's a dearth of comments this Christmas Eve. But I've printed out your poem and will get back to you. Have to say I don't quite understand the BBC competition. They're not clear as to what they're looking for - a ballad, which would be in four-line stanzas or similar regular form, or a narrative poem in any verse form. Where they define a ballad as a narrative poem, that's not actually correct. This is starting to sound very pedantic, but I felt it should have been a little clearer - even just to say you can interpret 'ballad' very freely. I think we can just assume that's what they mean, and have a go. 'Narrative' - a story or history of the town, 'ballad' - either a strict ballad or a free, modern version of a ballad.

More to follow - on the poem itself. How to get it down to the word limit?

James.

Zettel at 18:59 on 24 December 2004  Report this post
James

Please don't feel bound to respond over the holiday, I have until the 31st to submit it and it was only because I thought The Darkness might appeal to them that I thought of putting it up. Though I am glad for the excuse as I have wanted for some time to try to capture something of Lowestoft's lost past in a poem.

My current thinking for the submission would be not to worry to much about the 'ballad' issue; and I think it probably works well enough without punctuation (though Howard might disagree!) I am working on a version which cuts stanzas 5 and 7 but relocates 'rolled-up trousered men' and 'knickered Grans' in the remainder.

I would welcome your comments but there is a fair bit of time and it really is above and beyond etc...... I can just go for it. I have the poem after all which is the only really important thing.

Regards

Zettel

James Graham at 10:42 on 26 December 2004  Report this post
I had vaguely thought stanzas 5 and 7 might be the ones to lose (since needs must, you have to lose something). 5 is the one that seems to wander off a little; 7 would be more painful to amputate. Try to keep the best of the concrete images. My trouble with this is I don't mind cutting for myself but hate doing it for competition line-limits. Hold on to the 'director's cut' whatever you do.

James.

Zettel at 14:11 on 26 December 2004  Report this post
James

Thanks so much for taking the time. I'm not really into comptetions and for me the real poem is the original, with any improvements I can make to that. On the other hand the competition provided a spur to try something I'd always wanted to do anyway. Plus it can be useful to submit something to critical examination for its own sake: as you only too well know.

Thanks again

Peace

Zettel

James Graham at 10:59 on 27 December 2004  Report this post
That's right: competitions and even submission to editors act as a stimulus. It's like putting a horse to the cart. The main thing is it helps you to get the poem done.

If you want to post a revision I'll try to go into it in a bit of detail. (That is, if there's anything to criticise!)

James.

Zettel at 00:38 on 28 December 2004  Report this post
James
Still conscious of it being holiday time.

However I have posted my proposed shortened version which meets the words limit. Happy for any comments on either.

Thanks

Zettel

James Graham at 19:43 on 28 December 2004  Report this post
This immediately looks better - more focused. But I'll get back to you some time tomorrow.

James.

Ticonderoga at 10:39 on 29 December 2004  Report this post
Good piece - strong echoes of Dylan Thomas; sometimes, though, I feel there are too many words & (I can talk!) a bit too much aliteration: 'stubborn, stubbbled' I like very much, but, as an example, feel the 'sheening, shimmering' line might be a little too much - have you tried speaking it!? A lovely fish, but, to me, one that needs a bit of descaling before consumption.


Best,

Mike


James Graham at 11:40 on 29 December 2004  Report this post
No harm done, sending it to the BBC. But 'tales of local heroes, infamous rogues or just the chippy on the high street'? In Scotland we call this 'kailyard' - twee, parish-pump provincialism. Your poem doesn't come into that category at all, but makes the local town represent something broader; represent a part of shared human experience and history - the universality of fishing, and the tough obduracy of the men involved in it. 'Don't mess with us - for this is what we do'.

Your poem has a ballad 'ring' to it. It has the traditional ballad's grand gesture - 'paying nature's tithe of death'; 'drinking brawling back to the calling sea'. It reminds me too, in a general way, of the film 'Akenfield', its retrieval of the experience of a generation (or more), its consciousness of change as it affects a community, and the need to make the best of a changed world which is materially richer but seems culturally poorer. You're in the same key as 'Akenfield'. Or Ewan McColl's 'Shoals of Herring.' As I say, there would be no harm in sending it to the BBC but I've a feeling that what they're looking for is something rather more folksy and superficial. But I could be wrong!

James.

Zettel at 11:56 on 30 December 2004  Report this post
James

Thanks for the comments. Perfect balance: when I don't win I can pretend to myself it wasn't superficial enough. I jest.

Seriously thanks again.

All the best for the New Year

Z

Zettel at 12:12 on 30 December 2004  Report this post
Mike

You're probably right. Aliteration is a technique, like salt, better used sparingly, and I usually manage to avoid overdoing it. This one just came out that way. As for the words, that is probably partly the result of squeezing what I had into 250 words, instead of carefully editing the original, which was also written with a limit in mind. Even an echo of DT is to be cherished

Thanks

Z


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