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His dark secret - Chapter 1

by Bav Dav 

Posted: 05 January 2005
Word Count: 1545
Summary: This is my first shot at a novel, and this is my first chapter. Any feedback gratefully recieved. It has a dodgy opening page.


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


He sits and thinks, and thinks. Thinking is easy, so he thinks some more.

After a fair bit of thinking he stands and walks, after a fair bit of walking, he finds that he's thinking again, he stops.

He hasn't gone very far.

But he's there.

He's here.

It hit him like a fly on a windscreen, not a huge splat, he hadn't been thinking at full speed after all, but certainly an audible splodge, enough to stop him thinking, enough to make him realise.

Carlos Bohemios is of average height and a little overweight. He is not well travelled but has holidayed in the sun since he was 7 years old. He makes his living by selling his labour to the council, in the housing department. He likes to drink with his colleagues on a Friday but doesn't actually like many of them. He likes to drink at home, he likes Pimms, people don't know this. He reads Science Fiction novels and surfs the internet for porn, he has no preferred fetish. He craves excitement but is scared of it. Girls like him but he thinks they don't. He still hasn't figured out who sent him the disc but he has figured out exactly what he needs to do with it. Carlos Bohemios isn't his real name.

His real name is Robert.

It's Saturday.

He's in the stairwell of his tenement flat in his pants thinking about flies on his windscreen. Mrs Jackson from upstairs is not impressed, she tuts loudly as she passes him with her messages. She can't resist looking at his packet though, she's a tortured soul. She'll take this out on her cat, poor Mr Fluffington.

The disc. That's why he's here, on the stairs, tipping his neighbour into repressed sexual turmoil. He got this disc in the post 3 days ago. At first he thought it was a joke, but he didn't get it. It had taken him until now to work out that it couldn't possibly be a joke because there was nothing even remotely funny about it. A disc with a bunch of blank word documents, addressed to him with a telephone number and a wad of £10 notes, it's just not comedy.

At 7.00 a.m on Wednesday morning the postman buzzed, Robert sat up, looked confused, turned "off" his alarm and slowly stumbled to the front door.

"Hello," he slurred

"Postman," said the voice on the intercom. He had no reason to doubt it.

The postman, he decided, was a cunt. He consistently buzzed Robert and not any of the other residents of his piss-scented stairwell. He resented the responsibility of allowing the postman in to deliver mail to the entire block. Did no-one else care about their post? Did they not want letters? Sod them. But what if they didn't get their bills? He hated the responsibility but couldn't bear thinking that one of his neighbours might get cut off.

He waited by the door. The cunt postman came and pushed some letters through the letterbox. Bastard!

There were three envelopes. One was his telephone bill and one was from Readers Digest exclaiming that he was lucky enough to have made it through to the money-spinning second round of a Cash Prize Draw. He could win a car! The third envelope clattered on the floor.

Envelopes didn't normally clatter on Roberts floor. Clattering envelopes were the domain of businessmen receiving free pens with their name on them, or hobbyists who order bits of obscure models which inexplicably hadn't been included in their 1967 Vulcan bomber scale replica.

Maybe he had got a pen. He allowed himself to become excited for a few moments, a pen with his name on would be cool.

It wasn't a pen, it was a disc. And a phone number. And £270 in £10 notes.

He was surprised it had clattered. The money was pretty good padding to be honest. The edge of the disc jutted out just a little at the end of the wad, it must have landed on this end producing the clattering noise which had sent him wistfully of into the realms of personalised pen ownership.

Couldn't be for him. That was his logical first thought. It must be for someone else on the shared stairwell. Mail often got mixed up and delivered to the wrong flat. It was probably for the young speccy guy on the second floor. He looked like the type that would get discs delivered to him. Robert couldn't decide whether to keep the money. The speccy lad would just think it got lost in the post. These are risks you take when you get people to send you money. He'd just have to take it on the chin. Robert deserved it anyway, really. He was the one who always let the postcunt in, without him no-one would ever get any mail. This would be like his wages for being the bastard postman letter inner. The very nature of this job though would make him the first port of call when speccy came looking for his loot. Wasn't worth it really. Robert resolved to drop it round to him on the way out when he went to work.

This would be daft though, seeing as it was addressed to Robert Andrews, 17(flat 5) Polwarth Terrace, Edinburgh. That, quite plainly, was his address, and his name. The intriguing parcel was for him.

What do you do when you get sent something like this? Phoning the number would be a good start. It was a mobile phone number. He hated phoning mobile phones from his land line. In fact he hated mobile phones, he didn't have one and he never missed it. If he was out and about doing his thing he didn't want to be contactable, he was a free spirit, didn't want to be burdened.

He didn't get out much.

He rang the number.

"beep bop bee bop bop bee bee bop beep bop bop," went the phone.

"brrp brrp," went the phone, a few times.

"Robert," went the phone, "do you know that it's 7 in the morning?"

Not a familiar voice. A nice voice, but not familiar. A womans voice. A nice, unfamiliar womans voice. He kind of liked it.

"Ummm, I got your parcel, I think there has been some sort of a mix up, I.....who is this?"

"I'm the person who has just sent you two hundred and seventy quid"

Factually correct as that statement was, it didn't really get him anywhere. He had this part of the story pretty much straight. He really wanted an answer to the 'who is this?' bit. He could tell she was English though, or posh Edinburgh. Actually more likely to be posh Edinburgh but to be honest he didn't really care. He wanted to know who she was.

"Thanks, but I'm sure that there's been a mistake. Why have you sent me two hundred and seventy quid? And who are you?"

"I'm........yo.......me..........twenty f...............ill there?"

Robert hated mobile phones. How predictably dramatic, he receives a strange parcel and when he is being told about it the phone mysteriously cuts out. Why didn't this mystery unfamiliar nice voice just put a note in with the money and the disc?

"You're cutting out."

"-"

"Are you still there?"

"-"

"Bugger."

He rang back but just got her voicemail. She sounded sexy on the message. He sort of imagined how she might look. Tall and dark, or short and dark, or blonde. Curvy or flat chested. He decided he didn't care, she sounded sexy, he liked her. Maybe they'd met sometime when he was drunk. When was the last time he went to a party? Or to a nightclub? Hmmmm.

He probably hadn't met her. Maybe online? Unlikely, he didn't really do the chatting with strangers over the internet thing. All seemed a bit creepy to him. The chances were that all these people were lying to each other and falling in virtual love with each others completely falsified personas. He was impressed that this was definitely a woman though. He kind of wished he had met her on the internet now. He resolved to try and chat to weirdo strangers more often. But for now he thought he'd better check the disc.

After a pause for a pleasant shit followed by a cup of coffee and some Golden Grahams, Robert sat down in front of his steam powered P90 PC. State of the art when he bought it, he had to get a one and a half grand loan to get it, on bad terms due to his dodgy credit history. He used to play all the top games that his mates couldn't run on their 486's; it was the dogs bollocks. Now it was pants. It did have a CD drive though, he used this to put the first disc in.

He double-clicked on his D: drive. “Error! This is disc is not readable” or something. What's all that about? He'd seen this recently though, it meant something, something the IT technician at work had known that time he tried to open a disc that a friend had sent him. What the hell was it again?

He remembered.

It was a Mac disc. Great!






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Comments by other Members



roger at 20:31 on 05 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Barry, and welcome to WW. I like this. I like it a lot. It's an intriguing start to a novel and you have an interesting, original style...a voice of your own. Some good humour, too. There are one or two typos (eg - 'fee spirit') that an edit will easily sort out, and in several places you had commas where full-stops should be. Also, you need to sort out your dialogue puntuation - basic, easily sorted stuff. Yup, I like it. I think you've got something here.

Bav Dav at 22:22 on 05 January 2005  Report this post
Thanks Roger. Reading it back I can see the problem with the dialogue punctuation, not sure where that happened. I am also playing around with full stops and commas a bit. Maybe a bit too much, still I really ought to tighten up there.

Thanks for the positive comment, it's appreciated, I'm glad you like it. My own thoughts are that I could lighten up the swearing a bit and re-write the opening few paragraphs as they're rubbish.

roger at 06:44 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Hi again Barry....personally, I see no problem with the swearing; it seemed to fit the character, and re the first few paras - for what it's worth, for me, they worked well; they made me smile.

Nell at 08:08 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Bav,

Welcome to WriteWords. I read this last night but needed to think a bit about the C word before commenting. Like Roger I was pulled into the piece; the first few paras felt fresh, original, lively and engaging. Speaking personally I find the C word something of a verbal assault in this context, although I can understand that it says much about your character. I think you could cut a few instances and still retain your character's mindset, but see what others think. I like your writing style and the odd quirks and questions raised about Carlos/Robert. A damned good start I think.

Nell.

Heckyspice at 09:15 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Barry

Welcome to the site. I like the basic set up here, a mystery parcel is always an engaging way to open a story. I was not sure about the style changing from a voiceover to Robert's POV. I think you could modify the first few paras to keep with the style toward the end of the chapter.

You could condense the opening paras and keep some information from us. The way Robert reacts later in the chapter gives us the insight into his character. The way he thinks about the pen or the postman is nicely observed. We may not need to have it all mapped out at the beginning.

How important is the Carlos identity? I am not sure but this seemed to be a throwaway line. Is it connected to his internet surfing or is it his Walter Mitty/Billy Liar daydream? I like the name, it sounds like it would be used by a dancer from Brutus Gold's Love Train (A popular Leeds Seventies Night).

Best wishes,

david

Bav Dav at 09:38 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Thanks David, useful feedback.

The name is a key part of the story, it's tied up with the story and will become clear later.

Bav Dav at 10:30 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
I've changed the punctuation in the speech. Can someone with a more formal eye have a look and let me know if it's OK now?

roger at 10:36 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
That's fine, Barry/

Bav Dav at 10:47 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Ta

Grinder at 11:20 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Barry,
Welcome aboard, I remember my first post…
So, you can take it eh? He He, he says, cracking his knuckles.

First up, and probably the most important point is that I liked this, I wanted to read it. I like the style, I thought it unusual and yet accessible enough not to put me off.

Now for a few details, not much to cry about really…


It took him until now to work out that it couldn't possibly be a joke because there was nothing even remotely humorous about it.

Maybe funny instead of humorous. For some reason I snagged on humourous, it made me stop and think, then again that might just be me.


"Postman," said the voice on the intercom. He had no reason to doubt it.

I think this line should be split, again its personal I suppose.


The cunt postman came and pushed some letters through the letterbox. Bastard!

The first use of ‘cunt’ is good, very shocking and insightful. But don’t overuse it, the above sentence doesn’t need it, the Bastard has it covered. I think this sort of thing is fine, it’s powerful, but use it too much and the word loses its sting.


After a pleasant pause for a shit

Again a personal thing but I think this would read better like this:
After a pause for a pleasant shit


Well that’s it, let me reiterate, this is good stuff, and I want to read more. I hope my comments were helpful.

Thanks for posting.

Grinder




Jumbo at 18:23 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Barry

Hi - and welcome to WW.

I enjoyed this - and left it wanting to know more - about your strange character and the female who sent him the cash and the discs!

But a couple of points. (You did ask for this.)

I found that some of your punctuation detracted from the flow of the story. There are several instances where what are apparently complete sentences are strung together with commas. I'm sorry, but this would put me off reading anything of greater length. (Sorry! You did ask!)

Why is "off" (as in turn "off") in quote marks?

The word 'cunt' does nothing for this piece. It seems comletely out of context - and inappropriate, in my opinion. Why does Robert use this word, in particular, to describe the postman?

each others completely I think has an apostrophe missing.

a pleasant puase for a shit What makes a pause pleasant?

Great writing, Barry. And I look forward to reading more.

All the best

jumbo



FX at 19:52 on 06 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Bav,

Terrific opening section (just remember - it gets harder from now on!). It really drew me in. Personally, I don't think you overused the "cunt" (if you'll pardon the expression). For better or worse, people, particularly men, tend to talk and think like that. It is a very masculine, muscular piece of writing. I hope you can keep up the potency for the rest of the work.

Specifics - Heckyspice suggests you modify the first few paragraphs. My advice would be to simply cut them altogether and start at the paragraph beginning "Carlos Bohemios is of average height..." I don't see any need for what went before, and frankly didn't understand it. Obscure openings being a speciality of mine, I know what I'm talking about.

You have a great talent for active exposition: it really is terribly difficult to write a paragraph of pure description, as you did in describing Carlos/Robert and actually make it interesting. You've managed it.

I don't know how much of the book you've mapped out, but you've thown us an intriguing plot opener - be sure you know exactly where you're going with this, because I don't think it's the kind of thing which will write itself, and it can be very easy to get bogged down in plot twists which are only thrown in "deux ex machina".

In short, after such a storming opening section, DON'T disappoint your readers!

FX

Bav Dav at 06:23 on 07 January 2005  Report this post
Thanks Guys,

I'm very pleased that you liked it. I've not shared any of my writing for a long time so this was a bit of a leap of faith. I'm polishing this up at the moment so expect a buffed version soon.

In terms of having a plot mapped out, I have it pretty much all in my head and have actually written much of chapter 2. When I buy the full memebrship I will post that for your perusal.

Jumbo, in response to some of your specific points:

[qoute]Why is "off" (as in turn "off") in quote marks?[/qoute]
His alarm wasn't ringing, it was the doorbell that woke him up. On re-reading I think it's a bit weak.

[qoute]The word 'cunt' does nothing for this piece. It seems comletely out of context - and inappropriate, in my opinion. Why does Robert use this word, in particular, to describe the postman?[/qoute]
He really doesn't like the postman!

[qoute]a pleasant puase for a shit What makes a pause pleasant?[/qoute]
Point taken.

Bav Dav at 11:05 on 12 January 2005  Report this post
OK, I've touched up this chapter. Thanks for the tips guys. I'd better get chapter 2 finished now.

B

DerekH at 11:38 on 12 January 2005  Report this post
Barry, I enjoyed this very much and sailed through the 1546 words without anything interupting the flow.

I reckon you have something good here. There are some typos, but just stuff you'll find when you comb through it... and I liked your use of the swear-words including "C*nt". The way you used them seemed natural and in character, and funny.

This bit felt wrong -

This would be daft though, seeing as it was addressed to Robert Andrews, 17(flat 5) Polwarth Terrace, Edinburgh. That, quite plainly, was his address, and his name


It read more like an afterthought on your part, rather than the character's.

Loved it though, and you already have me wanting to know what's going on...

Derek.



PaulaBlake at 13:58 on 13 January 2005  Report this post
Hi Bav Dav

Well, as someone starting out on her first novel I was intrigued to read this. I thought it was well written, and like one or two others here I wondered why off was written "off" in regards to the alarm, buti realised you dont actually turn it off, you mute it. Anyway i liked the way you used the word 'cunt' the first time, it startles you, and also in the context of 'postcunt' i thought that was really funny (I hope it was meant to be?) and exactly the way some of my friends speak. I liked the details, like the surfing for porn, internet chat, the mobile detail etc.

A great way to end a chapter too, leaves you wanting more!

I cant wait for the next installment, which I think I have seen you post so i will go have a read!

well done!
Paula

Anj at 17:00 on 13 January 2005  Report this post
Bav,

I haven't read the previous comments, so apologies if I duplicate.

I think this is just wonderful. You've a really original voice that's filled with charm and humour, but sharp too. Your MC I found really appealing, three-dimensional.

Detailed comments all IMHO -

I loved your opening lines, fresh, original and witty; although "After a fair bit of thinking he stands and walks, after a fair bit of walking, he finds that he's thinking again, he stops." - I think it needs to be "he stops" to make sense.

Not sure about the quick-bio beginning "Carlos ...". So obviously telling-not-showing that you might just have pulled it off. My jury's still out on that one

But love the way you inject the mystery (about the disc) quick to get us agog. Also love "Carlos Bohemios isn't his real name. His real name is Robert." Difficult to get great timing into writing, but somehow you've done it.

Really confused here - "He's in the stairwell of his tenement flat in his pants thinking about flies on his windscreen." You mean he's stood on the stairwell in nothing but his pants? In which case he's idly walked out of his flat? In which case, where is "there/here"? It might all become clear to me in a moment (I critique as I read, sorry) but it needs to be clear to the reader now.

Love Mrs Jackson and Mr Fluffington, but think that sentence needs normal punctuation. If it was an experiment, to me (sorry), it didn't work, just confusing. Similarly, "it's just not comedy" - changing "it's" to "is" would make it easier to read (I'm aware you might be experimenting with language, but for me those touches didn't work).

The flashback starting "At 7.00 a.m on Wednesday morning the postman" I'd put into whatever that past tense is that goes, for example, "the postman had buzzed", to make it easier for us to distinguish this is flashback.

Loved "The postman, he decided, was a cunt." Put us inside his head for the first time, where we'd been observers before. I like the "cunt" - if it were me, I'd stick with it and replace "Bastard" with "Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!"

Like that Robert/Carlos hates his neighbours but is too soft to see them disconnected.

I love your little detours into Vulcan models etc - I usually find them tiresome in writing, forced, but you pull it off effortlessly. Okay, there are so many fab little touches in here that I loved I'll shut up about them. That doesn't mean though that there aren't anymore ...

"The edge of the disc jutted out ... fantasy land." for me was a bit long-winded and unnecessary. I'd just stick with the edge of the disc must have been sticking out ...

Love the way that although Robert cares his neighbours don't get cut off, he's not so pure-driven that he wouldn't consider keeping the money - he's becoming three-dimensional now.

I'd excise "Factually correct as that statement was, it didn't really get him anywhere. He had this part of the story pretty much straight. He really wanted an answer to the 'who is this?' bit." Detracted from the suspense of the moment, rather than heightened it.

Love that he's wistful about women, and the way you've slipped in lots of show-not-tell details like his dodgy credit history.

Picky but "It did have a CD drive though, he used this to put the first disc in." Could it be "which" or "and" for flow?

But overall, just great. When I can find time, will go read Chapter 2.

Take care
Andrea



<Added>

Incidentally, having now read it all I realise you can't do the entire flashback in "the postman had buzzed ...", so the reader will just have to use his nous

<Added>

Reading other's comments, I find others will disagree I say to use it more. Ah well. For me, using the word cunt more makes it funny, rather than it losing its sting, but that might well just be me. (I don't think it's my imagination that in Scotland (my husband is Scottish and we used to live in Edinburgh) "cunt" is a word used more freely in Scotland than England?)

<Added>

My comment "I think it needs to be "he stops" to make sense." makes no sense at all. should say "so he stops"


Bav Dav at 09:28 on 14 January 2005  Report this post
Wow, thanks Anj, high praise indeed.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm off to buy a bigger hat to fit my swelled head.

B

Cornelia at 14:18 on 02 February 2005  Report this post
I was a bit worried about the grammar; read on and you'll find out why. Sentence punctuation seems to be the main problem. I liked the start, and the idea of a council employee thinking of himself as Carlos Bohemios, but as soon as I got to the landady and Mr Fluffington I felt offended - a too-glib dismissal of an elderly female, or stereotype, although I know what you mean about some women and cats. I have a friend with two little yappy dogs, and she calls them 'the girls'!! However, this wasn't so bad as the bit where the man starts musing and wondering what the girl on the 'phone looks like. Another problem is the mix of register or vocabulary styles. I think he sould be either crude or sophisticated, not both, or you should make it clear which is the authorial voice and which his. It sounds as if the author is saying the character had a pleasant shit, so it seems to me it should be clearer that this is the way the character thinks. I like the idea otherwise of these physical pleasures all lumped together, to make us thing the Carlos is a sensual character lacking the means to express this side of his nature. I didn't read as far as the 'cunt' other people remarked on. I guess you are not writing for elderly females so I had better shut up now. However, as an ex-teacher (how did you guess?) I think my comments on sentence structure are valid.

Bav Dav at 14:56 on 02 February 2005  Report this post
Hi Cornelia,

Thanks for your comments. I never said that Mrs Jackson was an elderly lady or that she was his landlady. That was a leap that you made yourself.

Also, regarding the mix of styles. It was purposeful, I want to be vague about the voice. As I have mentioned before, the grammar and sentance structure were deliberate as well. I think it's still readable although I can see why it would upset the purists.

It's a shame you never felt you could finish reading before commenting. I think it gets a little easier to read.

As for not writing for elderly females, I never set out with any particualr audience in mind.

Cheers,

B


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