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Reality Gets A Lobotomy (Part III)

by laurafraser 

Posted: 31 January 2005
Word Count: 187
Summary: RE previous comments made by the fabulous people who read part I and II have taken into account whats been said, after part III only one more part so am uploading unammended work and will rework it seriously at a later date. Again, whoever dares read-thank-you! xlaura


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Marvellous moments miss millions,
(or do millions miss those marvellous moments)?
But there is a girl walking through the paddock drinking pink red wine
And behind her crawls a lioness too afraid to make her leap.
But slowly now, you have grown weary now
And so rest and be quite still,
Slowly now, you have grown weary now,
And so rest and be quite still.

My wild-hearted-experience-addicted-friend
whoose plans fall on days with names:
-First, thereíll be BHM, Bank Holiday Monday,
-& oh lookie wookie ookie! ST, Shrovey wovey Tuesday,
-& ashy washy Wednesday & Maundy naundy Thursday & goody woody Friday,
(that's before a Saturday),
where we will all celebrate something.

Then oh yes!
The wonderful! The majestic! The truly increadible!
stepupstepupstepup,
Ladies and gentleman! ba bum ba bum,Ladies and gentleman!
Itís oh my god itís yes! It really is,
Treeeeeeeahhhhhh-nniiiiiii-teeeeeee Sun-day!!!

-my friend slow down, slow down,
now this is what
we are going to do
I am going to hold
Your hand and
We shall take a
Walk.
That happiness you hunger for,
That feeling youíre out looking for,
My friend,
It beats within.







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Comments by other Members



Souchong at 22:25 on 31 January 2005  Report this post
this feels more direct and concise somewhere, laura. i like the way you play with the rhythms and pace of it. this is well reflected in your choice of language and phrasing in all of the stanzas, but particularly where it controls the rising crescendo of the third stanza, and the brakes applied in the fourth one.

'Marvellous moments miss millions,
(or do millions miss those marvellous moments)?' -

wonderful opening lines.

fragrant, fresh imagery.

nice one.

souchong.




Okkervil at 16:29 on 01 February 2005  Report this post
I'm still here, albeit slightly glazed over. In my entirety. Like a big dilated pupil. That's me. This is so cool. I don't understand a lot, but maybe 'cos I'm reading it like a verbal sugar rush. It proposes so, so many points of thought and certainly sounds clever, and the you chuck in some stupid rhymes, nonsense words and manic laughs and then I'm off again into the never never. T'be honest, I liked the long rants of parts one and two, like a Beckett monalogue, but I guess I shouldn't confuse verbosity with god-like genius (though I won't speak out against it), though I agree with suggestions of a stab at editing. Says I who never re-drafts. Sometimes it has an English folk-song madness to it ('then the whale turned into the eaves of a barn and swept down on a flock of concrete balustrades') and then sometimes it's not, suffice to say I really don't know what I think and am desperately trying to think of something that sounds intelligent, but it looks like I'll have to settle with long sentences dragged out with commas and brackets and semi-colons in its; place. Arg.
I'm now moving my head away and towards the screen while crossing and uncrossing my eyes in the hope that tansfering my (not inconsiderable) magic eye and emu hypnosis techniques to what you've written in the hope that it will make more sense. Or that I'll see a mono-chrome image of a pelican standing on a piece of wood.

<Added>

'the' before 'you chuck' = then. Not that I thought about any of that. Ah. The 'Preview' button. Shall bear that in mind for part IV.

laurafraser at 15:50 on 03 February 2005  Report this post
thank-you souchong,
ther are parts of this poem that i have already pilaged to form other pieces that i have posted, but i would agree with you that it is more concise-to me feels slightly seperate to the rest of the poem-not that there is a clear flow to the whole piece anyway....!
xlaura

Okkervil,
you are awsome! It is a joy to read your comments and i thank-you for making them-and yey! that you are still here reading the poems-thank-you! there are many points to this poem that were wirring around in my head and i think one of the problems wit them is the fact that i have thrown in quite a few styles that disjoint the pece rather than add coherence to it.-but actually that was always one of my intentions, i find myself attracted to the mad and disordered in life, i wanted to use this poem as an cauldron of everything and then shake it around and scatter what arouse...i am very much still playing with forms and ideas when i write and have never been particularly good with form etc, but i wanted this piece to be a challlenge to read, because i think that, with the hope of not sounding like a complete w****r, because that is part of the experience of reading a poem-a journey of what the hells, followed by lullabies tha seductively lure you along to the following line to the oh jesus here we go again parts...
fa la la la la-it is all rather meaningless anyway, only some rather bloated ideas and concepts lethargically tredding after one another-as you can see from this comment i have a lot to learn (and oh how i want to!) in the realm of keeping things short, sweet and simple...
thanks again-and may i say what a damn troper you are if you managed to wade through this waffle!
xlaura


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