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Chimerical (revised-version II)

by laurafraser 

Posted: 07 February 2005
Word Count: 292
Summary: As advised by miffle/nikki had a little play around this morning and would be interested to see what people think of two... still needs work-feel second version is stronger in first half but loosses that strength in last third? xlaura 'samadhic bliss' refers to a meditative state known as 'samadhi' this is achieved when (at last!) one manages to silence the constant chattering of the mind and exist in a realm of consciousness that is indeed 'blissful.'

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Version I:

Howling sounds from the bracken strangled moors,
Scratch at my ears; their screaming agony
Of the vipers and the mambas, the harlots and the gremlins
Who made beauty fade away,
Is the agony that wails in the belly, tearing diseased organs to shreds
Like chunks of skin dropping from the bones
As little dew drops of poison, slink slowly towards the heart
Which just a moment ago was iridescent with rainbows and summer larks,
Bubble baths and soft pillows.
And yet chimerical are these sensations emotions:
Calmness and stillness evaporate, pass away
So suddenly, as if abandoning one
to flounder and flap in the destitute of terror -
Medusa’s snakes licking our gangrene feet
As the leeches arrive to reclaim their blood
That splatters in phlegmy puddles by those feetless fellows.
So like a lone leaf blowing down a people-less street,
Where only the rats run down
Past this ancient town,
Be in a hurry to find somewhere else.

Version II:

Howling sounds from the bracken-strangled moors,
Scratch my ears,
As the vipers and the mambas, the harlots and the gremlins
Make beauty fade away.
So now this must unfurl:
Diseased organs dissolve in my acrid bile,
Chunks of skin drop from their bones as
Dew-drops of poison slink slowly towards my heart,
That before this moment was iridescent
With the rivers’ sparkle, and samadhic bliss.
Chimerical are sensations, emotions -
Sublime stillness evaporates, passes away
So suddenly.
Medusa’s snakes licking our gangrene feet
The leeches lurching sagaciously towards skin, aroused by the blood
Coagulating in phlegmy puddles by those feetless fellows.
So like a lone leaf blowing down a people-less street,
Where only the rats run down
Past this ancient town,
Be in a hurry to find somewhere else.

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Comments by other Members

Beanie Baby at 09:02 on 08 February 2005  Report this post
This is brilliant! Much more the Laura Fraser whose work I love. Sometimes, those poems that come to you in its complete form and take you somewhat by surprise, are the best of all! I love the ebb and flow of the words, the rhythmn - almost like a sea of words. Fantastic. Your best yet.

miffle at 10:14 on 08 February 2005  Report this post
Enjoyed this Laura. The line i take away from this is:

'Like a lone leaf blowing down a people-less street'

Love the rhythm, assonance, alliteration; the line has real momentum and energy, though not it seems to me of a the leaf it describes i.e. seems a far stronger energy than that (?)

Also liked 'Howling sounds from the bracken strangled moors' fits the line above in rhythm and the 'ow' 'ou' 'oo' sounds are somewhat sinister. Very shakespearean and ominous.

Perhaps you might think about tightening the poem up (?) i.e. adjectives, adverbs - perhaps experiment with taking them out (?) see how the rhythms change (?) perhaps experiment with alternative syntax (?)


'As little dew drops of poison, slink slowly towards the heart'

or 'Dew drops of poison slink slow toward the heart' (?)

i.e. worth i think experimenting with slight changes to some lines (?) Some words may be redundant i.e. do you need 'little' to describe dew drops?

Also felt that some of your describing phrases could perhaps be lifted out (?) i.e. I personally feel that 'Howling sounds from the bracken strangled moors' suggests agony, screaming, disturbance. You capture my imagination so strongly in the first line that the next line for me personally is perhaps not needed (?): to me it feels flat in contrast to the first. I.e. i think the great potential that i see in this poem is your ability to activate the reader's imagination and on of the recurrent questions in poetry/ literature seems to me be how much to leave in/ out? Personally I don't think you need references to 'agony': torturous images work so well on the imagination.

Not sure if that makes much sense. Would be interested to know more about the genesis of this piece. I think there is much that you could do with it.

Kind regards, nikki

laurafraser at 18:41 on 08 February 2005  Report this post
Beanie-thank-you very much for your comment and for reading. is somewhat of a relief to see a positive feedback! xlaura

thank-you so much for the increadible detail that you have gone into. you are right to pick out my prediliction for 'redundant' adjectives, in poetry as in life I am constantly battling with my inate desire for hyperbole! i will have a re-look at the poem with your suggestions in my head and post what comes up.
as with your request to know more about the "genesis of this piece" other than what i wrote at the top i am afraid i am unable to elucidate further other than to say that the poetry of macbeth truly inspired me in a way that when later in the day i found myself sudenly submerged in dank unsettling feelings that i am unaccostomed to i felt the need to write in an attempt to exorcise it. so in that respect i suppose half of it is personal and of course there are slashings of artistic licence to create images of desolation and depression.
a small comment on the lone leaf blowing-and i am thrilled that you picked up on the bigger energy aspect of it-i wanted to create an image that although it had an aspect of the small about it, its symbolism was something greater. my thinkink-leaf-comes from tree, a sort of mass commune/society where hundreads of leaves joined together by an unchalllenged bond, rarely (in my experience) is a lone leaf seen, i.e in autumn the leaves fall together as they blow away together and decompose together. this lone leaf is a sort of miracle of sorts and an oddity, a sheep seperated from the herd, a yogi that wanders through life own his own, the youth at the beginning of his life quest...and yet of course wanted to create something eery so as far as imagery is concerned for me, the lone leaf fluttering down an empty street seemed to do that...
oh no! and i said i would only say a few things-oops!
will stop b4 i ramble on and on and on...thank-you again xlaura

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