Login   Sign Up 


Blowin` In The Wind. (2nd and3rd Version).

by laurafraser 

Posted: 02 March 2005
Word Count: 792
Summary: Another play around this evening! The end is very wrong i know, and think that the third re-make is going off in another direction perhaps...? I really would like to devlop this piece and so would be gratedul to all comments and/or help. Thank-you, LAura x

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

Version 1:

Monogamy can sometimes make one quite sore,
Though best not reveal that to your lover du jour.
Instead smile and batter your eyelashes
Look demure, passive, like a thief about to steal a whole load of cashes
And know that tomorrow might bring a whole lot o’sorrow
Oh un-knot that furrow!
And no I am not joking,
Nor do I enjoy smoking
Instead like the wind with the leaves
I get a little peeved
If I’m only allowed to blow one.

Version II:

Monogamy like sodomy can make one quite sore,
Though best not reveal that to your lover du jour.
Instead smile, look demure and sink your eyebrows in submission
Adopt a still pose, like an old man who's a'fishin.'
Because it is a truism, a fact we do know,
Though we’re ever so slow
And so dare not preach
The Truth: Stick to your lies and your alibi’s,
There is not a better lesson to teach,
For they will stand you in good stead -
When? Did you say?
Oh God how I pray for the day
Where instead of orchestring all our rotten morals
And being at one with all our quarrels
People will frolick in Dionysian rapture,
Lying in heaps of exhausted limbs
After hours of screwing and kama sutra flicking
It will be a world of naked bodies and crimson blushed lips,
Of women and men, ladies and gentleman
Celebrating hedonistic rights,
Bugger to order and everything that makes sense
Bugger to politics and those procrastinating sitting on the fence.
My loyalty is to Dionysus and the sun
I live my life like the wind with the leaves
And become peeved,
If I’m only allowed to blow one.

Version III:

Monogamy like sodomy can make one quite sore,
Though best not reveal that to your lover du jour.
Instead smile, look demure, resurrect your innocence from the deep
Whilst adopting a still pose like a tiger before she makes her leap.
Because it is a truism, a fact we do know,
Though it is not vogue to preach,
But fashions are fickle, so read it right now: The Truth.
The lies and alibi’s that you weave through the night,
Stick to them like a magnet, stay true to them like a Christian.
For those lemmings who harp about the right way
As they quietly maul you with their lorry load of learnt lessons
Which they lovingly vomit all over you,
Their hands clasped in rhapsody as they stand there a twittering
About the rules of sharing a bed
Yet there is a part of them that wilts as it reads
Of the nakedness of the Dionysian frolickers
Who lie in heaps of exhausted limbs
After hours of screwing and kama sutra flicking.
That world wherein lie naked bodies and the crimson blushed lips
Of women and men, ladies and gentleman
Celebrating hedonistic rights.
Who say bugger to order and everything that makes sense
Bugger to politics and those procrastinating sitting on the fence.
Now I declare myself loyal to Dionysus and the sun.
Angels can play their harp and sing their lullabies in heaven
But down here, songs only last three minutes, music perhaps an hour,
So like the bear that is sore for his honey
Or the whore who sleeps with anyone or a bit o’money
Morals just produce more quarrels,
Or, like that dove that flew with his piece of laurel
Prepare to see them splattered against a windscreen,
So their message never reaches its destination
Like the rats in the sewers, infestations are always lurking even in the most beautiful places,
But the things that fill this poem are not dark, nor is the message,
Rats and piss and bile and disease
Could so easily be fleas speckled with diamonds, volcanoes that erupt with dandelion fluff
And guns that fire chocolate.
Fantasy is not reality,
Peter had to grow old,
Santa probably gets colds
To dissolve one’s self into such Dionysian hedonism,
To rip away the censures of he mind
To stumble as if blind, but in a field where the grass whispers the way
And then standing beside me is only one,
Like the moon and the one sun,
When I say that like the wind plays with the leaves
I get a little peeved
If I am only allowed to blow one,
Know that fantasy and reality
Are separate and instead I prefer frugality
To the opulence and grandiose gestures
Of open legged lovers,
Who aware of their immortality
Run like Oedipus to his mother
Sobbing as they laugh, wrapping their arms
Around the woman who gave them life,
Like a worm wriggling into hard soil
Their mothers’ arms are their foil,
And from that no ecstasy can be found.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

seanfarragher at 19:18 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
The second version is more direct, and in this style of poem, more effective. I want to know more directly WHY you only want one. I love the imagery. Sodomy improves the poem. The greater detail improves it as well. When you find the exact boundaries of the poem I know from your other work, you will discover the language that keeps the flow throughout. The poem has powerful potential but do not be shy. Make the commitment to reveal rather than conceal, and therefore, be in more direct contact with your feelings. A poem like this one cannot be anonymous. What makes it special is the revelation. YOU are the subject. It cannot escape personal confession. Read how Anne Sexton spoke in her "confessional" poems of experience and metaphor. She made general what had been specific to her. She married the details of her life to her unique voice. I am not saying to write like her. Set the poem inside the context of your own voice, but show rather than tell. Make the specific images into a direct statement of the thing (the experience). That is the meter of modern and post modern poetry.

laurafraser at 21:27 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
Thank-you so much for your comment. I have digested fully what you say about not being shy, but actually although you say that I am the subject I am so only in a once was this narator way. "blowing one" is ovbiously a crude reference and one that is meant to sound sarcastic. The idea of being annoyed by the constraints that monogamy places on someone is something that i wanted to play with. I am only half the narrator here, because actually unfaithfullness and promiscuity scares me because of the "alabies and lies" and the sense that there is a crudeness to it, and yet a naturalness in that human beings are the ones who have created theconcept of being faithful. This poem was a muted attempt to try and undestand that what someone says is very different to what they want and in the end I think I believe that 'blowing many leaves' is the easy way out, far more terrifying to stay with the one and fight for it, espcialy when you feel all your old ways of life being jepordized.
You are correct in pointing out that the flow of language is not right here and that is something I will work with and I hope that by taking your advice by being in more direct contact with my feelings, the right flow will ensue...
I have never heard of Ann Sexton but will do some googling now on her-and I thank-you in advance for the tip.
Really a huge thank-you, your help and comments has touched me in your efforts to so eruditely get to the grips of (in your words) "modern and post modern poetry"

seanfarragher at 21:56 on 02 March 2005  Report this post
Blowing one is a great line, but it needs to be motivated. I want to understand its context and the POV of the narrator. I have some new poems up. Have you seen them? You might like to look at my prose. It is raw and sometimes xxx rated. Just a warning. But everything is motivated as to the sexuality. Nothing is just window dressing.

Ticonderoga at 14:44 on 05 March 2005  Report this post
laura - I agree with sean that version 2 is by a long way the best of the three; by the time we get to number 3, it feels like you're trying to do too much while waffling sometimes to avoid more visceral engagement with the subject matter. I feel it needs more imagery and less phrase-making - there's a lot going on here and potent images would be more useful to your purpose, I feel. I'd also be inclined to make it a monologue and give the speaker a distinct personality. Loads of great things here just waiting to find the absolutely perfect form. Write on!



laurafraser at 20:40 on 06 March 2005  Report this post
thank-you Mike for reading mike.
is amazing what a couple of days away froma piece can do for ones persepective isn't it? now looking at version 3 little obtuse to say the least. am going to play with this poem till i find that "prefect form"-and i feel increasingly excited by the potential of this piece each time i look at it.
will post when ready,

all the best


woops didnt realise the double mention of your name in 1st sentence!
suffice to thank-you for reading!

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .