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The Stinging Truth/Original
Posted: 04 July 2003
Word Count: 91
Summary: The 1st exercise in the beginners group.Asked to describe a bed in 100 words slept in as a child.As this was my first exercise it does not use a childs natural language.I'm working on that!
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I lay there pensive,gazing at the labyrinth of polystyrene torn tiles that created my refuge.Voices reverberated downstairs.A low monotone tenor interuppted by a shrill and desperate cry.
I huddled into the soft feathery down.Comforted and protected I sank below the surface of my consciousness waiting for dreams to consumemy darkest fears.I moved my arm Tentatively and grasped the solid warm oak of the headboard above.Feeling the familiar map of the uneven grain,I slowly counted the concealed notches beneath.
An eerie silence consumed my sanctuary,as the stinging truthmade it impossible to exhale.....
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 Account Closed at 13:51 on 04 July 2003
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Hi there. First, I'd like to be picky (as is my want).
1. "polystyrene torn tiles" would probably read better as "torn polystyrene tiles"
2. Between the first letter of every new sentence and the terminal punctuation mark of the previous sentence, there should be a space...
3. the "T" in Tentatively shouldn't be capitalised
4. you need a space in "consumemy" in the middle there and in "truthmade" towards the end
Now that I'm done with teacher mode (just call me "Sir"), I think this piece conveys a decent atmosphere, though is obviously too short for me to make much more of a comment.
Hope I didn't sound condescending, but instead, helpful, pointing out those nagging little things...
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Tybalt at 18:25 on 05 July 2003
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I liked it! It had a wonderfully tactile feel to it. I, too, could feel the grain of the wood and notches in the bedhead. Why why were they there? What did they denote? Write more - I want to know what the stinging truth was!
Once or twice, I felt that you "doubled" the description or, rather, added too much. One example would be: "low monotone tenor" - all to do with sound. I had difficulty deciding which one was strongest. The tenor seemed at odds with the mood created by the "low monotone" - unless tenor has a relevance that I don't know about yet?
I'm the worst in the world at overdoing my descriptive stuff - as a result, most of my pieces end up half the length of the original!
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