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Betrayal(version 2)

by laurafraser 

Posted: 25 April 2005
Word Count: 234
Summary: A thank-you to Paul for his advice. I hope the changes makes this a stronger poem, actually recovering from the shock that the dribble of the last one was-and wondering at my blindness with it-so Paul, you are my saviour thank-you! Happy Days X

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There are those who smile as you walk into the room,
Patting the cushion beside them,
Asking you to come and sit like a sought after rock star or gem,
And knowing what they want, what they want ,
They wait for the wanted, grabbing it, grabbing it,
When they see it near.
(But why do they want, what they want,
If what they want is only because it is what you want,
And that they know is clear)?
It is never the cat that bites the hand,
Nor does the cactus jump out of its pot.
Jealously is the pillow that you lie on, strangling you whilst you dream,
(Images of visions, stroking the back of your eyes),
It is the dog who you’ve stoked for twenty-five years,
The friend you’ve spoken with at length about all your fears, all these years,
It is as if your left hand has ripped the fingers from off your right as you dosed in the day,
It is as if you eyelashes have mutinied and disbanded,
It is as if your toes have run like squealing piglets
All the way to another home.
And then like a flower whose petals drop silently onto the soil beneath,
A vulture lands pecking the plant to pieces,
Like tears they spray across the unweeded garden,
Roots spreading like leprosistic limbs,
Swollen and unnatural,
You wonder who forgot to prune.

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Comments by other Members

Okkervil at 23:18 on 25 April 2005  Report this post
I understand you not lots. Your poems always seem to have some wierd structure, the essence of which I can never quite define. It seems to be wantonly daubed with rhyme, rhythm and what-not, yet it also demands to be read properly, imperiously- despite the vaguarities, I feel like I know how to read it, and yet I still come away from them baffled, linguistically aswell as literally. I don't know if that makes sense. This one seems mercifully, to be a little further within my sphere of possible-comprehension, and feels a little tighter than some other pieces- the erraticism is still there, but within a form of sorts that defines it more crisply. Sort of maybe. I love the last stanza as the pseudo-structure of te previous verses breaks down and 'Jealously is the pillow that you lie on strangling you whilst you dream' is one of my favourite lines, if only for the great structure, but hey, I like it all, really.



(Deliberately not apologising for talking nonsense)

paul53 [for I am he] at 08:20 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
This struck me as two poems interspersed. Stanzas 1 & 3 were like priming the pump for Stanzas 2 & 4 [&5]. I think this piece would be better - and tighter - as just Stanzas 2, 4 & 5.
When writing, we set it down as it comes. Redrafting is about many things, and one of them is distilling what we wanted to say from the mental process of arriving there [the journey, the setting the scene, the lesser analogies].
There is a strong poem in here.

laurafraser at 14:14 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
James thank-you for being honest, no not nonsense, i think you were simply trying to be kind about a poem that was a piece of baloney! But much appreacuiated.


you are wonderful thank-you! Have tinkered with the piece according to your advice and agree totally with you, was simply lacking that crucial third eye ability when i wrote it. I am now not 100% about the format, but I definitly think the piece os stonger-so thank-you, becasue i think what i was trying to say comes out clearer.

Happy days

Okkervil at 14:44 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
Oh, no- that's not what I meant at all! Hmm. I need to work on my delivery. Hope I haven't offended. I sort-of meant (condensed) that there's something I can't quite define about your poetry that means even pieces that at first appear to be quite baffling (or ought to be baffling) aren't. And I like that a lot, 'cos I suspect you intend it to be like that. Oh dear. I don't know, anyway, it was meant to be a compliment- it may not apply entirely to this one (which I understood perfectly and liked a lot, think instead maybe Reality Gets A Lobotomy) but I've thought about it from time to time and decided to try and put words to it, spurred on by sweet lady caffeine. It was past eleven when I last posted, I can't remember how many pots of coffee I'd been through. 'Twas a wonder I got a sentence out on this keyboard my hands were twitching so much. Harrumph.

An imperiously whirling, turn o'the last century Ring Master. That's the type of fellow I sometimes imagine would chant out your stuff. And that's probably the highest praise this James can think of. Sorry again for (possibly continuing) miscontrual.



laurafraser at 20:52 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
no james i think your comments are wondeful and understood exactly what you meant and was most flattered, i meant the poem was awful from my own point of view. you are right about my poetry being baffling and i it makes me smile that you like that aspect of it-and thank-you for saying so!
there are so many genres of poetry so many arn' they? and i like to play around and though it all makes perfect sense 'upstairs' to me i can see why it can seem slightly squewhiffy to some... so thank-you for taking not only the time to read my work but also to comment!


Beanie Baby at 21:30 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
Hello again, Laura.
I enjoyed this. I like the subtle repition - like whispers in the dark - and also the imagery (I seem to have a thing about imagery at the moment - maybe it's because poetry is - to me, anyway - the best artform there is). You have a very distinctive voice and reading your poetry is always an education. I'd like to make some constructive criticism but I don't think it needs it! It's wonderful to read.

joanie at 21:37 on 26 April 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura. I like the second version much better; it is tighter, more concise, therefore more powerful.

I'm glad you kept the last line - it is excellent, I think. I like the opening line, too.... just enough to lead you in.

Good one.


laurafraser at 08:15 on 27 April 2005  Report this post
hello beanie,
i agree with you about imagery and thank-you for your kind comment!


Joanie, glad you like it!


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