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by laurafraser 

Posted: 02 May 2005
Word Count: 108

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waiting whilst watching the wind whipping the willow trees,
watching whilst waiting for the milk man to come,
wondering where wishes I made as a child
have escaped to, like silent whispers of the night.

whipping the milk into cream, spilling it all over the floor,
watching the cat from next door lick it up,
wondering if it's pregnant or fat.

the wind whistles wordlessly
making me gulp my wine,
as nervously I tiptoe
silently to my bed
remembering my lover sublime.

wonder and wait, watch and wonder
but always remember the dead.
because waiting to remember,
watching as you wait
is nothing if it came too late.

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Comments by other Members

SmithBrowne at 13:04 on 03 May 2005  Report this post
Laura -- I like this; the alliteration of the w's at first reading silently put me off a bit, but upon reading it aloud it made sense what you were doing. It's like the whssshhhh of a ghost's hem or something like that, the persistent wind; and there's a Grimm's fairytale quality imparted as well, such as in the lines "wonder and wait, watch and wonder
but always remember the dead." Chilling...

Okkervil at 18:44 on 03 May 2005  Report this post
I really enjoyed this. It's got all your trademark little linguistic thingies, and there's a great narrative, like Smith said, a knees-pulled-up-under-chin chilliness. This is sort-of different to a lot of your other pieces, 'cos the narrator here doesn't know what to think, and the loss of self-confidence is quite unnerving in itself! I want to dwell in the atmosphere of it, it's all so crisp and clear and airy in writing style, but also pretty remorseless and melancholy, without undue promise of redemption, all at odds with itself, or rather, completely comfortable with its at-odds-ness. The only things I had a problem with were the lines 'have gone to now I don't make them' and 'remembering my lover who's dead'... I kinda felt like they juddered to a halt a little at the end of their respective stanzas... I don't know what to suggest alternately, though. I love the swishing effect of the 'w', as Smith said, and supplementarily, as Bert of Ernie & Bert fame observed (learnt this at my cousins' house the other day):

Oh, what is the letter we love?
What sound are we extra fond of?
It's not any trouble
You know it's a "W"
When you hear 'Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh!'



joanie at 19:35 on 03 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura. Unlike Smith, the alliteration really drew me in; I like the way it continues throughout the poem.

I agree with James about 'have gone to now I don't make them.' I wondered about something like:
'wondering where wishes I made as a child
are whispering now.'

In fact, I have searched the poem because I was convinced that you MUST have used 'whispering' somewhere. (Have I missed it?!)

To me, ghosts whisper.

I enjoyed this.


laurafraser at 23:54 on 03 May 2005  Report this post
Smith, James and Joanie,
Thank-you for each of your comments-I have had a tinkle with the orginial piece keeping what all of you said in mind and yes joanie don't knowquite how whispering slipped me by!

whn i was writing this piece i dint quite know what the context was and then it suddenly became clear as i read it aloud and so phew! what a relief that y'ou all seemed to get a wee bit of the chill factor...!

HAppy days


seanfarragher at 19:47 on 04 May 2005  Report this post
This, Laura, is a powerful poem. It is complete, has density and lyricism. Every image fits. You should be praised for it and hope you take the creation of this poem up the ladder, taking new steps and chances as you write. Bravo dear Woman. Poetry has a sweet dark longing and an open garden filled with wild flowers.
There is a salmon red, a slight cobalt blue, and an intricate orange under the burlap frames.

Elsie at 21:16 on 04 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Laura, I read this yesterday, and wasn't sure about the alliteration, but coming back today I can see how it works. It's very atmospheric, I like it. The was one expression that threw me - which was 'lover sublime' - I don't know quite why - perhaps I'm being weird. The whole thing is lovely.

Ticonderoga at 14:34 on 06 May 2005  Report this post
Agree with all compliments. I'd remove 'all' from the first line of the second stanza, and I agree with Elsie about 'sublime': I think it clunks slightly for me because it's an unheralded archaism in an otherwise very fluid piece, so the 'poetic' inversion seems to trip the line up. Otherwise lovely.



laurafraser at 07:53 on 10 May 2005  Report this post
sean-what a thrill to read those comments-and esp. the last line,
"salmon red, a slight cobalt blue, and an intricate orange under the burlap frames" -stunningly stunning!

thank-you see what you mean about lover sublime but feel inclined to leave it, becasue in my head it works, a li=over sublime, a lover who is perfection, eroticism and wonder, one who captivates, fascinates and who makes you explode with bliss, sublime to me is all of that...purely personal! also i think were i to cut it out it would lsimply end on lover, and for many i think that word has so many connotations that arn't necessarily the ones i am trying to allude to.

Thank-you though.
thank-you for your words, please see what i said to Elsie re 'sublime' up above. Have reread and reread another million times second stanza and still can't make up mind-will come back to that but thank-ou for making that point!


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