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Beds 3.....a fantasy
Posted: 15 July 2003
Word Count: 120
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If I could choose a bed, it would be this; to lie upon the open ground and stare up at the stars. With, maybe, a blanket to shrug off the cold when the night begins to bite. And a fire to throw its sparks up in the sky. We would share the silence of the buzzing beating night and in our stillness feel the race and push of the ancient earth. The hush of grassland would speak to us its secret dreams and all life will be caught in a moment of dust and stars and the vaulted night. This is how it always was and forever will be; two travellers, far from the crowded world, just you and me.
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Comments by other Members
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 Anna Reynolds at 22:42 on 15 July 2003
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Laura- this is a pleasure to read, full of lush imagery and sensuality. You really bring alive the heavy silence and a combination of the surroundings and the intimacy of two people in a special space. If I have a quibble- and I always have to have a quibble- it's that I think you could bring this fully into the present tense. So, 'it would be this' could become 'it is this'. And 'we would share' could become 'we share'- it simplifies, brings it into the here and now, without losing the sense of longing for this magical dream. 'The hush of grassland speaks to us'.. the immiediacy of this in the present tense lets it loose for me. Lovely.
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 Jabulani at 10:59 on 16 July 2003
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It is interesting how hard I find it to revisit something after I have written it. It feels uncomfortable going back and changing things. But you are right Anna...this piece needs to be in the present tense to emphasise the timeless moment.....so I have had a go:
If I could choose a bed, it is this; to lie upon the open ground and stare up at the stars. With, maybe, a blanket to shrug off the cold when the night begins to bite. And a fire to throw its sparks up in the sky. Sharing the silence of the buzzing beating night and in our stillness feel the race and push of the ancient earth. The hush of grassland speaks to us its secret dreams and all life is caught in a moment of dust and stars and the vaulted night. This is how it always was and forever will be; two travellers, far from the crowded world, just you and me.
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LONGJON at 02:33 on 17 July 2003
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Hi Laura,
Isn't fantasy a great style to write in, no boundaries, nothing is impossible. The things we shove aside in the mundane world are all allowed here, dreamtime rules, o.k?
Nicely crafted, pleasure to read.
Take care,
John P.
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Jabulani at 10:09 on 17 July 2003
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Thanks John,
Bit worried though by you being on the website at 2.30 in the morning!...and I thought my addiction was getting out of control......I'd better get back to work now.
Laura.
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Jabulani at 10:12 on 17 July 2003
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OK, so I've just worked out that you live in New Zealand......not so worried about you now....and now I really must get back to doing some work.
Laura.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 15:27 on 12 March 2005
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With a few carriage returns, it sounds like poetry.
If I could choose a bed, it would be this;
to lie upon the open ground and stare up at the stars.
With, maybe, a blanket to shrug off the cold
when the night begins to bite.
And a fire to throw its sparks up in the sky.
We would share the silence of the buzzing beating night
and in our stillness feel the race and push
of the ancient earth.
The hush of grassland would speak to us
its secret dreams and all life will be caught
in a moment of dust and stars
and the vaulted night.
This is how it always was and forever will be;
two travellers,
far from the crowded world,
just you and me. |
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Comments by other Members
