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The Liar's Diary by Patry Francis

Posted on 29/01/2008 by  titania177


Blogging is not just about unburdening our feelings and whinging. It can also be for a noble purpose, and this is one of those. Author Patry Francis, whose debut novel The Liar’s Diary came out in hardcover from Dutton last spring, was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. After undergoing several surgeries, her prognosis is good. Today sees the trade paperback release of The Liar's Diary, but, since Patry won't have much energy to promote the release, a large number of blogging authors across the globe are getting together to do it for her. This is the blogsphere at its best! Read more about it on Maryanne Stahl's blog.

And the good folk at Penguin are supporting this initiative: Penguin Group USA would like to offer 15% off the paperback edition of The Liar’s Diary when purchased online from us.penguingroup.com until 2/15/2008. On the shopping cart page, enter PATRY in the ‘coupon code’ field and click ‘update cart’ to activate it.

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Unwillingly to school ... and a nice review!

Posted on 29/01/2008 by  Account Closed


Goodness me, but it was an effort to drag myself out of bed and force myself into work today. That in spite of two extra calming pills, a double shot of my happiness-enducing oestrogen gel and an evening primrose/starflower oil pill. Do you think I’m too reliant on my new age herbals? I’m planning for the Rescue Remedy spray later …

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I know all there is to know...

Posted on 29/01/2008 by  Lola Dane


...about the waiting game...
The thing with writing is that you do a lot of waiting. You wait, in many instances, until the muse strikes and then - if you work full time like me - you wait until you get home until you actually have the opportunity to write.
Then you send your book off and wait for your agent to say whether she likes it which, even though you tend to get a response in a week or so, feels like the longest wait of your life.

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HOW TO BE FUNNY

Posted on 29/01/2008 by  jollyroger@outgun.com


lifestyle guides to the 21st century
How to be funny

Ha, ha ha?
ha-ha HA!
A ha & aha, ha ha.
Huh?


The funniuns

Comedians are funny unless they wear goggles and insert the word ‘Chubby’ into their mundane name, like erm Mr Roy Brown. So complete it spells Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, just to clarify Roy Chubby Brown is not funny. Saying that, fat people are hilarious. The retarded are accidentally, so funny. Foreign people who can’t speak our language, “I cun’t open fist.” Mental people seem to be designed specifically for our benefit and should be placed at really boring and emotionally extreme points in your life for insanity relief. Fascists are disgustingly entertaining to the point of making you want to join the ‘cock fighting collective’ just to spend time with these unbelievable characters. Whereas fundamentalists are deadly shockingly comedy cum-corks willing you to pop them.

Laughable

Try to emulate these groups, take up full-time Cat Slaying. On your travels to slay the biggest bitch name every human being 'pop-chops' while walking on your elbows.

Jokes

D'you know the one about the dog in a pub and a pint of piss, no, I don’t either. Jokes like this have a surreal nature, playing on distinct stereotypes and do include penetration and/or your mum.

Your mum jokes are used by people who spend a lot of time on Teken 4 playing their stoned friend and laughing inanely on the way they can repeat Americans who play too much Teken 5 while smoking crack.

Knock knock jokes are told by your Gran.

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. This is a joke designed by Welsh people. It pokes fun at the Irish and Scotch ultimately blaming the English because of their lack of defining stereotypical behaviour other than stupidity and overall lunacy devoid of even a basic understanding over their rented, begrudging, Empire.

Jokes about famous people who have recently died or being sexually abused, murdered or are afflicted with some disability of terminal like infliction always come with a warning of ‘I don’t know about this one’ which in itself is a lie. The result is always this strange ‘owwwhh’ noise that neither validates it’s humour, makes the listener happy he heard it and leaves both individuals with a uncomfortable (last night I think I accidentally masturbated in a synced rhythm to you and your girlfriend fucking) silence.

Racists jokes are lovingly told like accurate straight laced statements of fun that just so happen to be a liiiittle bit prejudice against a minority population who they don’t understand and extol any differences to make them inferior without cause or justification. These jokes are concluded with a jiggling potbelly.

Dress

Those amusing t-shirts with “dyslexics are teople poo or I’m good in bed (I can sleep forever)” are only to be worn if you fancy sipping a pint of mild with barstools and oxygen. Funny looking people generally have wardrobes that resemble tatty fancy dress shops. Every morning they turn the light off and run around their shelter and anything that sticks to their sweat coated torso is a wear-wear tack-tack.


Audience

The best audience isn’t your friends. There is always a funny one in your friend group that manages to say something succinct and witty at precisely the same moment your brain tries to muster something it might retort that gets you out of the funny ones onslaught to your statement that slave workers are just fucking ungrateful badly-dressed wannabe bastards.

Docile giggling buffoons are what you’re aiming for. Remember to note that these people laughed for nine hours when Graham Norton said ‘mmm these are nice’ while eating a packet of salted nuts and regard Jim Davidson as a social commentator.


Performance

Like the large gypsy women who shouts foreign slurs if you don’t pay for her and her child to live for free, to Tod Touch, who touches everything in some intricate, planned out stage play while raping Bing Crosby’s back catalogue. You have to start with some sort of grossly embarrassing but confident comedy performance. Create an unscripted scene and act it out in a scene, making a scene while a scene watches in shock and ore, observe the Iraq War.


The show must go on

No it shouldn’t. Just because you want to be funny, in it’s sad, honest, eagerness does not make you funny. You can’t buy or learn timing. You can hone a talent that’s already there, you can’t just invent it because some women on Facebook said that she likes funny men. Or that everyone seems to like Russell Brand at the moment and I’m not very attractive and haven’t got much style and my hair’s thin, ginger and curly, I’m shit at taking drugs and I’m a dwarf with spot boils, right what’s left, well death with the slight recumbence that at least you're not one of those people who THINKS he’s funny.


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Meeting terror and a late Christmas lunch

Posted on 28/01/2008 by  Account Closed


Got myself in a flat spin today about the online booking system meeting - I was supposed to know something about it but really didn’t have a clue. And it seemed to be sprung upon me at the last minute last week so I was rather peed off about it. To say the least. My Mondays are bad enough without having to cope with things I know nothing about! Anyway, it was all pretty traumatic and I was so pleased when it ended. As well as being terrorised by the fact that I have another lot of stuff to research into because of it, and once again it’s stuff I know nothing about. Double groan!...

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What's In a Name?

Posted on 28/01/2008 by  Snowcat


“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet.”

(Romeo & Juliet, Act II sc 2)

Would it really, though? Consider, for example, the fearless ‘John’ and the Argonauts. Hmm. Not quite such an impressive band, after all, are they? Similarly, one might judge King ‘Roy’ the Lionheart to lack a certain amount of the requisite gravitas. And, one has to ask, would the whole “we will fight them on the beaches” speech have been so well received if delivered by our brave Prime Minister, ‘Wendel’ Churchill? Would ‘Hercules’ Potter have become an international publishing phenomenon? Or the plucky, Dickensian urchin, ‘Orville’ Twist, have tugged on quite so many heartstrings? Possibly not.

Generally speaking, it’s as unlikely that the 19th Century Lady Farquharson at the centre of one story would be named ‘Stacey’, as it is that the genial bricklayer starring in another tale might be called ‘Algernon’.


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Nameless Nobody caught in the crossfire.

Posted on 27/01/2008 by  rogernmorris


If you caught Radio Four’s Broadcasting House last Sunday (Jan 20), you’ll have heard the actress Vera Filatova speaking about further cultural fallout from the current diplomatic problems between Russia and Great Britain. It seems that her Russian directing team were mysteriously denied visas, so that at the last minute she had to revert to a piece she had originally performed in 2006, an adaptation of an obscure Dostoevsky fragment. I happened to be there for the first night at the New End Theatre Hampstead.

Produced by Luminous Arts and Russian Nights, Netochka Nezvanova – Nameless Nobody is a one-woman show astonishingly performed by Filatova. The staging is a simple black set, which at first sight seems sealed on its three sides. I wondered where the performer would make her entrance, which introduced a strange, musing tension even before the play began. But just as there was no obvious entrance point, there was no way out too. Whoever set foot on that stage, however they arrived upon it, would be trapped there. All very Dostoevskyan, I thought.

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Swans, sparrows and surrealism

Posted on 27/01/2008 by  Account Closed


A nice, leisurely start to the morning today and then Lord H and I had a wander along the River Wey at Stoke Park to admire the birds. Which included swans, great crested grebes just coming into their spring plumage, a crowd of long-tailed tits and a host of house sparrows. I do have to admit to having a soft spot for the humble house sparrow - I did a project on them when I was at primary school and my poor father sat for hours outside the house trying to get a photograph of one. Needless to say, he failed, but I always admired the determination. These days of course, we'd just download a picture from the web. Not really the Empire Spirit, but there you go ...

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Whose Love-Life Is It Anyway?

Posted on 27/01/2008 by  Myrtle


I have long suspected that I am not really a team player, especially when the team is 'doubles'. For example, when I've played doubles tennis the biggest effort has been restraining myself from belting my own partner, and when I was giving birth I screamed 'GET AWAY GET AWAY DON'T TOUCH ME' at The Australian (on both occasions - you'd think he'd have learnt the first time), and when I started to collaborate on a novel with my mother last November I deteriorated into such depression that I aged about a decade and had to invest in copious amounts of Ulay. Olay? Ulay. Whatever. And finally, a few years ago, when a university friend and I decided to write an article together about our chronically low opinion of a book called The Rules, we spent two whole days writing four whole paragraphs - arguing over every 'and' 'but' and 'comma' until we realised our friendship was at risk and ditched the idea...

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Mighty editing done and the new social division

Posted on 26/01/2008 by  Account Closed


Have finished editing The Canal for Mighty Erudite and sent the completed text back to Juli. I really loved it - so dark and such a powerful and strangely uplifting ending. Fab. I've always loved Wagstaff's stuff and this is a cracker.

I've also - shock! horror! - actually had to go into work today to help for an hour or so with the International Open Day. Groan. It was a bit of a pain - no, I lie, it was a huge pain! - having to go in on a Saturday, but at least it wasn't for too long. We didn't have a great deal of enquiries either, but it is the first time the University has held an open day with an international emphasis, so slackness of trade is only to be expected. Still, I'm not great at these meet & smile events, so I was glad to get out into the sun and be home again ...

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