The clock in this room has just finished chiming as Elke wakes from her short nap. She looks around the room with blurry eyes and for a moment rests them on the clock, she realises that it is 2pm, she is in a hotel room and a beautiful wedding dress is hanging from the wardrobe, realising what’s happened she lets out a groan, her heart is pounding against her rib cage as she cries out in distress “I’ve missed my wedding.”

Resting her hand on her forehead and hoping that the churning in her stomach would subside she tries to think, what’s happened how can this be, the tears are pouring down her face, looking around the room she suddenly sees her journal lying on the bedcover, she opens it to the last page. With a voice that is full of emotion and shaking she begins to read what she has written,

“Dear Journal this is my last entry as a single woman, I am so happy this day has come when I will marry my gallant American Michael. It was so hard to think about leaving Germany to go across the world to America but I knew Michael would look after me for the rest of my life. I knew he had to go to Afghanistan with his Colleagues, Journalists have to report on wars, he would be leaving after our reception, I had to take that as part of my life.

Crying profusely by now she remembers how he proposed to her, it was in Heidelberg on the bridge in the castle gardens, he had just bought her the most beautiful ring, looking into her eyes he had told her he would look after till his dying day.

“Oh no” she screamed, I have missed my wedding and being able to say goodbye to Michael”, beating the pillows with her fists she is distraught and incontrollable. Suddenly from out of the blue the phone starts to ring. As she puts the receiver to her ear she hears Michaels’, voice “My darling I had to ring you, I tried before but you must have been out I wanted to tell you I love you and will see you in an hour at the registry office”. Both he and Elke put the phone down at the same time.

Elke, stood like a pillar of salt, suddenly an overwhelming feeling of joy filled her heart and soul, she must have been dreaming she thought, the phone had woken her from her dream, she jumped up and danced around the room.

Hi and welcome to WriteWords!

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Hi!

I like the premise behind this story and I like the way you really get into the character. If it's ok with you, I will just make some suggestions?

The clock in this room has just finished chiming as Elke wakes from her short nap. She looks around the room with blurry eyes and for a moment rests them on the clock, she realises that it is 2pm, she is in a hotel room and a beautiful wedding dress is hanging from the wardrobe, realising what’s happened she lets out a groan, her heart is pounding against her rib cage as she cries out in distress “I’ve missed my wedding.”

--- blurry eyes and the clock fades into focus.
--- full stop after 2pm
--- full stop after hotel room
--- leave out 'and'
--- A beautiful wedding dress is hanging from the wardrobe.
--- Have 'realising' as the start of a new sentance
--- leave out the 'is' between 'heart' and 'pounding'.
--- have a '-' between 'distress' and the spoken words.

--- the above changes I think lead to a more immediate opening


Resting her hand on her forehead and hoping that the churning in her stomach would subside she tries to think, what’s happened how can this be, the tears are pouring down her face, looking around the room she suddenly sees her journal lying on the bedcover, she opens it to the last page. With a voice that is full of emotion and shaking she begins to read what she has written,

--- full stop after 'think'
--- What's happened? How can this be?
--- The tears are pouring down her face.
--- Looking - new sentance. Full stop after 'bedcover'
--- 'replete' instead of 'full of'
--- delete 'what she has written'
--- put a '-' after read

Again the changes make it read more urgently, reflecting the panic she is experiencing.

“Dear Journal this is my last entry as a single woman, I am so happy this day has come when I will marry my gallant American Michael. It was so hard to think about leaving Germany to go across the world to America but I knew Michael would look after me for the rest of my life. I knew he had to go to Afghanistan with his Colleagues, Journalists have to report on wars, he would be leaving after our reception, I had to take that as part of my life.

--- comma after 'journal'
--- full stop after 'woman'
--- when I will marry Michael, my gallant American.
--- 'traverse' instead of 'go across'
--- 'journalist colleagues' instead of 'Colleagues'
--- delete 'Journalists have'
--- 'the war' instead of 'wars'
--- full stop before 'he' and after 'reception'
--- make the last line - 'It was the sort of thing I would just have to get used to'

The changes make the paragraph flow a little better.

Crying profusely by now she remembers how he proposed to her, it was in Heidelberg on the bridge in the castle gardens, he had just bought her the most beautiful ring, looking into her eyes he had told her he would look after till his dying day.

--- delete 'by now'
--- delete 'it was'
--- full stop after 'gardens'
--- full stop after 'ring'
--- add 'me' between 'look' and 'after'

“Oh no” she screamed, I have missed my wedding and being able to say goodbye to Michael”, beating the pillows with her fists she is distraught and incontrollable. Suddenly from out of the blue the phone starts to ring. As she puts the receiver to her ear she hears Michaels’, voice “My darling I had to ring you, I tried before but you must have been out I wanted to tell you I love you and will see you in an hour at the registry office”. Both he and Elke put the phone down at the same time.

--- change 'screamed' to 'screams'
--- delete from 'I have' to Michael"' - we already know she has missed her wedding day by what she says earlier
--- full stop after 'fists'
--- delete 'from out of the blue' - it holds things up
--- ' before the s - Micahel's
--- no need for a , before 'voice'
--- put a - after 'voice'
--- ! after 'ring you'
--- ! after 'out'
--- ! after 'love you'
--- replace 'and' with 'I'
--- ! after 'office'
--- replace 'he' with 'Michael'

The changes add drama and flow to the paragraph as well as keeping up the pace

Elke, stood like a pillar of salt, suddenly an overwhelming feeling of joy filled her heart and soul, she must have been dreaming she thought, the phone had woken her from her dream, she jumped up and danced around the room.

--- delete from 'Elke' to 'suddenly'
--- start with 'An overwhelming'
--- replace 'feeling; with 'surge'
--- full stop after 'soul'
--- delete 'she must have been dreaming she thought,'
--- make the last line 'Michael's call had awoken her from a nightmare. But her dream was about to begin...'

I hope you don't mind me making these suggestions.

Take care

Stu
http://tollesburytimeforever.blogspot.com/

Hey Stu thank you for taking the time to comment and to such an extent. I have taken it all on board and changed my script, its great to have this chance to learn, I have not written anything for years so I appreciate this advice on grammer. I hope you will look at the finished work and also other works I have in motion but now hopefully with your advice. Thank you

It's my pleasure. We're all learning and should all help each other. Don't take my grammar stuff as perfect though! Once you start writing, you realise there really is no other feeling like it. Just keep trying and seeing it for what it is - an expression of how you feel and how you are within.

Stu
http://tollesburytimeforever.blogspot.com/

Thank you Astrea for taking the time to write I will check those groups out

and if you could check out my blog:

http://tollesburytimeforever.blogspot.com/

and maybe follow it, that would be just wonderful!!!

; )

Stu

Stu just reading it now LOL

Hurrah!!

Thank you so much for following it - if you could spread the word then I will be entirely eternally grateful!!

: )

Stu
http://tollesburytimeforever.blogspot.com/