Hi all.

"...and though they each held one of their daughter Julia’s hands, making her giggle with..."

This is from a long sentence in the second parag of a novel I'm about to submit - so I need to get all punctuation right.

I've re-read the rule that if there is only ONE daughter (as here) that a comma before and after the intro to the name is correct. This is the first mention of their daughter's name - but a comma before and after would look awful.
Should I leave it as above?
Or

... their duaghter, Julia's, hands, making her ...."


The very next paragraph has a reference to 'Julia' so readers need to know who she is.

What do you think? Thanks!

You could instead do something like

"...and though they each held one of Julia’s hands, making their daughter giggle with..."

which avoids the problem. It also lessens the authorial intrusion that arises from 'explaining' that Julia is their daughter through the use of the commas.

Hi, asking,


First, I'd wonder why you needed to include "their daughter's" in the first place. Don't we already know it's their daughter?

But if you feel you have to, then I'd suggest re-framing the sentence rather than all these clumsy commas.

How about writing, "... and though they each held one of Julia's hands, making their daughter giggle with..."

That way you still get the info you want across.

<Added>

crossed with Chris. Chris-Cross!

Hi Chris and Jem

I had resistance, but am coming around to your suggestion. It's the nerve factor as it's that important first page etc. But this parag is also extremely important to the structure of the whole book and I can't do without it.

The reader does not know they have a child yet - so it's information.I brought forward a piece which now is 3rd parag and immediately follows this where the dad is thinking about 'Julia'- so the reader needs to know here that she is their child. This issue came up because I've edited and cut out a couple of early pages.

Thank you both for the swift answers! I'll see how it goes...
asking

I certainly wouldnt put in the pair of commas round Julia, even though you're right, it's formally correct. But it always makes it read so awkwardly.

Best of luck with the sub!

Chris and Jem's solution does read a bit more smoothly.

Or - obviously hard to say in the abstract - could you delay the info that she's the daughter, until the father can naturally be thinking it?

Just have "Julia" until, "He wondered if other people's daughters like jumping with both hands, the way Julia did" or some such.

Readers are usually quite happy (in the sense that they're not even conscious they're doing it) to hold things like names on their mental clipboard, until the narrative naturally makes things clear. If it's only the following paragraph, I reckon I'd trust them to get there soon enough not to even notice that for a while they didn't consciously know who Julia is.

Thank's for the good wishes, Emma.

It's great to get help. .

It's obvious this is a child from what the adults are doing - it's just that she's their daughter I need to get across.
I may delay her name until the third para and say

"J was thinking about his daughter, how Julia was ..."

or

refer to her by name first and then "J was thinking about his daughter, how she . . ."

I much preferred the simple "J was thinking about Julia, how she . . ." -punchier. And also its close personal and we're in his head here so 'the daughter' reference is intrusive.

It's a balance of 'the rules' and personal style and intuition too.
I'm getting closer, thanks.

I much preferred the simple "J was thinking about Julia, how she . . ." -punchier. And also its close personal and we're in his head here so 'the daughter' reference is intrusive.

Yes - which is why I often do something along the lines of what I suggested - put the fact that she's a daughter into his actual thoughts:

"J was thinking about how Julia was the best daughter anyone could have..."

"J was thinking about how much nicer daughters were than sons - no snotty little boy could possibly be as gorgeous as Julia. ..."

"J was thinking about Julia, and daughters in general, and why they all loved pink"


or whatever...

All the suggestions were truly helpful.

I'll leave it for now, and assess with a cold eye later.

asking