Thank you for your comments.
Emma, your post is helpful, thank you. I have worked hard on the emotional arc and also making her more active and less whingey.
Although I show her pulling her socks up, getting out and stopping whining, etc. I think the one thing that was said has perturbed me - not in a bad way, but in a thinking way
"The MC's voice is distinctive but quite formal." The question - is that right for her character? I suspect it is
- alerted me to the fact that while it is
right for her character, it also has drawbacks that I might need to work on.
I drew on the MC's dry wit (some would say sarcasm), but too much was the wrong tone for the book and people are only witty when they are happy.
But it's the formality of her 'voice' that now concerns me. I have her in action, surrounded by people she can interact with, seeing her and thinking
with her, but she is bound - at first - by the voice of her upbringing. Of course, she isn't angry, manipulative or demanding at first - but in her own way she fights for her children's rights - but with a voice that is consistent with her formal upbringing.
I knew the excerpt I posted wasn't particularly voicey, but it has raised an interesting question. One that I consider further.
One other thing - just an aside - I can't believe how difficult it is to make an expression voicey when a character is crying out to say 'Oh God/OMG'. I hate those expressions and I can't bring myself to use them, no matter how much they suit a character!!!